Sometimes I look at men and just think, "what on earth do women want with those?"

And yet..... we do want those. What the hell? I don't know.

It would appear at this moment in time that blogspot sites are down. That's too bad.... I want to read them.

Looking back at last night, I think, how odd. I was chatting with this guy in saskatoon, and then we decided to move off MSN and onto the phone..... now what would possess me to do that? True, we used to chat all the time. But why would I give him my number? Why would I lay on the couch at 2 am watching a muted tv while talking with a faceless voice who I only know through pixels and words?

I find it fascinating, getting to know the people behind the words, too fascinating to pass up. My life has become an unofficial study of human behaviour and so I would be perfectly happy to just listen to these people talk..... hear the figures of speech they use and the inflection of their voice. But then moving to the phone is always very intimidating for me, since I have no confidence in my ability to make conversation (chattiness comes and goes in unpredictable waves) and despise the sound of my voice (something I simply have to get over).

I am so fascinated by human behaviour in general that I sometimes have to work very hard at not coming across as somewhat..... scary. I tend to watch with a certain element of intensity and I tend not to say much. I think this comes from when I was too afraid of humans to actually invest myself in relationships, but I still wanted to know them.... I wanted safe relationships, I suppose, the benefits of having close friends without the danger of being let down. So I tried desperately to see straight into people's inner workings, the things you can't normally see without sitting down for coffee with someone and picking their brain. Of course, this makes people uncomfortable, and it's not really possible.

I learned a few things during that period. For instance, I have the ability to disappear. Silence can be my ally, and I can wear black clothing, stand against a white wall, and still not be seen. You see and hear things from people when they don't notice your presence. Nothing profound really, just a less guarded version of the person they always are. A little less polished, a little less collected. This is the person I long to get to know, no matter what the circumstance. I also learned how to listen. I obtained the ability to not talk, whether I agreed, disagreed, had something to add, I merely closed my mouth and continued to listen. Partly due to my insecurity, but an invaluable skill nonetheless.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of getting to know people online. Some people make this easier than others.... but it's no less frustrating, because more so than in person, you only reveal that which you want me to see. So aside from my ability to read between the lines, I'm highly restricted. I don't think I'd find this quite so frustrating if I didn't feel as though I'd reached a point in my blogging..... I used to seek something by baring my soul here..... and I will continue to do so..... but it's no longer enough. All of a sudden I want to know the people who come here.

Tonight Clark and I made sushi.

Just in case some of you don't know, Clark is my roommate, and Clark is a girl. Yes, I call her Clark, and many other people do, too. But Clark is not her real name, and she is most certainly a girl. She introduced me to sushi, and then taught me how to make it. In doing so, she has greatly improved the quality of my life and I am ever so grateful.

Lots of people have really negative experiences with roommates. People ask me how I like living with someone else with this look on their face like they're getting ready to listen to my tirade of miserableness. They always look so surprised when I tell them I love it. I love where I live and I love my roommate and I have no complaints. And I love sushi.

Today I found a new spot at work to spend my lunches and breaks. Behind one of the buildings that I seldom go behind there's a trail that leads down to the river. It goes through the bush and around a corner and leads to a large flat slab of concrete that sticks out into the water. Sitting there, you can almost pretend you're not in a city..... if you couldn't hear the cars flying down the Chief Peguis Trail. Since I ran out of work about an hour into the day, I had plenty of time to "pick up trash along the river bank" and so I found a couple spots that I really like.

I was thinking today that I'd be perfectly happy just to walk naked into the forest and disappear forever. I'd become a nomad and skantily clothe myself in animal skins, live off fish and berries and stealthily make my way down to the redwood forests where I'd while away the cold winter months with the coons and bears. Meanwhile in Manitoba, Mounties scouring the countryside for my rotting remains would find only my clothing, folded neatly on the side of the road that winds through the Sandilands Provincial Forest. I'd never be seen again. But I'd steal a laptop from someone and keep on blogging, so I wouldn't get too lonely. I'd live the rest of my days, eating fish and berries, tanned as a coconut, rich in vitamin D, gloriously solitary yet just connected enough to retain a granule of sanity.

Yeah, I'd be down with that. In my fantasies at least, but I guess I know that wouldn't do the trick for me. It wouldn't be fulfilling. I would eventually wind up in random campgrounds, making friends with kids until their parents got all protective and called the park ranger on me, and then I'd slink back into the trees and wander around feeling all melancholy until I found another campground.

Because as much as I don't really like humans as a general rule, I still must surround myself with friends, and therein lies the rub. I like my friends, and I want them around...... but I also want to magically disappear...... but I can't cuz I want my friends around..... dammit I'm having a bad day.

goodnight

So I've been told by a couple people that my comment box is failing to function within satisfactory parameters. Everything on my end is working fine, so I'm gonna need a little more feedback..... obviously the comment link is fine since comments are being made, and the counter works fine, so I'm assuming that the comments you've made aren't showing up.

Obviously, that which is not satisfactory to you, is not satisfactory to me. So I ask of you, that is "you" the collective, where can I find a simple, reliable, customizable comment box service that is accepting new users? I have a friend who's also looking for a new commenting service, and I don't wanna hook him up with inferior comments.

Purchase of the day? South Park, season 1.
Song of the day? Swan Dive, Ani Difranco.
Watching? the Bone Collector.
Why? Because Angelina's hot.

Funny how things work out. Clark and I were just reflecting on the pure weirdness of the fact that we currently live together. Circumstances being what they were, I wouldn't have expected to find myself here. In this house, in this city, in this frame of mind.

I grew up in the church, believing everything I was told. I spent my days trying desperately to fit in with a group of church kids. I listened to only christian music. I assumed that the future would find me working in the ministry. I thought that would be great.

Little did I know, that I would spend two years doing a brainless and physically damaging production job in a window factory, move to Regina, attend bible school, fly to Africa, make wonderful friends, spend a year living in Winnipeg moving from crappy job to crappy job, and finally find myself disillusioned, yet somehow happy. In a strange way, I feel as though I've been reborn. I bear little resemblance to that kid I used to be. But when I look back on that day when I nine, and I told God that if He did nothing else for me, I only wanted Him to give me wisdom. Somehow I knew that with wisdom, everything else would fall into place.

I didn't consider at the time that an easy life in a middle class family surrounded by the superficial people I knew would not lead to wisdom, though it would be comfortable. And I suppose I should have expected when I said that prayer that my life couldn't possibly continue to be what the people around me thought would be satisfactory. I was only nine. I knew that I wanted to one day be wise, but since I wasn't yet, I didn't know the path that prayer would take me down.

So now here I am, and I still feel like an idiot. I may be no Solomon, but I do know this, that wisdom would not have found me in the place where I asked for it. It's something that can only be found by going somewhere else, walking in someone else's shoes, living someone else's life, listening to someone else's thoughts. Wisdom doesn't just load into your brain like a computer game, you have to go hunt it down. Not just in books and not just from teachers but in those places that you just wouldn't expect to find it.

The search has brought me here. Will I find it here? I don't know. I'm keeping my eyes open.

Two summers ago I was beaten senseless by a couple of girls who thought it would be fun to carjack my sunfire, just outside of my church, and not too far from where I currently live. At the time I didn't yet live in winnipeg, but I was staying in the city for the weekend with Clark and Helmraiser. I remember cracking jokes, though I had felt violated and scarred. I remember driving through the city a day later, crying quietly as Coldplay was playing on the radio, so sore I could hardly shift gears.

I had always been naturally wary but that weekend introduced me to a new kind of fear. For the next little while I fought a terror of simple things. Going to my car was particularly frightening. I don't know if my friends were aware of how my North End experience had affected me. I moved to Regina the following September, where I lived in a fairly seedy neighborhood, and being the only student living where I did, I was required to do a lot of travelling by myself, via bus and bike. Though my fear began to fade, I continued to find myself looking over my shoulder, jumping at small sounds, keeping a safe distance between myself and others at the bus stops. I can even remember carrying a rock in my pocket on one particularly frightening day.

Now I live in the North End. I feel quite safe in this area..... it's hard to explain how a single street can separate a safe neighborhood from a slum...... how just one block over my street becomes a place I wouldn't want to live. Two blocks away is a seven eleven, previously my pepsi supplier and snack lifeline. During the winter months I frequently would bundle up and walk to sev, and even after dark I wasn't afraid, since there were very few people out in the cold. Come spring, I was working at superstore, and purchased whatever I needed before going home. I hadn't taken the walk to sev in quite some time, up until the other night.

I decided it was about time I helped myself to a pepsi. I decided on taking the walk to sev, though it was dark, and a beautiful night. I had forgotten that I was afraid. I set off around the corner and across the street, then down a back alley which leads straight to sev. As I was walking, I passed an open garage where a man and woman had the hood up on a green car. As I passed, the man left the garage, and approached the alley. I felt my stride quicken and my fists clench, but kept my eyes ahead as I heard his footsteps behind me. For a few endless moments I listened to him follow me, until the sound of a dumpster lid slamming made me jump. His footsteps returned to the garage, and I fought the urge to run.

I bought my pepsi and returned home without incident. I hadn't realized that I was still afraid. I had thought that it had left me. I wonder if it ever will, or if it should stay..... maybe it keeps me safe. Maybe one day that shot of adrenaline will save my life. I guess as long as it doesn't keep me from doing what I have to do....

I continue to fail at defending Helmsdeep from the neverending onslaught of orcs and Uruk-Hai, nevermind their damn cave trolls and their vicious spiked clubs..... I'd sue the company who made that game if it wasn't for the fact that other people have passed this level with flying colors. Maybe I just suck. Maybe I'm too old for video games.

Never mind that. I finally caught up with the dishes, not counting the two that I dirtied after the fact. A cup and a plate is pleasant clutter when compared to the piles and piles of stinking kitchenware that's been taking over the last two weeks. Dishes: check. Random pieces of paper? Tomorrow. I'm sure that someone mowed down the entirety of Fangorn Forest, turned it into paper and then sent it to our house in the form of bills and junk mail. Someone please explain to me how there are still trees on this planet? I don't understand.

When a long weekend hits, I usually find myself going to bed ridiculously late. It reminds me of my nightshift days. Went to bed at 4 last night..... so tell me how I'm supposed to get enough sleep tonight to get up at 8 and go to work? I am not tired. It's ten to one. Yeesh.

It would appear that I have nothing of consequence to say tonight. I suppose I'm only putting off the inevitable.... that I must go to bed, tired or not. Well fine then. Here I go. I shall see you all tomorrow.

When I moved here to littlekermode.com from littlebear.blogspot.com, I was emailed by a girl who wanted to take over my blogspot address, so I deleted that particular blog and let her know that the url was available. I've been dropping in on her every now and then ever since.

I was reading her site today, and came across a post for Sunday, May 15th. There's no permalink for that post so you'll have to scroll down if you want to read it. At first it appears to be a random and frustrated post but by the time I had finished reading, I found I had come to a remarkably clear understanding of not only what the writer was feeling, but something that I have felt many a time. Visit "disillusioned" at littlebear.blogspot.com but be forewarned if you are adverse to "bad words" as they are plentiful.

I'm very quickly growing fond of watching star trek. I used to watch it all the time with my dad, until they started in with "The Next Generation." I became frustrated that I didn't know the characters, and couldn't be bothered anymore. I might have gotten hooked, given more time, except that my dad magically disappeared, and so I no longer had anyone to watch it with. Star Trek didn't enter my life again until I began hanging out with Chimwemwe at school. Then I came home for the summer and watched some movies with Helmraiser who is also a huge star trek fan.

So here I am listening to Captain Picard saying that he can't take action to save a group of people living on a self destructing planet due to the "Prime Directive" which states that the Enterprise is supposed to maintain "non-interference" with societies it comes across. This brought up thoughts about American Foreign policy. Because the American Government keeps sticking it's nose where it doesn't belong, but this could be countered with the fact that many terrible things will happen if there is no interference....... which can be countered that many terribly things happen when there is interference..... it goes round and round and one has to ask oneself, which is the lesser evil? or the greater good?

I don't know

There's a bird stuck in our chimney. Shall I attempt to interfere? Is there anything I can do? Probably not. I just can't handle listening to him chirp and flap around in the vent.

I still have to tackle that battle of helm's deep. I swear it to you, I will save middle earth though hell should bar the way.

Well, I did watch the whole movie, all 20 hours of it, and then I popped in the two towers and watched that too. This, while cleaning the basement with a vigor that can only be attributed to pure disgust. All that remains is the computer desk and a vaccuuming, which I suppose can be left for tomorrow.

I have yet to make that cup of tea.

I wanted to run an idea past you kids...... I've been working on a long story (no idea how long) and I was thinking about posting it in sections as I wrote it. I thought this might provide some accountability for me as far as actually finishing it..... but then one thing I never do is allow an unfinished piece of writing to be seen. I don't know..... what do you think? So far it's my own story, it begins a week before I left for Africa and will chronicle the changes that took place in me during that time.

If you have any thoughts, feel free to test out my new comment box. I am once again considering a photo page but I'm not sure what would be a good way to go about that..... something that will load quickly. I don't know, when I have too much time on my hands I tend to play around with such frivolities.

Oh yeah, and Dear Coqui,
I have no idea what I'd say in the event that there was any way of contacting you, but I still wish such a thing was available. It figures...... I always want what I can't have.

I rented a playstation 2 game..... Lord of the Rings, and now of course all the things I had planned on doing have fallen by the wayside. I played straight through several levels last night without any trouble, and got up this morning to get through a few more, only to get stuck on the battle of Helm's Deep. I have a full health cheat, and I still can't get past it. It makes me so mad...... Grrrrrr...........

So I popped in the special extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring, to ease me aggravation. I'm sure I won't watch it all, but I need something to look at while I blog..... and eat...... and clean up this abomination of a room, the room we spend almost all our time in. But what shall I eat? And where shall I begin? And what if I prefer to lay down with a cup of tea and make my day off a true day off...... from everything.

And what shall I eat? The chow mein I heated up for breakfast left me hungry, and now it's after five...... time disappears on sundays and saturdays. That's too bad, because those are the best days, and all the others drag on as though all eternity was determined to lay down and die between monday and friday.

Ice cream sandwhich..... I'm running low, but I'll have one anyway. Perhaps the sugar therein will kickstart my brain into thinking of something else to eat.....

..... nope. No such luck. Although it sure was tasty. I don't want to do anything today..... The last couple weeks have been exhausting, and I'm definitely in need of a rest.... even so, straightening out my living quarters hardly qualifies as work, just as eating doesn't qualify as work......

..... I only want to lay down with a cup of tea.