Friday, March 19, 2004

Strangely enough, I never really regarded my mother as an authority on what was best for me. A little less so than the average kid, I think. I made my own decisions, and if they coincided with what she told me, all the better. If not, I fell back on my devious diabolical nature to avoid confrontations. More often than not, my mom was right. My mom is, after all, an excellent mother, though misled in areas. I remember very clearly the day I realized that I was gonna have to make up my own mind about how to conduct my life.

I must have been seven.... or younger. I'm certain that I was able to walk, but I know that everyone was much bigger than me, and I still had a fascination with balloons. There was a clown, and he had a fistful of balloons. He was surrounded by kids who wanted his balloons. I wanted one too, and I asked my mom for one. She told me to go ahead and ask the clown.

I approached the clown but the crowd of kids was big and I was very small..... a good deal below average, as a matter of fact. I waited for my turn to ask for a balloon, but by the time it came, the clown had run out. I returned to my mom, who asked where my balloon was, and I explained to her that the clown didn't have enough balloons for all of us. She informed me that I should have pushed my way to the front. Had I done so, I would have gotten a balloon.

This of course thrust my young mind into an intellectual conundrum..... you see I was a sunday school kid, and at sunday school they taught me a number of things. The issue at hand was that of selflessness.... putting others before yourself. Not only that, but wasn't it my mother herself who had worked so hard at pounding manners into my brain? I was under the impression that there was no appropriate time to push, buck in line, treat people with less respect than you would require. I was shocked that my mother would tell me to push ahead just for a silly balloon.

I remember that moment of confusion. I remember standing there stunned for a moment, trying to reconcile the two conflicting concepts. My conclusion was that the balloon wasn't all that important, and that pushing would have been wrong. I decided that my mom was wrong. I wondered if it was the only thing she was wrong about, or if there were other things as well. How would I know when she was wrong? I didn't know, but I decided that before doing as she said, I'd run it by my education first.

Thus began the climate of questioning. Except that I've always been non-confrontational...... so it was more sneaky. If one of her rules was silly or irrational, I simply disobeyed. Not because I wanted to be rebellious, but simply because she was wrong. When she was right, I cooperated. I made my own decisions as to what was best for me, and my mom was a source of unsolicited and occasionally flawed advice.

I guess I turned out all right. Parents are humans. They don't always know. They're humans. This knowledge became handy as my family's problems became more and more pronounced. As the divorce took ahold of our lives, I reminded myself that my parents were people, and people are prone to selfishness, and though there was as much pain as ever, I was able forgive them faster. I remember being confused by people who kept telling me that none of it was my fault. "Of course it's not," I always thought, "They're the ones with the problems!" It wasn't till I got much older, way after the fact, that the lies about my responsibility in the matter began to enter my head. I guess Satan was trying to take advantage of my adolescent hormones.

Stupid. I'm so glad that's all done with.


Interesting little twist......

It's really really true. You never know what's around the corner.


Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Okay, I haven't had much to say..... so here's a quick rundown. I need to get those support letters sent. I'm planning a blitzkrieg to Regina the first weekend in April, but I'm concerned that I might need to get some work done on my car first. We'll see..... I could really use a change of scenery..... and to see Chimwemwe, as well as my crowd over at the Regina Vineyard.

mmmmmm...... some of the pups have opened their eyes, and I'm waiting impatiently for them to get fun so I can figure out which one is mine. Today I bought a collar and leash but they won't fit for a while...... I just can't bear the waiting.

Things have been quite ordinary, and my mind has been on the details of my trip and finances and not so much on anything of substance. So that's where I've been. And now I need to go back there.....


Monday, March 15, 2004

You're Prufrock and Other Observations!

by T.S. Eliot

Though you are very short and often overshadowed, your voice is poetic
and lyrical. Dark and brooding, you see the world as a hopeless effort of people trying
to impress other people. Though you make reference to almost everything, you've really
heard enough about Michelangelo. You measure out your life with coffee spoons.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

I must say, this weekend has quickly dissolved, and the week ahead looks like a holiday since I'll only be working one job. It's amazing what those few extra hours can do to you..... it doesn't seem like much, but the body knows..... the body complains.....

Went to my parents' so they could do a birthday dinner for me, a week late on account of all that business with my stepmom, and having Fuzzy over last weekend, and all that unpleasant jazz..... and I took a friend of the family with, since she was invited, and as we were driving back to the city, the roads were terrible. I was taking it slow, trying to focus on finding the lines in the road..... when the lights went out.

No, not the lights on my car. Those work fine. Not the street lights..... there are no streetlights on the highway. In fact, there were no lights to be seen for miles around..... nothing lighting up billboards, no small towns, no farms with their spotlights, no lights anywhere.....

And yet, the lights went out. Or at least, it suddenly became infinitely darker. Joc and I both had a small fit.... because after all, how does a black night with no lights in the middle of blowing snow get even darker???

I don't know. It happened several times on the stretch of the Transcanada highway that leads from Winnipeg's south end to the turnoff to Steinbach. I have never experienced anything like it, and it was weird. To offset the weirdness, I told Joc about how my dad saw a UFO on my first birthday when he was on one of his long distance drives.

Actually, I don't think that helped the weirdness at all.

So then I pulled out the christianese and explained about how we were leaving the blessed angelic covering of the Bible Belt and proceeding into the spiritual darkness that is Winnipeg. This didn't help either..... she told me to turn around and stay in Steinbach.

Well I wasn't going to bow to the powers of darkness, Praise God, and in a tone that was dangerously close to mockery I proceeded to invoke God's protection as I blundered headlong into the darkness, which frequently continued to get darker.

Yeah...... I can talk the talk.

I try not to speak that language too often, and when I do, it's usually a joke. But really, I meant it. Whatever's going on in this world.... it gets crazier and crazier, and what is left for us if not God's protection?

We got home safe. Coo, yo.
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