Friday, September 03, 2004

I just haven't known what to say. Every day has been the same. Time has no meaning..... I get home from work and sit down.... and then it's 11, and I need to go to bed, lest I fall down and hurt myself the next day at work.

Well, I bought a video capture device for my computer, and just as soon as I figure out how to use the program, I'll get to work on my africa video.

Abu has an infection from her spay operation so starting tomorrow she has to take pills everyday and wear a cone collar. Poor thing.

Pomegranate juice made me feel bodily better.... not that I was ill.... but I wasn't well either.... I'm starting up with my vitamins again.... at this rate I'm not gonna survive the month.

God and I are discussing some things in a calm and civil manner. That's all I'll say for now.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Well..... what is there to say. Life is a story that ends when you die, and it is ever full of ups and downs and conflicts and resolutions and unsolvable mysteries and striking coincidences.... So I try not to gloat too much during the good times, nor complain too much during the bad.... and I try to let as much roll off my back as possible and find an outlet for the rest, and to find balance in those moments when I want to fly off the handle.

To be quite honest, most days I feel a million years old, a million years old and in all that time I haven't figured out what I'm here for, though I've figured out a bazillion other useless things, like how to write with dwarf runes and the lifespan of a tastebud.... life still makes precious little sense to me, though it continues to require a helluva lot of energy.

In ten years, they say, upon looking back at this time, there will be sense and order and purpose. In ten years I will see the path, the way I came, the obstacles that God led me around.... well that's great. Ten years?!?! What is ten years to me? Enough time to get married and have kids and pay off my debts and buy a house, build a fence, go to Africa and feed starving children.... or maybe ten more years like the last 3..... ten more years not being able to see any light at the end of any tunnels because I'm not looking down any tunnels.... I'm looking at the job ads, and there's no light there.

What is ahead of me? All I know right now is I'm tired. I'm a million years old and hoping that the next year brings some direction and the year after that some rest. A million years old and don't know what I want to do with my life, because all I want to do is what God wants me to do but He just doesn't want to clue me in. It's like a cosmic game of Marco Polo but I am ALWAYS "IT" Would somebody please tell Him that if He would tell me what to do, I would do it? In a heartbeat, I would just up and do it.

Now, I am currently frustrated with any number of aspects of human existence and the wonderful variety of ways that humans are able to feel anguish and grief (it's delightful, really, all the options) but I've come to understand that more often than not if I put it on the shelf and come back to it in, say, ten years, it will make a little more sense, and so most often I try not to spend too much time stewing about the things that I cannot understand (despite my gargantuan intellect).

Most days it just helps to write it down, or type it out, as I am doing now, and even as I do so, I feel better, and more confident, and less frustrated, and less concerned with unanswerable questions. The truth is, I'm in a time of transition, though the transition is not happening in my life.... it's happening in my brain.... I am changing, but my life is not changing, which is a subject of some contention, and it will continue to be so until the two begin to match up again.

Will I feel better if I watch Kill Bill? Drink Pepsi? Eat Popcorn? Probably. Because picking apart my budget and working on my resume just puts me in a foul disposition.
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