Saturday, December 06, 2003

I made way more money at the craft sale than I was expecting, and it made me glad that on a last minute whim I made a stock of star shaped ornaments, since those were pretty much all I sold. I have one left..... any takers? You get a deal... 50 cents. $20 shipping and handling.

I'm so tired at this point that I'd rather just camp out for the rest of the evening but as it turns out I have to go to a party with my coworkers, where there will be plenty of booze and I will have to pick just one lest I unintentionally become tipsy.

I'm formulating some ideas and constructing some tentative plans regarding my future, trying to navigate my tendency to procrastinate, while being realistic about what I can do.

The trip to Liberia is a big part of that so I guess I'm enlisting some prayers regarding things falling into place..... like time off work, and money. If anyone has any brilliant ideas about good ways to earn some mission trip funds..... please email me.

I have nothing funny or insightful to say tonight. I apologize for this shortcoming, and I will try to rectify it in the future.

Friday, December 05, 2003

I was thinking about a statement made in The Matrix "We do what we are meant to."

This sounds right to me. I've combined it with the question asked at house group "what does life without fear look like for you?"

I think that in a life without fear, I do what I am meant to.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

The sentence that frequently swims around in my head is this "I'm so tired of being alive."

Which is not to say that I want to die, but simply that I frequently find the act of living to be quite exhausting.

New song on the mp3 player..... finally..... You Had Time by Ani Difranco.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Today I took what Nancy refers to as a "Mental Health Day"

Basically, I called in sick to recover my sanity after a stupid weekend. I felt guilty at first, but seeing the vast improvement in my emotional condition, I think that it was the right thing to do. Is that possible? In society where high integrity and hard work are not overly rewarded, could it be possible that my well-being should be my primary concern?

I've been approaching a basic turning point in my thinking, and it has something to do with emotional responsibility.

Everyone has responsibilities, but sometimes people walk along and put stuff on us that never belonged there...... My shoulders are only so broad. Thus, I need to sort the responsibilities that are inherently mine, and put down those that have been wrongfully placed on me.

Easier said than done. I would like to be selfless and strong, just carry everything, but as it turns out, this is one of the few things that I simply cannot do. I've been staggering along, sustained by sheer will alone, since the day my mom stuck me on a bus with Chifunda to visit my dad in the city, and it's been one foot in front of the other ever since.

But I'm beginning to understand that the burdens I often bear are not rightfully mine, and so the time may be approaching to say "NOOOOOOOOO."

And then again, "NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO! No. Sorry but no."

Easier said than done.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Funny story....

Bit of background. I'm at church, and all the house-group leaders are sharing a little about what their group is about and what they do. Jason asks me to go up with him and say a few words. I comply. We go up there, and Jason makes a comment about how there are couples that go to our housegroup, and singles, of which Leila here is one..... single, that is. I give him a 'look' a few people laugh. I say my piece. I return to my seat.

After church is over I stand with Yvonne drinking cofee and chatting. I comment (with extreme sarcasm) that I am shocked that hundres of guys aren't chasing me down, after Jason's comment. "Yeah," she says, "I was wondering how many phone numbers you got." I laugh, and she begins to say something else, but was unable to finish since she was cut off by a tall dark guy with blue eyes. He cut into our conversation and thrust out his hand to shake mine, saying "I just wanted to say hi," and something else, which I can't remember.

Yvonne stands there shocked, and I extend my hand and say hi. I am as shocked as Yvonne, but for a different reason. This is my "ex-boyfriend" (for lack of a more appropriate term) and I haven't seen him in two years. His impeccable timing and quick departure have left me stunned and confused.

After he leaves I'm quick to explain to Yvonne that I know him.

Clark's recent post about a trip to Walmart has contributed to my growing concern about the environment. At work I had already been taking extra garbage runs in order to make sure that paper gets recycled. Since Clark's post I've found myself opting out of plastic bags a couple of times. A single bag of chips, for example, does not need to be placed in yet another bag.

If I multiply the amount of waste I produce (paper and plastic alone) and multiply that the millions of people kicking around in just Canada...... I can almost hear the ominous rumbling of a majestic forest falling down dead. I picture mountains of unnecessary trash sweeping across the prairies like a monstrous stinking glacier.

It's true. I am a tree hugger. I always have been. I love trees, I love forests, I love hammocks overlooking pristine lakes shaded by pine needles. I love the smell of earth and leaves and wind, I love the soft ground breathing under my feet. I love moss covered rocks surrounded by cranberry bushes, lounging and eating and smelling and resting and marinating in the peaceful atmosphere of a forest.... any forest.

In a world where forests are hard to come by..... I am a sad, stressed little girl.

So let's use less plastic, shall we? For once, Clark and I agree!!
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