Saturday, October 04, 2003

My dad is a good man in disguise.

At least, all the people who know me, and keep asking me how my dad's doing, cuz they're praying for his salvation, and for his healing, and for his family...... all those people would never guess what a good man he is, or has become, or didn't used to be. I know they see his long scraggly hair and dirty torn jeans as some sort of indication of his inner condition. They hear him cuss and crack crude jokes and think that his sense of humour somehow exempts him from the reaches of salvation.

My dad lives with his family on a small piece of property in a mostly deserted little town, in what he refers to as the last frontier of manitoba. There are five people living in the house that is constantly being changed and built on to. My dad, his wife, my two brothers, and his wife's sister, who he constantly refers to as his second wife (with a wink and a poke in the ribs, to whoever's nearest)

Rosie is married and has three kids of her own, and the entire family was planning on packing up and moving to Moose Jaw where her husband "had a job lined up." However, after she had quit her job and he had gambled away the rent, he told her that she wasn't coming with them, and he wanted to split. So homeless and familyless Rosie came to live at my dad's house with the rest of that half of my family.

I think that most men might complain about that.... at least most men with a temperament like my dad's...... always with something to rant about. But as it turns out, he treats her just like one of the family. Not just by giving her a roof over her head, but sitting outside with her for coffee, talking to her about her kids, joking around with her, getting protective and pissed off whenever her jackass husband pops into the conversation.

It's been my experience that you can't just throw people into a house together and expect them to love each other, even if they are family members. Why do I think it's such a beautiful thing to see, my family...... the sort of family that can't spare anything yet will always take someone in who needs a place, the sort of family who always makes enough supper for those who might drop by. The sort of family you wouldn't expect to find behind the peeling paint and the battered cars.

Rosie is a wonderful person, and I enjoy having her around. She acts as a neutral personality when my dad and stepmom's extreme temperaments get out of control. She's so open and honest and accepting and in the times that I've spent just sitting and talking with her, drinking coffee on the deck, joking around in the living room, I've really grown to love her, and I'll certainly miss her when she finds a place to stay.

After getting off the phone with her husband, Rosie expressed deep concern for her teenage daughter, who was threatening to run away and wanted to come back to Manitoba. Her and my dad were discussing the situation when I overheard this remark, spoken louder since my dad was beginning to get excited, "Your kids aren't having trouble because they're teenagers. It's because they don't have two parents in the house!" He went on to say some other stuff which I recognized as truth, but I couldn't help but smile to myself.

I think sometimes my dad forgets that he was once a negligent father, although most of the time he seems painfully aware of it. I think he might think that just because I never got into trouble, the divorce didn't affect me as much as it seems to affect other kids. He talks about me, even when I'm in the room, as some sort of exceptional, invincible individual, able to accomplish anything I wish and capable of withstanding any beating the world might throw my way.

Not invincible. Perhaps the rest is true. I suppose we'll see.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Stop asking questions you know the answers to.

Thinking back on that time in my life when people said of me "Now there's a God-filled young person" I remember how sometimes it felt like something I conjured up, knowing very well that I was, in fact, touched by God, but not sure of how to express it. I was painfully aware of what was expected of me, what was accepted in those circles, and sometimes I wonder if I haven't been pulling a chameleon act my whole life. So what now? Now that I have a clearer picture of who I am, now that I no longer wish to live a camouflage life, how do I worship? How do I pray? Stripped of the molds I so easily poured myself into, I lack a template by which to conduct myself. I think that sometimes I'm praying but I don't know it, and I think that sometimes when I'm trying to pray it's nothing but empty scattered words. So how does Little Bear pray? How does she worship? No one can demonstrate those things for me, since I am so talented at emulating the methods of others. I won't do it any longer, which is perhaps why I find myself doing nothing.

Written during house group.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

It's so nice to be back online that I can't think of what I'd like to say.

The dog is not impressed with the resurrection of the computer. I haven't eaten yet. I should do that, but I don't feel like it. I'm facing the reality that I may have to rewrite the missing file, a prospect that terrifies and stresses me out. It's something I put so much heart into that the idea that it might be truly gone makes me kind of angry. But then again, it was a true story, and I was stuck. Perhaps if I rewrite it, I can improve it in ways I wouldn't have seen.

Maybe...... but oi........ so many words gone!! I'm still hoping to find it.

Okay, so food.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003


This Flatscreen LCD Monitor will have to do until my old picture box comes back from the factory.

I just couldn't wait one more day to say hello.

Nothing new. I can't remember the stuff I was wanting to say before this whole fiasco. I've had a rough week...... actually this has been going on for a couple weeks..... if it's not one thing, it's something else, I suppose. I'm feeling better, the computer's back up, we once again have hot water, nobody's bugging me, so everything here's cool. Especially the snow...... too cool for my liking.

It's late and I'll have more to say tomorrow, but for now, I just wanted to say hi because my life without internet can be a lonely thing. For now I have to go to bed.

I'm missing a rather large file of writing material, and no amount of system restoring will turn it up...... so if any of you would like to read it, I suggest you pray for a re-creative miracle.

That's it. I'm out.
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