Saturday, November 08, 2003

When my dad finished up with his medication for Hepatitis C, it was because the depressants in the chemicals nearly drove him to suicide. My aunt, after a disturbing phone call from him, drove out to see him and then joined him in demanding to be taken off the medication. They took him off, and did some tests. He was coming up negative for Hep C.

Until recently.

He'll shortly be going back on his medication, which involves self injections about 3 times a week, making him incredibly sick, sore, and mood swingy, possibly suicidal.

My concern is understandable. I think. I guess if it's not one thing, it's another. Lately it seems like I'm always picking up burdens, just as quickly dropping them at my feet, and then scrambling over the pile of rubble to a vantage point where I can see God. Yes, I working at it. First things first..... second things second..... but if anyone tells me it's not a struggle, I will call them a liar.

After all the time I've spent ignoring the matters of importance in my life, it's no wonder that it's quite a climb, reminding me that prevention is indeed the best medicine.

Did you ever try to watch a specific hummingbird, or skydiver, or football player, through a pair of binoculars? If you lose sight of your target, it's nearly impossible to find it again. You can look and look, turn your head, move those binoculars around..... finally take them away from your face and realize you're looking in the wrong direction.

So don't lose that hummingbird. Keep it in your crosshairs. Keep those binoculars trained on the object of your observation. If you lose it, you'll have a hard time finding it again.

Friday, November 07, 2003

When I started this blog, I did so on the premise that I would be painfully honest. I decided that this would be a place, perhaps the only place, where I would bare it all. As time went by and more people who knew me started reading, I had to be a little more selective, choosing not to write about certain topics, but staying as raw as I could and taking whatever chances that involved. I understood that there are risks involved with posting any kind of personal information on the internet.

For example, with a bit of notetaking and dedication, there at least a couple of bloggers out there that I could track down, pop out of some hedges and yell "BOO!!!" Shortly after I'd be arrested for stalking or tracking or something. Similarly, anyone as obsessive as myself would have no trouble extracting from my archives the global coordinates of my various haunts. My church, for example. Couple this information with pictures, and I am indeed a naiive fool. But I'm not the only one, so it's okay. After all, who cares where I live, where I go to church, or where I drop in for coffee?

By all indications, no one.

But as bloggers we share with one another the things on our hearts and the thoughts in our heads, and this is the information that draws us together. For this reason I hold steadfastly to my theory that absolute vulnerability is the only reason I have for writing. Anything less is pointless...... mediocrity is not something I aspire to, although I achieve it so frequently......

The point is that every once in a while I get an email from a random cybersurfer that makes me stop and wonder if I'm not wasting my time. Do I really come across that way? Have I truly failed at articulating myself? Am I opening myself up to unsolicited advice from those who typically have no more than a week of background information? Why do I do this......just to remind myself...... why do I blog?

Perhaps it's just my personality, but few things bother me as much as feeling misunderstood. So days like today when I ponder my response, I wonder about all the others I haven't heard from...... have they misunderstood me as well? Am I failing to communicate?

I don't believe so. I'm trying to remember the positive feedback I've recieved. I'm trying to focus on those who know me better. I'm trying not to let it bother me.

Since my last post I've found myself being very oversensitive and irritable. What's bugging me? I should find out.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Hiding in the storage room at work, I leaned forward in the chair with my face in my hands and wept, "I just need help."

Help has been coming, but not like I would expect. Not like I would hope. Not like an airlift or forgiven debt or a miraculous sign. No, help comes like little windows of opportunity, little pinpricks of light guiding me through a labyrinth of despairing tunnels.

A tape from Mike Bickle keeps ringing in my ears, one where the concept is repeatedly pounded into my head "Keep first things first, and second things second." As in, the most important thing, or the first commandment, if you're into rules, is to love God with all your heart. This is to be my first concern. Everything else is to be second. Other things are important, but not as important as loving God. Things like morals and ethics and theology, basic human survival..... these are all important, but they are second.

I've allowed myself to be overtaken by things that should be second. It should come as no surprise to me that God would not allow me to succeed without Him. I should not be shocked to find myself at the bottom of this hole, shovel in hand.

Nothing in my life can be right unless my life is about God. Everything will be empty and meaningless. Other stuff, like money, blogging, work...... sorting through my repulsion to religion and structure, Africa, these things are all part of my life.... but they need to be second.

First things first, second things second. I'll repeat it like a mantra until I can fix my eyes on God and leave my fears and burdens and dreams in His capable hands. Is there any other way? Will anything else satisfy?

Frankly, I don't know if I can trust God. Over the last year I've felt so let down so many ways that when I pray, I do so with the makings of a Plan B swimming around in my head. Can I learn to trust God? Is He trustworthy? These are questions that I can't answer, not while my life is ruled by the things that ought to be second.

So, I just need help. There. I said it.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Clark: I can't believe that, that's terrible!!
Me: This is not good at all.
NO!!! OH NO!!!
K.i.l.l Him!!!
Catch that Saskatchefaggot!!
Oh wait..... hold on....
Beeping Beep piece of Beep
How could this happen? This never happens......
Oh here they go......
What? do you think that helps?
I don't know. I can't help it.
Beep you saskatchefaggots.
What else is on?

Watching the game. I'm so sad.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Okay, new addition to the writing project. Rewriting stuff I liked the first time feels like an impossible task, and it simply hasn't been flowing. For this reason, it looks to me like complete drivel and I can't wait to get into fresh territory. Anyways, there it is, over on the right. In case you're interested.

Oh, and I also moved the links from the right over to the top..... that old list wasn't terribly user friendly. Note the mp3 player..... I often post song lyrics but I know that reading song lyrics doesn't compare to actually listening to it..... so when I want to post a song or lyrics from a song I'll have it on that mp3 player. I might also stick stuff in there if a song's in my head and I want to inflict it on the rest of you in order to get it out. I'm still tweeking with that, so be patient. Now playing "I'm Still Here" by Jonny Rzeznik.
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