Ahh...... the blame game.

It's his fault, because he's such an asshole all the time, and didn't get her a christmas present, and pushes her buttons and rolls his eyes.....

But then it might be my fault, since I knew something was wrong, but I was tired and I was angry and I was selfish and I didn't want to subject myself to yet another traumatic visitation......

Maybe it's their fault, after all they were right there, and they were supposed to be supporting her, and they were supposed to see her need, and they should have invited her over for coffee....

It's too complicated to place blame. And everyone is responsible for their own actions. It's easy to blame chemical imbalances and bipolar syndrome and manic depression and pot withdrawal, but when my stepmom swallowed that bottle of antidepressants, she made as many choices as there were pills, and every single one of those choices was made in blatant disregard for the children who desperately need her.

How will my family survive my stepmom's latest suicide attempt? I don't know. I just don't know.

My disdain for the medical community is at it's peak right now, as they help her to skirt the issue at the core by telling her she's got a mental disorder and needs more pills. She just swallowed a whole fucking bottle of pills, but she needs more. Yeah great, so what's to stop her from swallowing those the next time she runs out of weed? Good question. I don't know the answer to that one either.

I repeat it like a mantra...... They're not my responsibility. Her choices, his attitude, the boys..... they're my family, but they're not my responsibility. I can only pray...... only pray..... only pray..... but sometimes praying feels like doing nothing and sometimes I just can't pray anymore.

Last night I was only angry. Mad and pissed and sick of it all. I called Rafiki and begged for a moment, just a few minutes, and she prayed with me, and then I went back to my parents and fell asleep on the couch with an old movie starring Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson playing quietly in front of me. I felt better in the morning.

I spent the day with my dad (miserable) Pooky (oblivious) and Fuzzy (not talking). Visited my stepmom in the hospital. Always listening, always speechless. They can come to me, I'm there. But who will I go to? I'm alone tonight. It's better that way. Spilling myself here to all you faceless entities, but on a night like tonight I can't help but wish I had someone of my own.

Just in case I suddenly found something to say.

I came home to three piles of poo and a puddle of pee. A problem I could solve, a stink I could eradicate. I almost welcomed the task.

Never in my life have I worked two different jobs at one time. Lots of people do it. I just never have. And I must say..... it makes me tired. I'll get used to my routine. Until then my body is creaking.

I'm sure gonna miss house group.

working on a new template. yeah, I got the coding bug. javascript.... grrrrr......

The sun was shining today. Real live sunlight, melting the sidewalks and filling my heart with joy. All of a sudden I found myself smiling, for no reason, walking around outside with a sweater and my brand new hoky.

Well okay, it's not BRAND new hoky.

You probably don't even know what a hoky is. I was given this hoky by a guy who was packing up a senior citizen's possessions for auction. I had been bugging my boss for one for quite some time since I had suddenly remembered that my grandma used to have one in her house.

A hoky is a contraption used for sweeping carpet. It rolls lint and small pebbles into a tray, and has a long handle. Mostly old people have them because they're light and cordless, and since old people are so tidy, their carpets don't get terribly dirty.

My vaccuum at work weighs about 20 pounds when the bag's full. I carry it on my shoulder and use it to vaccuum 13 buildings, each with 3 floors. I do all the buildings nearly every day. Needless to say, my routine has been taking a toll on my body, particularly my back and shoulders.

My hoky is about 5 pounds, if that. I can do twice as much work in half the time with a tenth of the effort. No tool has ever had such a vast impact on my quality of life. Seriously, a stupid hoky has me giddy. I discovered that the same tool, albeit a newer model, is being sold at Grand and Toy for $139.99. Behold the Rubbermaid Dual-Action Sweeper!!

God must love me alot.

As of this morning, I am double employed!!!

True, after working 8 hours today, I am not overly enthusiastic about another 4. However, what must be done...... must be done. 8 hours a week is manageable. Not only that, but with spring coming up, tenants are starting to think about hiring me for some private cleaning. If I keep managing my funds and keep organized, good things will happen.

Besides work, a friend taught me some little tricks on the guitar so I need to find some time to put those to practice. For the time being I'm gonna go consume some carbs and get ready for work. If you don't hear from me, it's because I'm incredibly tired. Have a good one.

okay..... my computer has contracted a deadly virus. I'm at my friend's, who has just formatted my hard drive. I will attempt to go home and re-install my life. If it doesn't work, you won't hear from me in a while. so sad. pray hard.

Update: Thanx Chris, all is well. And that extra stick of RAM is doing wonders. All of a sudden, I like my computer!!

okay now I'm late for bed.