Saturday, January 03, 2004

I've decided that I'm as good as I can possibly get. So I've given new year's resolutions no more thought.... since my last post.

But I have been reading. And I'm roasting some potatoes as I write this. I made stir fry on New Year's eve, and it was yummy (that's right, I made something yummy). To compensate for how good I am, I bought a case of pepsi and proceed to drink it .

It snowed last night like I haven't seen in a long time. We woke up to huge drifts up against doors and over walkways...... I don't know how long it took me to clear a valley to the sidewalk and around my car, but it took several hours for my knees to stop aching. Besides being snowy...... it's also quite cold. Actually, standard weather for this season, but it's been quite mild up until now so I'm not really used to it.

I was reflecting today about a time in my life when I believed myself to be quite broken and dysfunctional.... and I think that the thing that kept me that way for so long was this twisted affection for my disease..... this safety that came with being broken. Something about being in that place..... I didn't really want to get better.

It was a dark, dark time for me, and I bought into the idea that seems to permeate my generation, and that is quite simply that we will never be better. We can never be normal. A paper crumpled up can't be perfect again (lyric courtesy of Linkin Park).

I know people in this place, hopeless for their healing, and yet loving their illness. Can they ever be whole? They don't think so, but they don't want to be. And yet they wish they could be.

Does any of this sound familiar? Does it make sense? Are you with me? Do you care?

In that case I submit an idea that may be old or may be new or may be absurd. That the first step, or perhaps an important step towards healing, is coming to hate your illness. Wanting it to leave. Despising what it does to you.


Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I'm sorry.

I've been..... irritable and I think it shows in my posts. I mean, I'm not sorry for being irritable or having a down time.... but I'm sorry for dragging you into grief that you needn't be concerned with. I think I got it out of my system. Back to normal. All is well with the universe.

Tomorrow is new year's eve and though I normally ignore new year's, I think that this might be a handy time to embark on some new self improvement adventure. I don't want to make any lofty vows that I can later break. I don't think I have a fear of failure, but I am painfully aware of my lack of discipline.

I was thinking of having a clear idea of what I'd like to achieve personally this next year, but I also want to make sure I have a plan of action to help myself succeed. So here's a couple things I was thinking about. I'll refine these goals and come up with some ideas to help myself, and post the finished list tomorrow. I think they're mostly predicable but maybe I'll find a creative way to implement them.

1)Learn to cook. Focus: Asian dishes, cuz they're healthy. I got a wok for christmas, and some random imported ingredients..... there must be a way to put it all together and come up with something edible. If I make something super yummy, I'll be motivated to make it on a regular basis. If I make my own food, I'll be healthier. I can control my consumption of hydrogenated stuff. Whatever that means.

2)Get in control of my compulsive snacking. This includes pepsi, lays chips, nachos and salsa, microwave popcorn, and McDicks. Not stop..... just control. I was in control for a while, but now I'm so out of control...... so maybe just do a little purge and then try to learn the art of moderation.

3)Excercise. target: midriff. I'm not talking about rock hard abs, I just think that 50% of my body mass doesn't need to be located between my ribs and my hips. Reasonable? I think so.

4)Devotional/Bible Reading/Prayer. My pursuit of wisdom has been blessed with The Message: Wisdom Books, a greatly appreciated gift from my Malaysian sister who spent christmas with me and my family. Let's suppose I was to sit down in a quiet place and read it every now and then. Would that be logical? It would probably lead to introspection and communication with God, being the Word of God, and all. Yes, this would be good.

5)Write. Return to my old friend, the fountain pen and the notebook. Rediscover poetry and prose. Explore some new ideas. Be alone with my thoughts so I can get them out of my head.

6)Read more. Like..... books. Made with paper and ink. Get a library card maybe. My brain needs some material to chew on. I feel like I'm getting stupider by the day.

So I guess I'll think about those for a day or so, come up with a diabolical scheme to perfect my nearly perfect self.... hehehehehe....

Some interesting reading..... Baghdad Burning and Dear Raed describe christmas in a war zone. Ain't the holidays grand?

Sunday, December 28, 2003

My stepmom had something she had forgotten to give me, so today I met up with her where she was visiting at her sister's house.

I knew the day I got home that I was affected by her fight with my dad on boxing day, but I didn't realize how much until today.

It doesn't matter how old you are, you shouldn't have to choose between loyalties when it comes to your parents. So when she talks him down I feel this instant bristling....

Yes, I know he can be an ass. Yes, I understand that he's selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, he's lazy too.

Newsflash: I knew these things about him long before you met him. And you knew these things about him before you married him. So don't complain to me about how you got yourself into a situation that you can't appreciate. I never got to choose my dad, but you chose him. So don't tell me what a bad guy he is as though I can offer any explanation. I love my dad despite his shortcomings.

And yes I know he pushes your buttons and makes you cry, but don't you think you hurt him too? How dare you apologize to me over and over again for being a basket case when I know perfectly well that you have no intention of getting better. I'm his daughter. Not some grownup you can complain to. Not your therapist. Not your sister. Not your friend.

This is about crossing boundaries. Boundaries ensure safety. I'd rather trust the people I love not to cross them than have to resort to the untouchable sort of security that I used to subscribe to. I want to be able to trust my family.

I think maybe this is the underlying aggravation of this year's holiday season, is time after time trying to push them all back over the line and say "This is my space. This is as far as you can go." and they want me to feel guilty about it. My boundaries are different than theirs so now there must be something wrong with me. I obviously don't have my priorities in order. Either that or somewhere along the way I acquired some self respect. Heaven forbid!

I finally told my mom on Saturday, after she laid another guilt trip on me about going back to steinbach to stay another night to spend time with my stepsister (who's visiting from BC), "I know what my boundaries are and I dare not cross them. I need some time out, and that's what I'll give myself."

Something I'm learning about my family. They won't take tact for an answer. They won't shut up and leave me alone until I raise my voice.

Which is too bad, since we all know how much I love yelling.
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