So...... I'm gonna be playing a djembe at church on sunday night. I haven't played on a worship team in two years. I'm doing my best not to feed my insecurity.

Went bowling today with my friend and a couple of (gasp) boys!!

That was fun. Lost one, won one. Had some pizza and a Mike's Hard Cranberry. Sounds very American, doesn't it? All I could think about as I rushed forward and tossed the ball at the gutter "Some people say bowling alleys got big lanes (got big lanes! got big lanes!)" You know, the song from Bowling for Columbine, in the beginning, where all the people are bowling.

In the lane next to us, kids went diving headfirst across the line, sliding across the floor as their balls crashed down and slowly bounced between the gutter bumpers..... and it made me wonder......

Why don't bowling alley floors get dented? They're made out of hardwood, right? How on earth can they take the abuse that they do without losing their integrity? And what's with bowling anyways? It's the stupidest thing. Of all the things to do with one's time....... bowling??

Though I did have fun. Strange. Blame it on the black lights.

Something's been bugging me.

Well..... a few things have been bugging me, but I think they're all related. Triggers and symptoms. Disproportionate anger and resentment and stress. Too many zits. I've spent the week in a fairly negative headspace.

Trigger? Parking ticket in front of my house. Yes that's right, I'm so talented, that I have devised a way to break the law whilst I slumber. No details for you. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it, nevertheless I will have to pay it. Too much damn infrastructure, I tell you.

This compounds the next trigger, which is financial stress.

Which reveals the real issue....... Trust.

"Trust God.... He'll provide for all your needs."
"Don't worry about anything. That's God's job"
"God provides for grass and sparrows, He'll take care of you."

Yeah, well, forgive for being heretical, but grass doesn't pay bills, and sparrows don't get parking tickets.

I have complete confidence that God will not allow me to starve to death, nor find myself homeless on the street. I do not doubt that He will provide for every one of my carnal needs...... but dare I say it? When I find myself in this position, this desperate, please help me, I'm about to wind up in collections.... when I try to trust God to provide for my financial needs, well...... I wind up further in debt and late on payments, and when I simply can't wait any longer, I find a way, I borrow some money, I pull some strings, and I do it on my own.

But these things we know about God. That He is never late. That He is ALWAYS true to His word. And if my experience with Him has been contrary to these things, then there is an obvious glitch in my perceptions.

So what is wrong with me?

I'm praying about it.

I miss the river.

I just started my online TESOL course and I'm already bored.

Pray for me.

Bloody cold.

The blizzard on Friday night was followed up by deathly cold. Deathly.

DEATHLY

This morning, windchill taken into account, it was -47 Celsius. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Do you have any idea how cold that is?

This is the morning that my boss had scheduled for the parking lot at the apartments to be completely cleaned. As a result, we had sent out letters last week requesting that all tenants remove their cars for the day so that a proper job could be done.

In any other city, what would have happened, is most of the people would have moved their cars, some of them wouldn't have, the dude would have come, scraped the lot, trucked away the snow, everyone would have moved their cars back into their respective stalls, and we all would have gone home. Simple. Easy. A whole bunch of grown-ups working together for a common good.

HOWEVER this is Winnipeg. And in Winnipeg it will be warm in December, it will rain, and then it will freeze, and then it will get warm again, and then it will freeze. Once there's 2 inches of perfect crystal-clear ice (death, death I tell you) it will proceed to snow for 3 days. This will be followed by a normal day to give you a chance to dig down to the ice, spread some salt, and begin chipping away at the skating rink beneath.

During this time, the sidewalks will produce a disgusting brown slush the consistency of chocolate pudding, and you will proceed to track it into MY lobby, grind it into MY stairs, and spread it over MY carpets!!! I WILL VACCUUM IT ALL UP AND YOU WILL NOT THANK ME!!!!

This is also the day I deliver the letters telling you to move your car the following monday. You thought it was a busy day until it started snowing, harder and harder and harder. Then there was a weather warning. It continued to blow all night long and in the morning the drifts were waist high.

So explain to me why you were surprised when on monday morning, once you had moved your car despite the -47 windchill, the tractor that was supposed to come wouldn't start, and a replacement couldn't be found until 12.

Do you think maybe the other tractors were CLEARING THE STREETS OF THE CITY?!?!?!?

My observations of winnipeggers in the past has been that when the weather turns yucky, they stick together. They tow each other out of ditches, they give each other boosts, they let each other use cell phones and give each other places to warm up, because if there's anything every winnipegger knows, it's that Winnipeg is cold. Empathy is never far away for the individual who has been victimized by our ghastly weather. We make exceptions, we go with the flow, we slow down and chill out and nod understandingly when things can't go the way we planned because the weather has gone out of control. After all, people die in this weather. Since we choose to live here, we also know that sometimes we have to work around it.

Maybe it's just that my exposure to rich spoiled snobs is fairly limited, but I was shocked, astounded, apalled, by the bitching and moaning of the tenants today. I mean, Do you want the lot cleared? Do you like bouncing over the unevenly packed snow? Do you enjoy trudging through a pile of snow to get in your car? Okay then. If I understand you correctly, you would like to move your car for a couple of hours so we can get this done for you, you special special person.

Oh, it's taking too long? DID YOU NOTICE THE BLIZZARD?? THE FREAKY BITING COLD?? Tell you what. Why don't you curl up next to your warm crackling fireplace in your overpriced apartment and thank your lucky stars that the tractor-guy isn't African, because he wouldn't show up for another 3 days.

I'll just be leaning into the wind, trudging from building to building in the dry, frozen, steal-your-breath winter to make make sure you don't have to look at any dirt.

You're welcome.

Pussies.

Allow me to clarify regarding that last post. It's not about me. Now. It's not about me right now. I used to have a hard time with a lot of things, and though I know that we never stop dealing with our various issues, I believe that in those principal areas where I was hurting, I am now whole.

This is perhaps why I was thinking about it. Because God has healed me..... I've experienced the insanity and then watched it leave. I've hated myself and grew to love myself. I've listened to the noise in my head subside. I've been consumed by hatred and anger and then one day woke up and realized that somewhere along the way, the gaping wounds had closed up and scarred over and here I am, whole. Better. Healthy. Not perfect, but in really good shape.

So when I hear people say that they can never be better, I can say no. It's not true. It's a lie designed to hold you under and the truth is that you can come out of it. You can choose healing for yourself, but it will most likely require a good share of courage. Which brings to mind the old adage, a good thing is worth fighting for.

I woke up one morning quite recently and set to work closing the various pop-ups that had come up during the night, when I came across an interesting ad. It said "Jesus Loves You"

Evangelizing Pop-ups? 3 guesses what I think about that.