Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Two summers ago I was beaten senseless by a couple of girls who thought it would be fun to carjack my sunfire, just outside of my church, and not too far from where I currently live. At the time I didn't yet live in winnipeg, but I was staying in the city for the weekend with Clark and Helmraiser. I remember cracking jokes, though I had felt violated and scarred. I remember driving through the city a day later, crying quietly as Coldplay was playing on the radio, so sore I could hardly shift gears.

I had always been naturally wary but that weekend introduced me to a new kind of fear. For the next little while I fought a terror of simple things. Going to my car was particularly frightening. I don't know if my friends were aware of how my North End experience had affected me. I moved to Regina the following September, where I lived in a fairly seedy neighborhood, and being the only student living where I did, I was required to do a lot of travelling by myself, via bus and bike. Though my fear began to fade, I continued to find myself looking over my shoulder, jumping at small sounds, keeping a safe distance between myself and others at the bus stops. I can even remember carrying a rock in my pocket on one particularly frightening day.

Now I live in the North End. I feel quite safe in this area..... it's hard to explain how a single street can separate a safe neighborhood from a slum...... how just one block over my street becomes a place I wouldn't want to live. Two blocks away is a seven eleven, previously my pepsi supplier and snack lifeline. During the winter months I frequently would bundle up and walk to sev, and even after dark I wasn't afraid, since there were very few people out in the cold. Come spring, I was working at superstore, and purchased whatever I needed before going home. I hadn't taken the walk to sev in quite some time, up until the other night.

I decided it was about time I helped myself to a pepsi. I decided on taking the walk to sev, though it was dark, and a beautiful night. I had forgotten that I was afraid. I set off around the corner and across the street, then down a back alley which leads straight to sev. As I was walking, I passed an open garage where a man and woman had the hood up on a green car. As I passed, the man left the garage, and approached the alley. I felt my stride quicken and my fists clench, but kept my eyes ahead as I heard his footsteps behind me. For a few endless moments I listened to him follow me, until the sound of a dumpster lid slamming made me jump. His footsteps returned to the garage, and I fought the urge to run.

I bought my pepsi and returned home without incident. I hadn't realized that I was still afraid. I had thought that it had left me. I wonder if it ever will, or if it should stay..... maybe it keeps me safe. Maybe one day that shot of adrenaline will save my life. I guess as long as it doesn't keep me from doing what I have to do....


Post a Comment

<< Home

my site feed
powered by blogger