Saturday, December 10, 2005

"There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living on the street, and they think, 'business as usual.' But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.

These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of each heart. Meanwhile, the lot of widows and homeless children is very hard, and it is to their defence, not God's, that the self righteous should rush."

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Went to the spa today with Chimwemwe. If you're a longtime reader (I don't know if longtime is a proper word, but it is in Liberia, and it's pronounced "lahn-tie.") then you know who Chimwemwe is and why this time was special. Also my neck has been somewhat stiff and the spa was helpful in that regard as well.

Watched "Crash" this weekend and was not disappointed in the least. Excellent movie. Fantastic writing. Thought provoking content. Familiar faces. Definitely worth buying.

I feel good. The future feels hopeful, and impossible all at the same time. I realized as I was praying last night just how much disappointment I was carrying. So much disappointment in life and people and just how much duller reality is than I had hoped when I was young. I am still young, but old enough to have found so much sadness and disenchantment in the world. All this time I've been carrying it, a backpack full of rocks, and it has colored everything, and it has been a terrible burden.

So I cried. For all the disappointments in so many things, and there are many, as I'm sure there are for everyone. I'm no less disappointed now, but I refuse to carry it, refuse to let my cynicism stop me from imagining the good things that could come into being.

I am slowly bringing myself around, redirecting my focus. I'm learning to recognize God's voice. That is the most important thing. That is everything.

I have some real challenges ahead of me. I'm learning a thing or two. Now I'm going to bed. Today was a wonderful day. Tomorrow could be interesting. I'll find out when i wake up.
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