Christmas is coming.

This Christmas there are many things to be considered. For example..... how will my loved ones react to NOT getting christmas presents? How will I find the balls to stick up for myself and go to ONLY the family gatherings where the relatives are related to me? Do I dare ask God for the one thing that I truly want for Christmas? The thing that is priceless, the thing that can't be bought or sold or given to me by anyone but Him?

In my heart I've already asked..... or at least hinted, the timid sort of chickenshit asking that probably doesn't deserve a response.

Christmas is coming.

All over the world, people are buying useless stuff for other people, checking items off lists so more people can stuff more useless stuff in their closets until they finally, years later, throw it away or drop it off in a cardboard box at the salvation army..... tv stations are using sex and santa claus to push their products under the guise of goodwill and holiday cheer..... millions of dollars are powering colored lights wound around plastic reindeer and hedges and fences and pine trees.... and all of it is for what?

I've heard somewhere that we're supposedly celebrating the birth of Christ, but not much of what I see and hear at Christmas time speaks to me of a humble birth in a manger, contentedness amidst poverty, quiet celebration for the downtrodden. It would seem that if I would only take the time to focus on "the meaning of christmas" I could ignore the gaudy bombardment of commercialism and capitalism, the exploitation of religion to push the ever pervasive theme of our society, and that theme is "me"

For christmas, I want this and this and this and this...... and we think if we read the story from Luke of Mary and Joseph and the angels and shepherds and the crowded hotels, somehow we've justified our rampage of materialism.

Every christmas, I mostly just grumble about how I hate christmas. It's an expensive holiday full of emotional turbulence that I simply haven't the energy to invest in. 6 family gatherings and hundreds of dollars later I'm still just a selfish overfed north american who is missing the point of Jesus Christ if for one moment I thought that I could overlook the plight of the poor while acknowledging my Lord.

How I would love to peer through the haze and find the heart of God, give His Son the birthday party He really wants.

I won't be sending my mom a list this year. In my heart is one thing that can't be bought, and only God can give.

In His heart is one thing that can't be bought, and only I can give.

Okay.

I feel better. I'm camped out here at my friend's place to keep her company during this tough time. I'll be here for a couple days. It seems like the emotional exhaustion I've been fighting has been subsiding, even since arriving here...... I think that this is just where I need to be right now.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the situation..... suffice to say that domestic violence has touched the life of a very close friend of mine, who I love very very much.... and my mother bear complex is flaring up in true passive aggressive form.

I can't help but question things I haven't battled with for quite some time..... things like trust. Things like safety and vulnerability withing relationships, especially a relationship as intense as marriage. Something I don't have to worry about quite yet (And I don't think Clarkie will lose her mind and beat me up) but even so. All sorts of things are flying through my mind while I try to figure out what I can do, how I can help.

She says it's enough that I'm here.

I think she's right.

If you know Clarkie, her latest post will have you in stitches.

Other than that I have little to say. I've been buried in my head, I can't escape. My only respite is "Most X-treme Elimination Challenge" and sweet sweet sleep.

Pray for my friend.

I don't even know where to leave myself right now. I'm so angry, but I'm so sad.

I hate domestic violence. Men that hit women need to have their balls fed to my dog.... while they're still attached. But they also need someone to help them with that terrifying root...... the one that makes them do it over and over and over...... on the one hand I'm seeing red, and on the other hand, I'm not.

I just don't know where to leave myself.

How do I know it'll never be me?

What about the little girl whose dad has just been arrested?

What about my friend, who has a lot of decisions to make?

What about that ass-faced twit, and how will life for the three of them return to normal? Can it?

Can I fall asleep now?

I guess we'll see.

Picture this.

A weeks worth of dishes in the kitchen. So much clothes on the floor, I have to clear a path to my bed. A million things I have to think about and take care of..... but no, I am nowhere to be found..... oh wait, I'm in the basement.

Pepsi, Eggnog, Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade, Pineapple juice. Brie on crackers, mustard pickles, Sushi, chocolate, potatoe chips, nachos with salsa and cheese. Movies, movies, Desert Storm on PS2, more movies, a little tv.

Pillows, blankets, empty cans, dog toys, wrappers, socks, Mr. Limpy sprawled on the floor next to the couch.....

Welcome to my weekend. Yes, I'm a pig. Yes, I'm sure I put on more weight this weekend than in the second half of my life. Yes, I have a list of things I should have done.

No, I do not care. Well, maybe a bit....... no, no I don't.

After five days of discipline, I firmly believe that my two days off have not served their purpose unless on sunday night I feel bloated, gaseous, and bored out of my mind. Then I know it's time to go back to work. Then I know I'm rested.

But I'm not always a pig. Behold, a picture from my cousin's wedding, in which I was a bridesmaid. Chifunda on the left, me on the right. My step-brother-in-law just emailed it to me.