I went to church in Steinbach this weekend. It wasn't hard to go to, like it was last time, but boy was it ever hard to sit through.

I read this previous post from november and just about killed myself laughing. It serves as a testament to my ability to delude myself. God must have had a good laugh at my expense when I wrote that but since He knows best, He waited to bring it up until the appropriate time.

It's been a couple days since I had anything to say about my struggle with church and steinbach all, but I'm still thinking about it. I'm sure I'll write about it some more when I make some progress.....

My buddy Musungu will be visiting me from Regina in two weeks or so. This is very exciting, since I have yet to host any of my friends from Bible School on my own turf.... I can't wait. It feels like there's a side of me that my friends can't possibly get to know until they come to my home. It's really important to me, so I'm really looking forward to this. It also serves as motivation to clean the house and my car, both of which are frighteningly disastrous.

Everything comes from something..... interesting how that works. It's why the Big Bang Theory will never hold water, and why our past will always hold answers for our future.

I am a wicked cook when I have a phone and a vietnamese take out menu in front of me.

I came across another bird today, she was grey and yellow and refused to leave my hand for a good half hour. In that time I introduced her to a little girl and most of my coworkers, who provided a box to house her in, in the event that she refused to fly away. The plan was to put her in the box and put the box out on the third floor balcony of an empty apartment. This would keep her safe from predators and enable her to fly away. I even knew of an empty apartment that sported an empty bird's nest above the light fixture.

I wanted her to fly away, as much as I was flattered and pleased by her company. So I lifted her to my face and explained to her that she was wild, that she needed to fly and be free. She blinked, ruffled her fingers, and then pooed on my finger. I turned back to two of my coworkers as we discussed possible living arrangements for our little friend, supposing she refused to take wing. Without warning, she leapt from my finger and flew effortlessly into a nearby tree.

A part of me was sad to see her go but ultimately I was relieved that she was gone. I'd have worried about her all night, unless I had decided to take her home. Even then I would have worried about her all night. I wouldn't have slept, knowing that wild animals in captivity have a tendency to die. A responsibility I did not want. After all, birds are meant to fly. Nothing else better personifies ideals of freedom and happiness.

I don't want to be one of 'those people'...... you know, the ones who turn everyday occurances into big deals..... but it's true that I have a tendency to read into just about everything..... or at least try and find something to learn.

So I began to wonder if maybe there was a reason that something so rare should occur twice in one week. I mean, even if God isn't attempting to teach me something, is there anything I can learn? Is there anything I can take away from this experience of holding that which is wild in my hand, looking it in the eye, and then watching it fly away?

Why yes, I believe there is.

I can realize how much I've changed. I used to hold so tight to the things that couldn't belong to me. In fact, I remember very clearly a day when I was really little, and I found a dazed bluebird, just like I did today. Except that time I cupped it in my hand so it couldn't escape. I imprisoned it in my fingers, and when someone made me let it go, I became so angry that I wouldn't forget about it all day.

I never really lost that...... that iron-fisted clingyness. I wanted so badly control and keep those things that brought me joy..... but today I experienced even greater joy when watching something I wanted to hold on to take flight and find freedom. It seems like a small thing, but over the past year, with the specific things I've been working through, I think it's just encouraging. To find myself able to do what I used to find so difficult.

It brings to mind the various people that I've been saying goodbye to over and over again this past while, and I'm noticing that it's getting easier...... maybe not easier...... there's still that tearing but it's different, because I can admit it hurts at the same time that I'm happy for them.

So that's all I got today. See ya tomorrow.

I used to be funny.

YAY!!!!!

I'm back!!! All fixed!! Big thank-you goes out to James and Jon for their generous and committed assistance. The Lord will mightily bless the works of your hands!!

For those of you I've been unable to contact, my domain registration expired at a very inconvenient time, but now that James has returned from vacation, the day has been saved. If you didn't know where to find me, I've been at littlekermode.blogspot.com whiling away the time. Strangely enough, my archives are working just fine over there. So, I've left them there, and I've started a new blog here where my old one used to be. New furniture, same old drivel.

So, my archives and the last week of typing can be found at my blogspot and everything else will be found here..... as soon as I fix all the links and stuff.....

Wow, it feels good to be back. Welcome. I've missed you all.