It's saturday morning, and all I see is the mess that needs to be cleaned up by the time my roomie comes home.... sometime tomorrow. Thank God, much more time alone like this and.... well.... I don't know. I keep watching the same movies over and over again, since the online rentals offered by my cable company are a rather poor selection.

Now that I'm earning enough money to buy both groceries AND entertainment aids, I've decided to atone for my past piracy by compiling a collection of Ani Difranco CD's. I'm sure I've burnt every song there is, and now I'm going to pay for them. I've started with what I think is a great album to start with "So much Shouting, So much Laughter" which is actually a two disc item and arrived on my doorstep just yesterday from amazon, to my sheer delight. It covers a wonderful variety of both old and new songs (though new is extremely subjective, seeing as how the album is two years old). All the songs are live, and performed by a six piece band which surpasses just about anything I've heard as far as arrangement and synergy are concerned. It has engaging arrangements of all my favorite songs. Of course, I had it all burned before I lost many of my cd's, but now I can listen guilt free. Ani has a new cd coming out on the 25th, and I can't wait.

I just read the fine print on the cd cover "unauthorized duplication, while sometimes necessary, is never as good as the real thing" which made me laugh out loud. It's so true.

I lost my guitar tuner, which makes it impossible for me to practice, which is infuriating. I think it's part of the reason that I've been finding my time alone so unendurable..... I'm finding that playing (however badly) is a wonderful outlet for those nameless emotions that I can't seem to write about lately. I want so badly to write lately, but the pen is not nearly so willing as the spirit. Now that I've been paid, I will go out and buy another tuner, whereupon the old one will magically reappear. Whatever it takes....

In other news, I think that I'm experiencing what is known as a "crush" and if this has ever happened to me before, it was entirely forgettable. I find it rather aggravating but I'll just take comfort in the knowledge that yes, I am still straight, and then focus on something else.....

As I try to re-awaken my love for writing, I've been researching some creative writing exercises. I came across one that I found interesting "keep a journal of a fictional character" so I started thinking it might be fun to do a blog in that direction. Kind of create an altar ego and explore the world through someone else's eyes. Is that something you guys would read? I don't really know if it would be readable, but I'm interested in trying. As I was reading different sites about finding creativity, I noticed a lot of people talking about "creating your own reality" and forming your own experience. It reminded me of when I was young, and I so seldom stepped into reality.... I was always lost in some daydream, and in my mind people were pleasantly surprising and insightful and courageous, and life was exciting and full of promise. It feels like all these years of adult survival have stripped my ability to see the beauty in day to day life.

As though I've been robbed of a precious gift.

Rafiki was talking to me about the biblical "thief" who was made to pay back ten-fold everything that he had stolen. That resonates with me. From the moment we are born, we are bombarded by the one who comes only to steal kill and destroy, and I would like this to be a year when I stand up and demand retribution.... the full tenfold. Already it's beginning. Last night I played a $500 djembe at house church which my church bought, and it felt like freedom.

Well, I've got a busy afternoon ahead of me, so I must skidaddle. Go buy "So much Shouting, So much Laughter" and you will be pleased with what you hear, regardless of your musical tastes.

Fare thee well.

making some changes. finally adding some links.... got around to putting my email up... I hadn't realized that I'd forgotten that little detail... anyways if things go missing or seem ill placed, remember that it's a transitory state.

I've got nothing for you kids tonight. I'm tired. I can't find my guitar tuner.

The new years post isn't coming together, but it's just as well. Things like new year's resolutions and past reflections aspiring to betterness..... if those things only cross our minds once a year, what a sorry state of affairs we have found ourselves in. Every day is the first day of another year.... every day is a day for reflection and improvement. That's my opinion. Though I'm sticking to it, I do intend to set some vague and easily attained goals for the future. This way, I am always a success.

I've been watching movies lately, and not just stupid movies. Lately I've been feeling like I really want to understand this phase of my life, and be prepared for my future, whatever that may be. I've been wanting to write, and haven't had anything to write about. So I've been watching movies, thoughtful, witty, engaging movies, hoping they'd get me thinking on a new thread. Maybe you'd like them.

"Saved" starring Mandy Moore, Jena Malone, Macauley Culkin, Mary-Louise Parker. A satire on Christian culture which culminates in a strong message of love and acceptance. This movie makes me happy. It whips out every cliche I've ever heard and turns my hurt into humor. An independent movie written by a man who grew up a southern baptist, it places controversies like teen pregnancy, homosexuality, adultery, divorce, tolerance and hypocrisy all on the table, then gives no answers, but lots to think about. Memorable quote, "I just crashed my van into Jesus!!" I love this movie. I bought it.

"The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys" starring Kieran Culkin, Emile Hirsch, Jena Malone. A coming of age festival flick about two teenage boys getting into trouble and growing apart. Sad but beautiful, this film feels like the day you learned that the world could be a hurtful place. It's full of vulnerable characters, beautiful scenery, excellent cinematography, and awesome cartoon sequences. Brilliant and sensitive. Beware of adolescent humour, language, and teenagers kissing. Memorable quote, "Wow. That's really wierd." I bought it.

"Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" starring Lindsay Lohan. Okay, this one's pretty stupid. Two dimensional characters, a plotline full of holes, and poor writing. I only bought this one because of Lindsay Lohan, who appeals to my own repressed drama queen. At least there's some cool outfits, a few winning lines, and some apparent character growth. HOWEVER the reason I bring this movie up is because I find it motivating in it's encouragement to pursue the things you're passionate about. I usually watch the who thing thinking "this movie is so stupid" but when it's over I really want to get back to chasing my dreams.... the ones that I so easily forget about. Memorable quote, "First your parents tell you to have hopes and dreams. Then they move you to New Jersey. It makes no sense." Did I mention it already?? I bought it.

Amongst the movies I will never forget and have really been wanting to watch (translate: buy) are the new Peter Pan and The Spitfire Grill. Those would be valued additions to what I hope will some day be a well rounded DVD collection. They're both really good movies, I've seen them many times. Peter Pan comes closer to the original story than Disney will ever dare to go. It's beautiful to look at, magical and colorful but with distinctly dark undertones. The Spitfire Grill is such a wonderful movie that when I was with ISCF we used it at youth conference to communicate the message of redemption in a meaningful way. It's a brilliant, brilliant movie, and it will rip your heart out.

If you have any movie recommendations you think I'd like, please, don't hesitate. I'm trying to take in as much as possible right now. I feel like it's somehow necessary. I'm not sure if I can communicate why.

Everything in movies is scripted. People say the things that in real life they'd only think. People have the courage to say and do things that they'd normally be afraid to do. They do the things you wish they would, they show up right when you were hoping for company. Movies are make believe but make believe is an expression of desire, right? Movies aren't only about entertainment, they're about vicarious experience. Not just movies, but books and shows too. So what am I trying to vicariously experience? Or in terms of wanting to write, what would I like to help others experience. I guess I'm looking for ideas, I'm trying to reach a sufficiently emotional state to get my creative juices flowing.

I'm not sure if any of my verbal regurgitation is valid, but that's what I feel right now, and I feel that it's true. There are reasons I love movies, and books, and to lose myself in fantasy when I should be working. I've been that way since I was little, absorbed in Astroboy.

Another part of me really wants to decide on a direction for my future. I'm not just looking for ideas to write about, I'm looking for ideas for life. I'm getting old, I guess (bahahahahaha) and I want to know where this train is going.

That's a lot of stuff I just wrote. I feel so incoherent. I'm going now.