Friday, January 06, 2006

I have no skin today. I'm raw and exposed, my nerves reach out like trees to the sun. My ears are gaping holes through which sounds rush loud and unfiltered to scratch at my brain and ricochet through my head.

I don't know why. I did the usual, shower, dress, comb hair, check bag for essentials. Still I left with the feeling that I had forgotten something. I felt naked.

So here I am, naked in a room full of people. No-one has commented on the fact that my ligaments are showing, arteries and fat deposits. No-one feels me cringe as I'm bombarded by their booming voices. I'm under assault and I don't know it, and no-one is attacking me.

I have no skin today, but when did I lose it? In the shower, in the car? Was it robbed from me as I walked the dark street? Did I take it off and hang it with my coat on the hook beside the door? Now it's lost and I don't know where to find it, or how to replace it, or how it came off in the first place.

But maybe I don't need my skin. Maybe this is my answer to prayer, my chance to sense what I was too thick-skinned to sense. Maybe I don't want my skin. Maybe the challenge is to keep the skin off.

Maybe this is the goal, or part of the process in this journey of learning to hear God's voice. After all, what is skin but a protective barrier between raw nerves and sensory overload? What are ears but earthly filters for vibrations in the air?

Maybe the idea is to grow new skin, like a snake, to replace the old calloused human shield with a fresh, vibrant porous boundary, old deadened sensors with sharp precise receptors of that which cannot be heard or felt.

Maybe this is about feeling atmosphere and struggle and joy and hearing heart-cries and hands reaching out and God smiling.

I have no skin today and God knows why. He gives and He takes away, or so they say. What will He do today?

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Apparently I'm coming down with something, so I spent most of the day at home today. I'm testing out a new drug, called Cold-FX, so I'll let you know how that goes. Right now I'm just dealing with a headache.

The good news is that I spoke with my landlord who is so pleased with me and my roommate that he said I'm free to paint the house in whatever manner I deem beautiful. Also, I am authorized to replace light switches and other things of the like, the cost of these things will be reimbursed to me. So, I'm very pleased. I will shortly be recaulking the bathroom and inviting my neighbor to come over an offer ideas on the living room.

My roommate is engaged and might be getting married as soon as this summer, so it was with great joy that I crunched the numbers and discovered that I can in fact afford to live alone. This doesn't mean that I won't get a roommate, but it does mean that I don't have to, and I don't have to rush into it.

My new year's aspirations as of yet are not set in stone. I plan to put together a plan of sorts. For now, I intend to eat less junkfood, make use of my exercise ball while watching tv, watch less tv, drink more water, and spend time each day writing, at least five minutes. I'm also trying to implement an immediate action policy. For example, hang up my jacket immediately after taking it off. Get a hammer the moment I notice a nail sticking out of the wood casing. If I'm annoyed by all the dishes on the coffee table, move the dishes to the kitchen.

This all seems very basic and is in fact the way I was raised, but I have fallen into some bad habits, and I'm trying to take baby steps out of them. So there. It would be a lot easier if I wasn't dealing with this constant headache. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.

Now I have to go and do the things I just said I was gonna do.
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