Saturday, September 06, 2003

It would appear at this moment in time that blogspot sites are down. That's too bad.... I want to read them.

Looking back at last night, I think, how odd. I was chatting with this guy in saskatoon, and then we decided to move off MSN and onto the phone..... now what would possess me to do that? True, we used to chat all the time. But why would I give him my number? Why would I lay on the couch at 2 am watching a muted tv while talking with a faceless voice who I only know through pixels and words?

I find it fascinating, getting to know the people behind the words, too fascinating to pass up. My life has become an unofficial study of human behaviour and so I would be perfectly happy to just listen to these people talk..... hear the figures of speech they use and the inflection of their voice. But then moving to the phone is always very intimidating for me, since I have no confidence in my ability to make conversation (chattiness comes and goes in unpredictable waves) and despise the sound of my voice (something I simply have to get over).

I am so fascinated by human behaviour in general that I sometimes have to work very hard at not coming across as somewhat..... scary. I tend to watch with a certain element of intensity and I tend not to say much. I think this comes from when I was too afraid of humans to actually invest myself in relationships, but I still wanted to know them.... I wanted safe relationships, I suppose, the benefits of having close friends without the danger of being let down. So I tried desperately to see straight into people's inner workings, the things you can't normally see without sitting down for coffee with someone and picking their brain. Of course, this makes people uncomfortable, and it's not really possible.

I learned a few things during that period. For instance, I have the ability to disappear. Silence can be my ally, and I can wear black clothing, stand against a white wall, and still not be seen. You see and hear things from people when they don't notice your presence. Nothing profound really, just a less guarded version of the person they always are. A little less polished, a little less collected. This is the person I long to get to know, no matter what the circumstance. I also learned how to listen. I obtained the ability to not talk, whether I agreed, disagreed, had something to add, I merely closed my mouth and continued to listen. Partly due to my insecurity, but an invaluable skill nonetheless.

Now I'm faced with the challenge of getting to know people online. Some people make this easier than others.... but it's no less frustrating, because more so than in person, you only reveal that which you want me to see. So aside from my ability to read between the lines, I'm highly restricted. I don't think I'd find this quite so frustrating if I didn't feel as though I'd reached a point in my blogging..... I used to seek something by baring my soul here..... and I will continue to do so..... but it's no longer enough. All of a sudden I want to know the people who come here.


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