Saturday, June 05, 2004

The thing about housesitting (which is what I'm up to this weekend) is that you're alone in someone else's house. I always enjoy housesitting, but like I've said a million times before, I could never live alone. This whole house is empty, aside from the dogs, who can't be persuaded to come inside on account of how they enjoy one another's company so much, they must run around in the grass together. They could play inside together, except that the dog who lives here isn't allowed downstairs, where I am spending most of my time (tv, computer) while Abu must stay where I can keep an eye on her, since we're still working on house training.

It's good to see the two of them getting along so well. There have been no aggressive incidents, and they like playing tug of war with abu's chicken toy. You don't see a couple of dogs playing tug of war with toys very often, at least I haven't seen it since I was very young, and Kelly and Belle were still alive, and they would always grapple over Kelly's frisbee.

Those two dogs taught me everything I know of importance, or at least all that foundational stuff that you're suppposed to learn as a kid. Things like sharing and looking both ways before you cross the street, looking out for others, finishing what you started, taking pride in what you do well, and they always led me home when I got lost in the woods. Good dogs. Your classic old school stereotypical German Shepherds. Kelly used to pull me by the diaper when I got too close to staircases. I was born with her watching over me, wearing that silly cowboy hat and riding with my dad on the motorcycle.

I remember..... my mom was homeless for a while when she had Kelly, and me too. There was a short time when she couldn't keep Kelly with her because a landlord said she couldn't have dogs. Yet there was Kelly the day I came home from the hospital, and she kept a close eye until I was 11 years old. That dog is so woven into my childhood memories that I can seldom separate the two. Belle came along when I was six. She was my dog, in theory at least. She accompanied me everywhere until she died in my arms when I was 17.

This morning I woke up and sat on the floor with Abu as she snuggled up to my side while chewing on her pink blankie. I feel so overwhelmed. I know she's only a dog, but she's also my responsibility. I took on this responsibility thinking I could handle it, and now the future is questionable for both of us. Still I have to cling to God's gifts and His promises. If I can't hold on to those, then what is there on this earth that is worth all the work we do?

I ran a search and contacted someone who's looking for a renter. She said she'd be happy to have us for the summer, provided we're out by the time students are looking for places, since she herself is a student and needs the house full for the school year. So I'll contact her again on monday while I continue to investigate options. I SO don't want to move again, but the idea of sending Abu away just kills me. Probably just for selfish reasons. I've grown accustomed to her presence in the room. How could I sleep without her nearby, who would I greet in the morning? Whose piss would I clean up? hehehehehe...... hmmmm......

So I guess we'll see. I feel better now than when I wrote that last post. Calmer. We'll be okay. God never relinquishes control. If He cares so much about sparrows and grass, then He must have some concern for a backwoods punk and a north end scrub. Right? Right. There's nothing I can do right now. So I might as well relax and enjoy the time I have to myself, though the silence here sounds so unnatural.

Friday, June 04, 2004

The great thing about God is that when He teaches you something, He usually tries to follow it up with an opportunity to exercise your newfound knowledge.

The thing that SUCKS is that these object lessons are MY LIFE not just some textbook scenario.

So along comes the landlord, spots me and the dog chatting with bonnie in the yard, and lets her know (just in case)that if he finds she's been keeping a dog, she's out.

So somebody's gotta move. An arrangement has to be reached. An impossible solution has to avail itself, and fast.

So, did You really give me a puppy for my birthday, and do You take back the gifts you give? And are you still as interested in my life as you were yesterday, when you provided a free TV to replace the one that died, as I was on my way to go spend money on a new one? Are you still concerned about the things that I need, the way you were when you led my fingers to my dad's ring?

All indications say yes. So I'm trying to breathe deeply, trying not to imagine a life without Abu, trying not to panic and cry and get angry. Trying to trust the way you've been teaching me. Trying to believe in your consistency and your provision and your love. You'll have to forgive me if I'm scared and upset and struggling within myself. This is hard for me.

Abu has been a comfort to me, she's been exactly what I needed to get through this time. Please don't take her away from me.....

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Okay, so when I was a little punk..... probably around 7 or 9, me and my sister had to go for visitations with my dad every other weekend. On one of these trips, my dad took us to the Forks, which is one of the most unique and noteworthy locations in winnipeg, where lots of merchants of unique stuff have booths in a very old fashioned market type environment, and since it's on the river, it's got a cool amphitheatre, park, docks, ferry rides, restaurants, cafes..... it's a cool spot.

We went shopping, and bought some stuff from a vendor of sterling silver jewelry. My dad bought me some silver and turquoise unicorn earrings, something for Chifunda that I can't remember, and for himself, a ring with a turquoise stone, which he wore on his pinky finger ever since.

That is, until a couple years ago, when he pulled it off his finger, and gave it to me. After years of working with engines and gun parts, the ring had been worn down until the grooves that came away from the stone had almost disappeared. It was a little bent, and the stone wasn't even the original. The original had broken and fallen out, so my dad had carved a replacement and reset it.

He gave it to me at a time when our relationship was being restored, when we were really close, and I wore the ring proudly because it was symbolic to me of our reconciliation. Not only that, but it was a cool ring, it suited me, and I wore it on my index finger. It was my only piece of jewelry at the time.

Sometime during this past winter, I took it off to do some cleaning at work, and haven't seen it since. I searched high and low. I searched my car repeatedly. I searched our "office" at work, I searched my friend's apartment, my bedroom, my friends' cars. I prayed and begged and pleaded and searched again..... and eventually gave up. Every time I looked at that naked index finger I was filled with sorrow.... but alas..... it's only a ring. Only a round piece of metal, and whether I happen to be wearing it doesn't really have anything to do with anything.

So I go to Regina and say "I lost that ring" and Chimwemwe mourns with me and then tells me this ridiculous miraculous story of how she prayed that she could find a lost watch that should have been gone forever, but turned up buckled around some random stair railing..... and says "did you ask God to help you find it" and I say "of course I did." but in my mind I'm thinking "God doesn't do stuff like that for me."

But I'm a retard, and God's showing me in little ways how I've limited His work in my life through my attitudes and misconceptions. He wants to be let out of this box.

I understood that the moment I reached under my car seat in search of some slurpee change, and pulled out my dad's ring!!

HOOOOOOOOOOO-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I said, and quickly slipped it on my finger before any evil could befall it. What impeccable timing. What a precious display of affection. How many times had I cleaned the inside of that car?? How many times had my fingers searched for all sorts of things in those impossible nooks and crannies underneath those bucket seats?

But this time there was the ring..... the one ring..... the precious.....

Chimwemwe said something funny on msn today (I miss her so much) she said "War against God. You'll win." Possibly the worst advice I've ever heard but obviously it wasn't intended as such.

Today I asked the two-year-old I live with when she was acting silly if she was having an epileptic seizure, to which she responded, "yes."

it was funny. wish you were there, cuz you would have laughed.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

There were two things that hit me from the sunday service. The first was when someone said that God was longing for eye contact with humans. The second had to do with the past..... it doesn't all need to be sorted and compartmentalized and understood..... sometimes you can just throw it away and let the garbage truck take it away.

My past doesn't need to taint my future. The unanswerable questions can remain unanswerable, and I can assume that God knew what He was doing even when I didn't, so I can start fresh.

It's easier said than done, but I've grown tired of asking God for answers that I'll probably never find on this earth. I think I'm ready to call the past history and get started on today.

I've been working through the book of John..... I'm following Jesus to the cross. I've been discovering subtleties and humanity in what has previously been dry narrative.

I'm almost done with this tourist visa nonsense, and then I'll be able to relax a little while.....Maybe on the weekend I'll make a resume and start posting it on some jobsearch sites. It's a little early to start looking for a job in fall, but I would feel better about my life if I was doing something in preparation. Maybe I'll get lucky and something will turn up.

Well now we need to go to sleep, Abu and I. Gosh, is she ever cute. and big..... bigger every morning.

Apparently this rotty on TV can smell "ghosts." Interesting....

Monday, May 31, 2004

This weekend I'm gonna be housesitting for some friends, so Abu will have a friend to play with all weekend long. I'm looking forward to it. It'll be nice to have a place to myself for a couple days.

For now I have clear up a couple questions about my visa application. I'll be relieved to have that business sent off and out of my hair so I can worry about other stuff.

Tomorrow I'll say what I remembered today about yesterday.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Has anyone else tuned into this show "Superstar USA?" It is a testament to the utter evil and cruelty of the entertainment industry and their viewing public.

It's run pretty much the same as American Idol, except that their looking for the worst singer, instead of the best. The catch is that the actual contestants think they're being chosen on the basis of their exceptional talent. So what you have is a bunch of ugly people who are terrible at singing, and the judges tell them how good they are, and dress them up like rock stars and get them to sing song after torturous song.

How will these poor putzes feel when they realize they've been taken, mocked, and marketed?

It makes me kind of angry that this kind of humiliation is considered entertainment. I think I won't be watching it again.

I went to church today, and I think something caught my attention, but seriously.... there were so many words.... how can people talk so much? Rumour has it I used to make it through entire weekend long conferences without feeling like my brain had just been sucked out of my skull. Mostly I wanted to get back to reading John 15.... but you can't just pull your bible out and read it while you're in church, can you?? Oh wait.....

Yesterday marked Abu's first accident free day. She countered with two accidents today, but it's been raining for like 3 days straight, so I understand that she's sick of being inside and it does a number on every aspect of her behaviour when she can't go out and play with the gang at the park.... Fintain and Captain and Teddy, Roxy and Yogi and Keebukoo. She has more friends than I do.

This weekend has gone by way too fast, and I'm feeling a bit of pressure as far as getting things done. Ah well, make a list, start at the top. If this rain keeps up, I'll be forced to chainsaw massacre someone.

Pray it's not you.
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