I went to housegroup on thursday. I hadn't been there in a very long time, since I moved with Abu. Not because I didn't want to go.... sometimes I didn't want to go, but mostly because I was too exhausted to spend more time out of the house.
Lately though, I've been catching up. I've been sleeping better, and I don't feel so guilty going out at night when I know that Abu hasn't spent the whole day locked in a basement. I've been doing all my work at once, so my evening isn't broken up by another shift.
Sitting there in housegroup, my mind kept going back to the first time I ever went. The way I felt, the things I thought.... and I started to really notice a really distinct difference. I couldn't tell you what exactly, except that these two years I've changed, grown.
A phrase from a song was sticking in my mind. "I am whole in You" and it reminded me of something I read in this book, I can't remember the author, but it's called "The Day I Was Crucified." It talks about how death and sin and the world system died the day Jesus was crucified. We still live in all these things, but as far as God is concerned, because He can see a bigger picture, those are all dead. Maybe we'd live different if we could see that. Maybe those things wouldn't have such a hold of us.
But it's true, and someone please tell me where I can find the verse about it, that we were made whole through Christ's death. I'm already whole because He died in order to make me that way. Even though I feel tired and battered and dirty, disillusioned and frustrated, like I'm falling short and I can't concentrate.... even though I feel all those things, in fact I am completely whole. I am submitting to phantom shackles, I've been given my freedom but I don't go anywhere.
These things I know, I learned them in Bible school, and though they don't permeate me like they should, I have been reflecting on them, amongst other things. Tell me what you think.
Night.
Lately though, I've been catching up. I've been sleeping better, and I don't feel so guilty going out at night when I know that Abu hasn't spent the whole day locked in a basement. I've been doing all my work at once, so my evening isn't broken up by another shift.
Sitting there in housegroup, my mind kept going back to the first time I ever went. The way I felt, the things I thought.... and I started to really notice a really distinct difference. I couldn't tell you what exactly, except that these two years I've changed, grown.
A phrase from a song was sticking in my mind. "I am whole in You" and it reminded me of something I read in this book, I can't remember the author, but it's called "The Day I Was Crucified." It talks about how death and sin and the world system died the day Jesus was crucified. We still live in all these things, but as far as God is concerned, because He can see a bigger picture, those are all dead. Maybe we'd live different if we could see that. Maybe those things wouldn't have such a hold of us.
But it's true, and someone please tell me where I can find the verse about it, that we were made whole through Christ's death. I'm already whole because He died in order to make me that way. Even though I feel tired and battered and dirty, disillusioned and frustrated, like I'm falling short and I can't concentrate.... even though I feel all those things, in fact I am completely whole. I am submitting to phantom shackles, I've been given my freedom but I don't go anywhere.
These things I know, I learned them in Bible school, and though they don't permeate me like they should, I have been reflecting on them, amongst other things. Tell me what you think.
Night.
