In my dream I was walking down a familiar street in Ndola Zambia, except that Rafiki was with me.

This was the night after Rafiki called me to say that she'd come home from Liberia, and wanted me to return with her in July.

I've had little to say because I've been thinking about little else.

Many trips and opportunities have jumped up over the laste two years, and I've more or less ignored each one of them. They always seemed out of reach, impossible, untimely. But this time I think I may do everything in my power to accompany Rafiki to the children's home in Liberia.

I think that it's the right time. I could be wrong.....

I guess we'll see. It's something to pray about, anyway.

Tonight was a good time.

Went over to my buddies to watch Survivor with her and her daughter, and another friend. Then we decorated the christmas tree and ate oranges.

Her daughter is 15 months, and since I stayed with them for those few days last week, her and I are tight. I taught her how to growl like a bear..... My, how joy fills my heart when she attacks me with her snuggly hugs.

A wholesome evening.

But what's with Survivor? I'm not sure I've ever seen a season go so horribly wrong. It just keeps getting worse, and all because those catty females can't just figure out what they want. It's so frustrating..... why can't they just be strategic for once? Didn't any of them watch the previous seasons? Are they aware that they're in a game?

Perhaps the unknown species of fish are making them delirious.

Ok..... Lord of the Rings..... made me want to lay down and die...... and now I'm almost done.... it would seem we're just wrapping things up now.... Mikes Hard Lemonade is putting me to sleep..... goodnight.

Tonight in our creative journalling class we were writing about memories, and at one point we were asked to look back at a definitive childhood memory that had a negative effect..... and then write a bit about it. This exercise taught me two things about myself.

The first thing was that I must have mastered the skill of disassociation at a very young age, because looking back at all those memories that should have been painful, I didn't feel a thing.

Except for that one memory that has never left me, and that is the memory that taught me a second thing about myself. I don't think I can explain it without describing the memory (which I wasn't sure I wanted to do here) but maybe I will anyways, lest I forget my goal of transparency.

"I'm sitting on the couch and my parents are fighting. This is nothing unusual, as it happens all the time, and as usual I have no idea what their issue is or why they're swearing so much or when they'll quiet down so I can hear the TV, but I remember turning around to look over the back of the couch at them as the fight escalated. My dad grabbed for what was nearest, a breadknife, and threw it at my mom, who ducked behind the staircase. The knife was followed by a white 5 gallon pail, neither of which made contact. I jumped up and ran between them to my room, where I threw myself on my bed, covered my head and screamed, "Leave my mom alone" and then proceeded to cry. Soon after my mom came in to comfort me and my dad stormed off."

There are a lot of things I can take away from this memory, but I don't want to get into it too much, since I'm so very ready for bed, but here's the breakdown.

Mom and dad are fighting. I spazzed, they stopped. Who's to say I can't always make them stop? Who's to say I can't always fix the relationships of the people I love?

I continued to try. I found sneaky underhanded ways to make people stop fighting. One evening as two of my friends were fighting at the playground, I hid in a hedge for well over an hour, certain that when they realized I was missing, they would forget their fight and look for me. It worked according to plan, and those friends still have no idea what I was really up to that evening..... but I got in big trouble. I had grown-ups yelling at me from every direction and my friends weren't impressed with me either..... but they were friends. They were upset with me but they weren't fighting anymore, so I bore the scorn.

As long as it continued to work, I continued to plot and scheme a million different ways to avert confrontation. Perhaps if it hadn't worked that first time, it wouldn't have become so ingrained in me. Perhaps if it hadn't worked the second time I wouldn't have taken it on as my responsibility.

But it did work. And now I'm a grown up and it's still not my responsibility.

And now I'm too tired to even consider figuring out what I'm trying to get at. So I'm just gonna go to bed.

"Yeah. Full custody. That's exactly what I-- YOU'RE AN IDIOT" Simpson quote of the week.

I spent the day alternately watching Most X-treme Elimination Challenge (it was on for 4 hours) and reading The Lord of the Rings ("No, he can't be dead!!! Oh he's not. Phew!") What could be better? I mean, have you ever SEEN MXC? If you're a girl, you probably didn't think it was funny. If you're a guy, you were probably choking on your cheesy poofs.

First you're just shocked. Then you try to figure out what it all means. It's like beer.... you have to develop a taste for it, and once you do, it's gone too soon and you can't get enough. Which is why I don't drink beer.... much. MXC however does not exert an unhealthy codependent force on the relationships I care about..... so I fill my life with the perfect comedy/reality show and read classic literature during the commercials. It's a healthy balance, I think.

I'd get started on the genius of "Malcolm in the Middle" but I'd rather just let you know (since you asked) that something is definitely bothering me today, and as you probably didn't guess, I have been making an admirable effort to avoid thinking about it. This is why, instead of describing to you the angst ridden recesses of my over-analytical mind (to which you are accustomed) I am watching TV, reading, eating, and updating my blog all at the same time.

You see, due to my remarkable multitasking ability, just watching tv, or reading, or updating my blog, or making some dinner, wouldn't be enough to distract me from approaching the itch in my subconscious. I have to do them all at once, and even as I do, I'm keenly aware of the fact that I'm only doing the things that I'm doing in a last ditch effort to keep my weekend purely...... shallow.

I'll think about it tomorrow. It's always easier to see what's bothering you on a monday morning.

Ari Goes Down was funny last night. Go check it out.

I'd just like to sleep all day, but as it turns out, I'm on call this weekend, and I got a pager call about 9-ish this morning regarding a set of keys that had been dropped down an elevator shaft over at the building.

Well now, how should I handle this?

Step One: call the stupid tenant who's not bright enough to have an extra set of keys hanging in his kitchen and tell him he'll have to wait till monday? Nnnnnnnnot exactly. Call him and listen to him try to intimidate me with things like NEED BY 4:30 and BREAK INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT WITH A CHAINSAW. If he has to, he says, but he'd rather not.

Okay, so he needs his keys. I call the elevator maintenance service where I'm told that it will cost in excess of $100 to make an extra call on a sunday to fish some keys out of an elevator. Fine. I call the tenant. He'll pay the $100, if he has to, but not a penny more. No, he can't see the keys. No, he can't put a magnet on a broomstick. Yes, his mother lives in the same building, but no, he has not given her any spare keys. 20 minutes listening this ass talk, until finally I interrupt him "Okay, bottom line, do you want me to call the guys or not? There's nothing that I can do." yeah he says, call them, but not a penny over $100.

Great. I call the elevator guys. It will definitely cost closer to $200 since they charge double time, an hour flat rate from the get-go, plus travel time, and since it's not part of the contract with our company, the tenant will definitely be responsible for all of it.

Grrrrrr........GRRRRRRRR....... Goodmorning, how was your sleep, great! had any coffee, no? why not call a difficult tenant just for kicks and help him get his keys which he NEEDS by 4:30. Better yet, why not drive in yourself, risk your life by crawling into the elevator shaft yourself? It's sunday morning. You were going to drop by church?? Not anymore.

Between frustrated tenants, expensive technicians, one coworker, my boss, a million phone calls......... I'd have to say I started this morning on the wrong foot. I've made some tea. Now I'm waiting for the phone call that will tell me it's taken care of and I can do the paperwork and get on with my morning. Hopefully that will leave me with enough time to catch the individual at church that I simply must speak with.

Mmmmmm..... tea. Forget it. I'm not leaving the house.