Hiding in the storage room at work, I leaned forward in the chair with my face in my hands and wept, "I just need help."

Help has been coming, but not like I would expect. Not like I would hope. Not like an airlift or forgiven debt or a miraculous sign. No, help comes like little windows of opportunity, little pinpricks of light guiding me through a labyrinth of despairing tunnels.

A tape from Mike Bickle keeps ringing in my ears, one where the concept is repeatedly pounded into my head "Keep first things first, and second things second." As in, the most important thing, or the first commandment, if you're into rules, is to love God with all your heart. This is to be my first concern. Everything else is to be second. Other things are important, but not as important as loving God. Things like morals and ethics and theology, basic human survival..... these are all important, but they are second.

I've allowed myself to be overtaken by things that should be second. It should come as no surprise to me that God would not allow me to succeed without Him. I should not be shocked to find myself at the bottom of this hole, shovel in hand.

Nothing in my life can be right unless my life is about God. Everything will be empty and meaningless. Other stuff, like money, blogging, work...... sorting through my repulsion to religion and structure, Africa, these things are all part of my life.... but they need to be second.

First things first, second things second. I'll repeat it like a mantra until I can fix my eyes on God and leave my fears and burdens and dreams in His capable hands. Is there any other way? Will anything else satisfy?

Frankly, I don't know if I can trust God. Over the last year I've felt so let down so many ways that when I pray, I do so with the makings of a Plan B swimming around in my head. Can I learn to trust God? Is He trustworthy? These are questions that I can't answer, not while my life is ruled by the things that ought to be second.

So, I just need help. There. I said it.