My stepmom had something she had forgotten to give me, so today I met up with her where she was visiting at her sister's house.
I knew the day I got home that I was affected by her fight with my dad on boxing day, but I didn't realize how much until today.
It doesn't matter how old you are, you shouldn't have to choose between loyalties when it comes to your parents. So when she talks him down I feel this instant bristling....
Yes, I know he can be an ass. Yes, I understand that he's selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, he's lazy too.
Newsflash: I knew these things about him long before you met him. And you knew these things about him before you married him. So don't complain to me about how you got yourself into a situation that you can't appreciate. I never got to choose my dad, but you chose him. So don't tell me what a bad guy he is as though I can offer any explanation. I love my dad despite his shortcomings.
And yes I know he pushes your buttons and makes you cry, but don't you think you hurt him too? How dare you apologize to me over and over again for being a basket case when I know perfectly well that you have no intention of getting better. I'm his daughter. Not some grownup you can complain to. Not your therapist. Not your sister. Not your friend.
This is about crossing boundaries. Boundaries ensure safety. I'd rather trust the people I love not to cross them than have to resort to the untouchable sort of security that I used to subscribe to. I want to be able to trust my family.
I think maybe this is the underlying aggravation of this year's holiday season, is time after time trying to push them all back over the line and say "This is my space. This is as far as you can go." and they want me to feel guilty about it. My boundaries are different than theirs so now there must be something wrong with me. I obviously don't have my priorities in order. Either that or somewhere along the way I acquired some self respect. Heaven forbid!
I finally told my mom on Saturday, after she laid another guilt trip on me about going back to steinbach to stay another night to spend time with my stepsister (who's visiting from BC), "I know what my boundaries are and I dare not cross them. I need some time out, and that's what I'll give myself."
Something I'm learning about my family. They won't take tact for an answer. They won't shut up and leave me alone until I raise my voice.
Which is too bad, since we all know how much I love yelling.
I knew the day I got home that I was affected by her fight with my dad on boxing day, but I didn't realize how much until today.
It doesn't matter how old you are, you shouldn't have to choose between loyalties when it comes to your parents. So when she talks him down I feel this instant bristling....
Yes, I know he can be an ass. Yes, I understand that he's selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, he's lazy too.
Newsflash: I knew these things about him long before you met him. And you knew these things about him before you married him. So don't complain to me about how you got yourself into a situation that you can't appreciate. I never got to choose my dad, but you chose him. So don't tell me what a bad guy he is as though I can offer any explanation. I love my dad despite his shortcomings.
And yes I know he pushes your buttons and makes you cry, but don't you think you hurt him too? How dare you apologize to me over and over again for being a basket case when I know perfectly well that you have no intention of getting better. I'm his daughter. Not some grownup you can complain to. Not your therapist. Not your sister. Not your friend.
This is about crossing boundaries. Boundaries ensure safety. I'd rather trust the people I love not to cross them than have to resort to the untouchable sort of security that I used to subscribe to. I want to be able to trust my family.
I think maybe this is the underlying aggravation of this year's holiday season, is time after time trying to push them all back over the line and say "This is my space. This is as far as you can go." and they want me to feel guilty about it. My boundaries are different than theirs so now there must be something wrong with me. I obviously don't have my priorities in order. Either that or somewhere along the way I acquired some self respect. Heaven forbid!
I finally told my mom on Saturday, after she laid another guilt trip on me about going back to steinbach to stay another night to spend time with my stepsister (who's visiting from BC), "I know what my boundaries are and I dare not cross them. I need some time out, and that's what I'll give myself."
Something I'm learning about my family. They won't take tact for an answer. They won't shut up and leave me alone until I raise my voice.
Which is too bad, since we all know how much I love yelling.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home