Today has been one of those emotionally demanding days. I continue to put out my feelers and ask around about ideas as far as where I could work or live in the event that I moved here. I continue to touch base with people I haven't seen in at least a year, and have missed. With each of these meetings, the desire grows stronger to make a home here. There seem to be only good reasons, but the big move scares me. Quitting my job (which I love) scares me, and trying to make ends meet and make a home with virtually zero money saved up, well that scares me too. I've only just gotten on top of things, and the idea of being in the red again is not comforting.
That said, the message spoken at the vineyard this morning (that would be the Regina Vineyard) was one of intense conviction.... or maybe not so much conviction.... well it provoked alot of introspection and inspired hope.
It was about beliefs versus actions. The basic premise was that our actions reflect our beliefs. If our actions appear to contradict our beliefs, then it's likely that the inconsistent belief is not truly a solid belief, but head knowledge that has yet to reach the heart. Those things that we truly believe, those will dictate the way we live our lives.
Which brings me to my chronic distrust of God's provision in my life. Why am I so confident that God will hold out on telling me where He wants me until I've already quit my job and made a move? Why do I fully expect Him to wait until I'm in Regina having trouble finding a job to say "Oh yeah, and I wanted you to stay in Winnipeg"
God's not like that. He's not cruel and impractical, and He's not silent, yet after all these years of knowing God and worshipping Him and questioning Him and seeing Him prove Himself faithful, still I conduct myself as though He was not. As though my life was nothing more than an afterthought to Him. Like "oh yeah, Little Bear..... ooops too late, she starved. Oh well, on to someone else..." How ridiculus is that? It doesn't line up, it contradicts 23 years of head knowledge that somehow has never managed to penetrate my heart.
People say "God takes care of the sparrows, so He'll look after you" and yet every day I see dead birds on the ground, in fact I usually have to pry them from Abu's jaws. They say "He clothes the grass, of course He'll provide your needs," but grass doesn't have bills to pay. So day after day I scratch out an existence on the brink of exhaustion, though God promises time and again that He knows what my needs are, and He'll meet every one of them.
I'm supposed to believe that He will, but if I did, would I be in tears right now? I mean, if it had penetrated my heart, would I be second guessing anything that might have an adverse affect on my bank account, credit rating, or food supply?
Help my unbelief.
I have one more day. I have until 4. Then the time is up, and I will drive home and think about this trip and ask myself about whether I got the hint I was looking for. I will say goodbye to my friends not knowing when I'll see them again. I will go back to my cave and my two jobs and my exhaustion and try to get ready for africa while I ponder my next move.
Geez, I'm not ready for tomorrow to come. But come it will, so I might as well get some sleep.
That said, the message spoken at the vineyard this morning (that would be the Regina Vineyard) was one of intense conviction.... or maybe not so much conviction.... well it provoked alot of introspection and inspired hope.
It was about beliefs versus actions. The basic premise was that our actions reflect our beliefs. If our actions appear to contradict our beliefs, then it's likely that the inconsistent belief is not truly a solid belief, but head knowledge that has yet to reach the heart. Those things that we truly believe, those will dictate the way we live our lives.
Which brings me to my chronic distrust of God's provision in my life. Why am I so confident that God will hold out on telling me where He wants me until I've already quit my job and made a move? Why do I fully expect Him to wait until I'm in Regina having trouble finding a job to say "Oh yeah, and I wanted you to stay in Winnipeg"
God's not like that. He's not cruel and impractical, and He's not silent, yet after all these years of knowing God and worshipping Him and questioning Him and seeing Him prove Himself faithful, still I conduct myself as though He was not. As though my life was nothing more than an afterthought to Him. Like "oh yeah, Little Bear..... ooops too late, she starved. Oh well, on to someone else..." How ridiculus is that? It doesn't line up, it contradicts 23 years of head knowledge that somehow has never managed to penetrate my heart.
People say "God takes care of the sparrows, so He'll look after you" and yet every day I see dead birds on the ground, in fact I usually have to pry them from Abu's jaws. They say "He clothes the grass, of course He'll provide your needs," but grass doesn't have bills to pay. So day after day I scratch out an existence on the brink of exhaustion, though God promises time and again that He knows what my needs are, and He'll meet every one of them.
I'm supposed to believe that He will, but if I did, would I be in tears right now? I mean, if it had penetrated my heart, would I be second guessing anything that might have an adverse affect on my bank account, credit rating, or food supply?
Help my unbelief.
I have one more day. I have until 4. Then the time is up, and I will drive home and think about this trip and ask myself about whether I got the hint I was looking for. I will say goodbye to my friends not knowing when I'll see them again. I will go back to my cave and my two jobs and my exhaustion and try to get ready for africa while I ponder my next move.
Geez, I'm not ready for tomorrow to come. But come it will, so I might as well get some sleep.
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