Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Blogger moved some things around and so I was forced to fool around with my archive settings..... I must have finally gotten the right combination, because low and behold, the archives now work!! wicked. So now the way it works is, the really old archives, the first year, are a separate site, the link to which is at the top of the page. The recent year's archives are at the bottom of the page.

I've been feeling discouraged today. I don't really want to go into details, but sometimes it feels like God's dealings with me are a series of practical jokes, which I could laugh about, if it weren't for the fact that they prey cruelly on my hope and deal out nasty doses of disappointment..... I understand that God doesn't operate that way, but in this particular tunnel, the light just seems to grow further and further away.

I'm so tired of being a guest in someone else's home. I'm tired of not having a place that I can call mine. I'm tired of feeling like a futureless nomad, and I don't think I want much, I don't think I'm being demanding when I say that I want a bedroom of my own, and I want to stay there until I decide to go. Not just until someone else's life dictates my departure.

I want to be able to make ends meet with only one job. I'd like to have time after wards to hang out with friends or go to bible studies or play my guitar.

Too much to ask? It's not like I'm waiting around for a husband or a lottery win or a free ride. It's not as though I don't work my ass off day in and day out so I can scratch out a substandard existence. All my earthly belongings are right here in a 7 square foot space, next to a water heater and metalic painted brick wall, illuminated by a bare bulb with a string attached. And when I'm done here, I have no idea where I'll go. My future has never been more uncertain.

On May long weekend I'll be going to Regina to find out how likely it is that I'll be moving there. I haven't found a place to stay yet..... I'll sleep in my car if I have to. But I have to go. I have to see my friends. I have to keep hoping that there's something fresh for me somewhere..... even if it is Regina.

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