Sunday, September 07, 2003

Okay God...... so like...... what's the plan?

Not that I wanna rush you or anything.... it's not as though I'm not happy here. Because I am. In fact I'm so content with my life as it is that I fear I may become so content that even should you reveal something else, I'd rather just stay put. I don't want to ever get THAT comfortable.

It's just that you've given me such a desire to do other things, and yet you require me to just sit down and stay put. I can see why, I understand the things that I'm learning here. I understand all the ways in which I'm not ready for any element of responsibility. I also understand that you can accomplish anything, at any time...... and I'm not in a hurry for the pace to pick up, because as I said, I'm happy right here.

I guess what I'm looking for is hope for the future, because right now all I can see is one foot in front of the other stumbling down this rat race that I spent my childhood dreading.

And I guess if I'd stop treating you like one more of my many long distance friends, I wouldn't feel galaxies away from you. It's not as though I don't love you. I guess I'm no less ashamed of my weaknesses than I was before. I guess in some ways I still associate you with religion, as though growing close to you again will suck me right back into that vortex of meetings and evangelism and christianese..... as though those things are prerequisites for our relationship.

I know that they're not...... I still have this sharp memory of working so hard for something I never wanted, all the while not knowing who you really are...... it's like a wound that healed but never stopped aching when the weather got bad.

Did we really know each other, all that time ago? When I didn't know who I was and I couldn't tell the truth about myself to anyone, lifting my hands and dancing around and singing those songs.... was it about blending in? I'd rather spend the rest of my life sitting with my head in my hands and know that I was with you there, than dancing and pacing and praying loudly in the language of my church...... I'd rather sit with you in this basement than travel the world with really good theology and a degree to back it up.

And if I draw close to you again, what will you require of me? Part of me doubts that you will protect me. There's a part of me that expects to be thrown to the sharks. I can survive that, but if I'm alone, I'd rather they tore me apart.

Does that make any sense?

I really do love you. I know that you're the One that I simply can't live without. And yet I'm so afraid of you. I'm sorry about that. I know that love and fear don't belong in the same sentence. I suppose that my humanity lends me to ambivalence. Will I stay, or will I go?

I guess that depends on You..... but it's a tough climb out of this hole I've dug for myself.

When I look at you, I squint. You are that beautiful. - Ani Difranco.


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