Thursday, September 11, 2003

In one day Musungu will magically appear in the center of my fair city, and I will pick her up and take her to my house, which isn't exactly my house, but my home nevertheless.

I've been buried in my thoughts, more so than usual, for the majority of the day. I had been unpleasantly thrust into thoughts of a certain friend, and her mismanagement of her life, and the fact that we used to be best friends but now we don't even talk, and most of all, the reasons why it's better this way.

As much as I'd like to say it's always appropriate to stick close no matter what...... it's not. Sometimes getting out is the only way to find oneself.... and sometimes the only way to grow is to leave codepency behind, cut the cord, and venture out on your own. My deepest instincts tell me that a true friend never leaves, no matter what, and so I'm left with a deep conflict.

After all, I spent a good portion of my life in fear of abandonment. Am I now the perpetrator? Am I now the asshole? Have I been terribly selfish?

The correct answer is no. But I feel as though maybe she doesn't agree, and I'm afraid that if she feels abandoned, I may as well have abandoned her. In reality, I've never stopped "being there" and I never will. I love her dearly and I'll continue to pray for her.

I just really hate the flurry of unresolved questions in my head. There's so much history..... so many conversations that contribute to the context, so many memories, and it seems so strange that we are now the way we are. At the same time, in my mind's eye I can watch it all come tumbling down, I can see where it turned bad, I can see why it's better this way.

There's just too much stuff.


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