Monday, January 26, 2004

All I wanted was a can of tuna.

So I did what any reasonable person would have done. I drove to the cornerstore to get some. The corner store that I frequent is tiny and kinda ratty looking. The floor is made of plywood, the coolers are really loud, it's not air conditioned in the summer. It's owned by a couple who lives in the back. I try to get what I can there due to my aversion to large corporations (problem is, large corporations got everything you need in one place)..... but all I needed was a can of tuna. So I went to the cornerstore.

I walked in and the woman was manning the cashier, talking to a customer. I strolled on back to where I saw the canned goods, and started inspecting the canned tuna. I saw chunked, but I wanted flaked...... oh there's flaked, but it's some low fat concoction.... can't use that.....

"Hey..... come here." I turned around to see the man standing there with his fly wide open, glaring at me from behind some boxes. I turned to face him but didn't go closer. "Who are you?" He asked.

Well now, there's a good question, I thought to myself, which answer do you suppose he's looking for? I could tell him who I am but that would mean nothing to him since he doesn't know me..... which is why he's asking me who I am...... I guess...... kind of a vicious cycle..... so I settled on "I live down the street."

His face didn't change but his voice took on a whispery sort of hissing as he responded, "Get Out"

Whereupon I said the only appropriate thing.

"Excuse me?"
"GET OUT!"

I'm thinking, holy shit, this guy's on something bad, so I motored towards the front where the woman is looking back at me in confusion.

She says, "what can I help you with?"
The absurdity of the question kinda threw me off..... I mean, for starters, could you get your husband a rabies shot? Maybe tie him up during business hours? Had I said anything, it wouldn't have been heard, because he was still yelling about how I should get out.

"Don't mind him," she says, "What do you need?"
"Uh..... a can of tuna?"
"Oh no, we don't have that."

Which of course was a lie, designed to get me out of the store as quickly as possible. As I left, I heard her yelling at him, "What's wrong with you?"

So I went to Safeway. Thwarted again.

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