Sure, it's only been a 4 day week.
But then the exhaustion I feel goes so far beyond my physical exertion. Ever since I woke up plotting my escape from the Cambodians, my dreams have been getting stranger, more chaotic, less comical and a little more......... threatening?? No not yet, not nightmares, but they're getting close, and I know every morning when I wake up that I haven't slept as well as I should have. Every morning, clutching my teddy bear. Feeling.... yes, threatened. Empy threats from something that can't hurt me.
But it robs me of rest.
And then there's that friend who has been heavy on my mind all week long. So heavy I can hardly carry it. I guess in some ways I still feel responsible for her. If I can only remember to take my thoughts and turn them into prayers..... If I only had the discipline that I know I need.
On that note, I bought myself some pepsi today and I think I may have a second can before this night is over. What it boils down to is...... I'm just so tired. So I tell myself I deserve it. As though somehow giving my body the junk it so desires will ease the frustration I feel in deeper places....
Underneath it all is that recurring desire to figure out what my life will become. So many of my friends seem to have figured that out. They've been busy pursuing their goals..... some of them are starting families. Some of them are working at jobs that they're meant to do. I, on the other hand, have no goals. Or I should say, my goals are unattainable. I don't know what I want, so I simply continue on the path of default.
The path of default isn't bad. It's acceptable, enjoyable, comfortable, but for that integral something that is missing..... that assurance that I am indeed headed in the right direction.
I have no answers for myself tonight. What I do have is pepsi. And chocolate. And Star Trek.
So pray for me. While these things are wonderful, they will only treat the symptoms.
But then the exhaustion I feel goes so far beyond my physical exertion. Ever since I woke up plotting my escape from the Cambodians, my dreams have been getting stranger, more chaotic, less comical and a little more......... threatening?? No not yet, not nightmares, but they're getting close, and I know every morning when I wake up that I haven't slept as well as I should have. Every morning, clutching my teddy bear. Feeling.... yes, threatened. Empy threats from something that can't hurt me.
But it robs me of rest.
And then there's that friend who has been heavy on my mind all week long. So heavy I can hardly carry it. I guess in some ways I still feel responsible for her. If I can only remember to take my thoughts and turn them into prayers..... If I only had the discipline that I know I need.
On that note, I bought myself some pepsi today and I think I may have a second can before this night is over. What it boils down to is...... I'm just so tired. So I tell myself I deserve it. As though somehow giving my body the junk it so desires will ease the frustration I feel in deeper places....
Underneath it all is that recurring desire to figure out what my life will become. So many of my friends seem to have figured that out. They've been busy pursuing their goals..... some of them are starting families. Some of them are working at jobs that they're meant to do. I, on the other hand, have no goals. Or I should say, my goals are unattainable. I don't know what I want, so I simply continue on the path of default.
The path of default isn't bad. It's acceptable, enjoyable, comfortable, but for that integral something that is missing..... that assurance that I am indeed headed in the right direction.
I have no answers for myself tonight. What I do have is pepsi. And chocolate. And Star Trek.
So pray for me. While these things are wonderful, they will only treat the symptoms.
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