Sunday, October 19, 2003

I like to think there's a reason for everything.

This is perhaps why I wasn't overly surprised to find out that the friend I've been stressing about all week was in a little bit of trouble. The details of this situation aren't necessary, but it was an overall fiasco. Clark went to pick her up and put her to bed here, then drove some other people back to steinbach. She didn't get in till about 5:30 am, so naturally she slept quite late this morning.... or I should say afternoon.

I woke up and laid awake in bed for quite some time. A million things were going through my head, the complexities of relationships, the further complications of substance abuse, the pure oddness of the fact that I didn't want to be alone with this friend. I don't have anything nice to say. I've run out of compassion, though I don't tend to do so. I suppose foolishness born of ignorance is something I can understand, but pissing away your life just for the hell of it? I've known her too long, I've seen it too many times, I've heard all the excuses. I understand it all so completely...... and yet I don't.

I just..... really love her.

I'd rip off my favorite arm and give it to her, if I thought it meant that she would be okay.

So I finally drag myself out of bed, and I know she's up, watching tv downstairs, but I can't bring myself to go down there. I make some tea and read a book for a while, then decide to take the doggers for a walk. After our walk I leave the dog at home and go to my thinking spot.

Not quite a block away, my thinking spot is under a tree, on a bench, in front of a ukrainian orthodox church. There a stained glass window shows Jesus standing with his arms outstretched, his disciples beneath him with tongues of fire on their heads. It's there I planned on continuing to read, but I took a moment to rest my elbows on my knees, fold my hands, and say a quick prayer for my friend, and take a look up at that beautiful window. As though Jesus Himself was descending to take my hands and ask me if there's anything I needed.

I just need her to be okay

And then there were tears, painful gutwrenching sobs, and from somewhere deep inside came a groaning..... I hate it so much, this helplessness I feel. Were my prayers more powerful, would they make a difference? Had I eloquent speech, could I alter her path? Had I loads of money, could I buy her peace of mind? I have nothing but this deep deep deep wish for her well-being but that's just not good enough.

Needless to say, I didn't get to my book.

How could I read, when I was desperately trying to figure out..... what's the point of praying, when at the end of the day, humanity's free will gets the veto? I mean, I can pray all day and all night, but if she decides to just sh*t around, she's free to do that, right? No one, not even God, can force her to make positive choices.

What function then, in these situations, do prayers serve? In any situation? On a spiritual plane where coercement and manipulation are not permitted..... how can prayers change things?

A question I need an answer to, especially because I've known for a long time that God wants me to spend a significant amount of time praying..... it's just one of those things that I'm meant to do.

But how can I be meant to do something that's meaningless? I need to understand what's been asked of me, and I need to know how to do it well.



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