Well....
I've been working on my guitar, and watching movies, as per usual. I've been stuck on a thought that I can't quite pinpoint, and I've been stuck in my head. Perhaps it's just part of this transition that I've been going through, that started nearly a year ago.
It'll be my birthday soon. This time last year my stepmother was trying to kill herself and my dad was at the end of his rope. My brother was wetting the bed. My dog was a fetus inside the dog that lived in the house that was becoming less of a home every day. I was working myself to the bone and still couldn't afford enough nourishment to prevent my hair from falling out. On year ago, life was the shits, and I remember sitting in my car with one fist against the roof, and one palm against the window, and my feet pushing on the floorboards, feeling so trapped but hoping that if I could just push hard enough then my cage would fall apart and I could find myself in an alternate life where I did get to eat every day, and I wasn't responsible for the emotional well-being of my family members, and I did have a place to call home.
I remember my simple prayer of frustration. I just need help. Something has to change, and I can't effect that change. I'm stuck, and I just need help.
One year later, my dog is full grown, and beautiful. We live together in a house that is our home. My family is just far enough away that running to the rescue is no longer an option. I buy fruit, and take vitamin supplements, and I feel healthy, and I work only one job, and it pays better than any other job I've ever worked. I have everything I need or want.
I can hardly believe it's been a whole year. When you're in transition it seems to take so long, and it feels so torturous, but when you look back you can hardly believe the ways that things are different, and the thing is that I know the transition isn't finished. I feel unsettled and discombobulated but I don't know why, except that I know that so many things are changing, and I don't know how long it will take.
I think that the only scrap of discontent that I have is the suspense, the curiosity about a future that seems so close and yet so long in coming. But I have to remind myself not to be in a hurry, to learn everything I need to learn at this time, and learn it well, and enjoy the scenery and relax.
God is good, and He is trustworthy, which I suppose is why I feel curiosity instead of apprehension. I know that He's got good things in store, and I've learned in the past that He is a faithful guide.
I've been working on my guitar, and watching movies, as per usual. I've been stuck on a thought that I can't quite pinpoint, and I've been stuck in my head. Perhaps it's just part of this transition that I've been going through, that started nearly a year ago.
It'll be my birthday soon. This time last year my stepmother was trying to kill herself and my dad was at the end of his rope. My brother was wetting the bed. My dog was a fetus inside the dog that lived in the house that was becoming less of a home every day. I was working myself to the bone and still couldn't afford enough nourishment to prevent my hair from falling out. On year ago, life was the shits, and I remember sitting in my car with one fist against the roof, and one palm against the window, and my feet pushing on the floorboards, feeling so trapped but hoping that if I could just push hard enough then my cage would fall apart and I could find myself in an alternate life where I did get to eat every day, and I wasn't responsible for the emotional well-being of my family members, and I did have a place to call home.
I remember my simple prayer of frustration. I just need help. Something has to change, and I can't effect that change. I'm stuck, and I just need help.
One year later, my dog is full grown, and beautiful. We live together in a house that is our home. My family is just far enough away that running to the rescue is no longer an option. I buy fruit, and take vitamin supplements, and I feel healthy, and I work only one job, and it pays better than any other job I've ever worked. I have everything I need or want.
I can hardly believe it's been a whole year. When you're in transition it seems to take so long, and it feels so torturous, but when you look back you can hardly believe the ways that things are different, and the thing is that I know the transition isn't finished. I feel unsettled and discombobulated but I don't know why, except that I know that so many things are changing, and I don't know how long it will take.
I think that the only scrap of discontent that I have is the suspense, the curiosity about a future that seems so close and yet so long in coming. But I have to remind myself not to be in a hurry, to learn everything I need to learn at this time, and learn it well, and enjoy the scenery and relax.
God is good, and He is trustworthy, which I suppose is why I feel curiosity instead of apprehension. I know that He's got good things in store, and I've learned in the past that He is a faithful guide.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home