It's as though I'm always suspended between these two extremes.... I always contradict myself, my emotions are always butting heads. I'm never sure which it is, or both, that I'm feeling, and I wonder sometimes if this tension is normal or if I'm somehow unusual.
For example, I'm housesitting this weekend, while Garrett and Colleen, who I now live with, have a little hiatus. This means that once again, I am alone in the house.
Now the first thing I think is it will be nice to have some time to myself, to make noise at midnight, watch cartoons. The second thing I think is..... oh no I can't spend all that time alone!! The fear of being alone is stronger than the desire for space, because it's easier to accomodate another's presence than it is to find someone to accomodate. I'd rather not be alone this weekend.... but I'd rather be alone.
Lately I think I've been painfully aware of my one-ness.... that is, I am only one person. There is no person beside me to talk to, there is no person in the passenger seat, there is no person waiting for me and there is no person sharing their ideas. There are people..... people who have their own people, people with other places to go, and other passengers, and other people to talk to.... but I am only me, and my car is always empty, and whenever I talk about my ideas, I sound crazy, because I am talking into empty space.
I think I don't enjoy my solitude as much as I used to. I dare say I'm discontent with it.
This perhaps why, on the eve of my trip to Africa, I'm wishing I could get to Regina to bid farewell to Chimwemwe. I seem to recall a similar situation last time I went to Africa.... I nearly bailed in favor of a bus ticket to Winnipeg.... oh how the wind blows!
And then also is my excitement about meeting the people who will be on the team in Africa colliding with my anxiety about leaving Abu for three weeks. My urgency about getting ready with my disbelief that any of this is actually happening. My joy at the thought of returning to the dark continent with my uncertainty about the fall.....
darn it all I wish I could just feel one thing at a time. And that I didn't need to sleep. I'd just love to get a Lord of the Rings-athon in this weekend... and share my insightful comments with the dogs.
For example, I'm housesitting this weekend, while Garrett and Colleen, who I now live with, have a little hiatus. This means that once again, I am alone in the house.
Now the first thing I think is it will be nice to have some time to myself, to make noise at midnight, watch cartoons. The second thing I think is..... oh no I can't spend all that time alone!! The fear of being alone is stronger than the desire for space, because it's easier to accomodate another's presence than it is to find someone to accomodate. I'd rather not be alone this weekend.... but I'd rather be alone.
Lately I think I've been painfully aware of my one-ness.... that is, I am only one person. There is no person beside me to talk to, there is no person in the passenger seat, there is no person waiting for me and there is no person sharing their ideas. There are people..... people who have their own people, people with other places to go, and other passengers, and other people to talk to.... but I am only me, and my car is always empty, and whenever I talk about my ideas, I sound crazy, because I am talking into empty space.
I think I don't enjoy my solitude as much as I used to. I dare say I'm discontent with it.
This perhaps why, on the eve of my trip to Africa, I'm wishing I could get to Regina to bid farewell to Chimwemwe. I seem to recall a similar situation last time I went to Africa.... I nearly bailed in favor of a bus ticket to Winnipeg.... oh how the wind blows!
And then also is my excitement about meeting the people who will be on the team in Africa colliding with my anxiety about leaving Abu for three weeks. My urgency about getting ready with my disbelief that any of this is actually happening. My joy at the thought of returning to the dark continent with my uncertainty about the fall.....
darn it all I wish I could just feel one thing at a time. And that I didn't need to sleep. I'd just love to get a Lord of the Rings-athon in this weekend... and share my insightful comments with the dogs.
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