I dreamt that I went to hell in an airplane, along with some other people. It looked like any other place, house lined streets, with trees and cars. The demons bore a likeness to Jay and Silent Bob, and were quite civil. Satan was upstairs reading a book, and I never saw him, but I heard him. He was polite and had many requests of me, bad things that I would never do or say, and when I refused to do them he showed me visions of Abu, dead at the side of the road. I was seriously considering telling him to kiss my ass when I woke up in a state of bewilderment.
Abu was alive and well, and came to snuggle up with me as I gradually woke up, wondering where such a dream would come from. Did I need a new pillow? Was it time to wash my bedding? Am I eating too many hot dogs? Drinking too much pepsi?
Satan can't kill my dog..... can he?
Dreams are so weird, aren't they? I dream so seldom that when I remember one, I take note. That's not to say I'm reading any meaning into this dream. I'm just saying that it was long enough, and strange enough, and cohesive enough that I woke up and thought about it, and remembered things that happened as I slept, getting into the plane, and then stepping off the plane into a dark cavernous place, full of smoke and towers and frightening creatures, and the gate that led to a place that didn't seem half bad. There was a soft, nagging, underhanded evil that sought to erode my integrity and change me into something less than what I am.
I went through my morning routines with the memory of Abu's black shaggy corpse strewn over a snowdrift and wondered to myself, what would I sacrifice to avoid ever having to see that again? What would I compromise to protect her? She's only a dog. What about my brother or sister or mother? What about any one of the people that I love..... How far would I go to keep them safe?
In high school I attended a Christian Ethics class where we discussed the question of right and wrong in the context of seemingly impossible circumstances. Like, if your friend is trapped in a burning car and can't be saved, and you shoot him to save him from the torture of burning to death..... have you committed murder?? Did you sin? And what if you're pregnant, and due to complications you'll die with the child, unless you get an abortion, which is your only chance of surviving. What if that was your wife? Do you sign for the abortion?? Is it wrong?
I think it's pointless to debate situational ethics, and that's not what I'm getting at. I'm not getting at anything, really, but I'm thinking about sneaky evil and a world full of manipulation and diabolical schemes. I see it all around me, and sometimes it's frightening, because I know that I'm vulnerable and I don't always know what's right. All I have is a relationship with a Being who, let's face it, sometimes seems more imaginary than real, and a big book full of parables and "apparent" contradictions, compiled by fallible humans, which is supposed to be the basis of my faith.
I wonder sometimes if everything I think I know is just piss in the wind, and I wonder how I'll escape the planet with my mind and soul intact. Sometimes I wonder if Christians in general aren't missing some huge detail that would make everything make sense..... cuz sometimes, Christianity just doesn't make sense. There's a big hole in the middle of our theology, and it leaves people striving and angry and tired. We've got ourselves the makings of our very own separate civilization, complete with mythology, religion, language, and written records. We're all about turning Egyptians into Israelites while sometimes I think people don't even know who they are or what they believe.
I'm not saying what you think I'm saying, and that is, that I'm losing faith in my.... faith. On the contrary, God takes on shape and color each day that I seek Him, and Jesus feels closer and less like a cardboard cut-out in a Christian book store lobby. But the closer They come to me, the more glaringly obvious my weaknesses and shortcomings become, the harder it becomes to hide the chasms in my faith where the human examples I've been given have fallen short.
I suppose this is why the topic of judgement and religion has been so sensitive to me. If I ever understood that I am not righteous, it's now. If ever I was desperate for wisdom and understanding, if ever I needed to see God, to peek inside His mind and catch a glimpse of what this is supposed to look like....
Cuz I don't really think very many people have a clue. I know that somewhere in the midst of all our religion, there is truth, and somewhere in all our speculation, there is wisdom.
The Christians and the Pagans, by Dar Williams, performed by Ani Difranco
Abu was alive and well, and came to snuggle up with me as I gradually woke up, wondering where such a dream would come from. Did I need a new pillow? Was it time to wash my bedding? Am I eating too many hot dogs? Drinking too much pepsi?
Satan can't kill my dog..... can he?
Dreams are so weird, aren't they? I dream so seldom that when I remember one, I take note. That's not to say I'm reading any meaning into this dream. I'm just saying that it was long enough, and strange enough, and cohesive enough that I woke up and thought about it, and remembered things that happened as I slept, getting into the plane, and then stepping off the plane into a dark cavernous place, full of smoke and towers and frightening creatures, and the gate that led to a place that didn't seem half bad. There was a soft, nagging, underhanded evil that sought to erode my integrity and change me into something less than what I am.
I went through my morning routines with the memory of Abu's black shaggy corpse strewn over a snowdrift and wondered to myself, what would I sacrifice to avoid ever having to see that again? What would I compromise to protect her? She's only a dog. What about my brother or sister or mother? What about any one of the people that I love..... How far would I go to keep them safe?
In high school I attended a Christian Ethics class where we discussed the question of right and wrong in the context of seemingly impossible circumstances. Like, if your friend is trapped in a burning car and can't be saved, and you shoot him to save him from the torture of burning to death..... have you committed murder?? Did you sin? And what if you're pregnant, and due to complications you'll die with the child, unless you get an abortion, which is your only chance of surviving. What if that was your wife? Do you sign for the abortion?? Is it wrong?
I think it's pointless to debate situational ethics, and that's not what I'm getting at. I'm not getting at anything, really, but I'm thinking about sneaky evil and a world full of manipulation and diabolical schemes. I see it all around me, and sometimes it's frightening, because I know that I'm vulnerable and I don't always know what's right. All I have is a relationship with a Being who, let's face it, sometimes seems more imaginary than real, and a big book full of parables and "apparent" contradictions, compiled by fallible humans, which is supposed to be the basis of my faith.
I wonder sometimes if everything I think I know is just piss in the wind, and I wonder how I'll escape the planet with my mind and soul intact. Sometimes I wonder if Christians in general aren't missing some huge detail that would make everything make sense..... cuz sometimes, Christianity just doesn't make sense. There's a big hole in the middle of our theology, and it leaves people striving and angry and tired. We've got ourselves the makings of our very own separate civilization, complete with mythology, religion, language, and written records. We're all about turning Egyptians into Israelites while sometimes I think people don't even know who they are or what they believe.
I'm not saying what you think I'm saying, and that is, that I'm losing faith in my.... faith. On the contrary, God takes on shape and color each day that I seek Him, and Jesus feels closer and less like a cardboard cut-out in a Christian book store lobby. But the closer They come to me, the more glaringly obvious my weaknesses and shortcomings become, the harder it becomes to hide the chasms in my faith where the human examples I've been given have fallen short.
I suppose this is why the topic of judgement and religion has been so sensitive to me. If I ever understood that I am not righteous, it's now. If ever I was desperate for wisdom and understanding, if ever I needed to see God, to peek inside His mind and catch a glimpse of what this is supposed to look like....
Cuz I don't really think very many people have a clue. I know that somewhere in the midst of all our religion, there is truth, and somewhere in all our speculation, there is wisdom.
The Christians and the Pagans, by Dar Williams, performed by Ani Difranco
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