Sunday, October 24, 2004

Well, I'm starting fresh. No links, no bio, no archives.

I want my blog to reflect my life, and right now, life is new and fresh for me. I get the distinct impression that I'm starting a new season in my life, not just because I've moved to a new city, but because I'm drawn to new things, and because I have a new faith.

I don't know what these days ahead of me hold, but I do know that I would like this to be a place of edification.

I'm excited. It's sunday morning and I'm looking forward to going to church, wondering what it is God will say today, wondering who will come to Viet-thai with me. Today I also expect to write letters to my boys in liberia, which of course will be both difficult and enjoyable. While I'm at it, I should write letters to my sponsor children as well. I think I missed their "back to school" packages. I think they like the letters better anyways. They always write back.

I spent the evening with our youth group, that is, the youth group run by Regina Vineyard. Most of the kids are friends of kids that go to church, which is why I recognized very few of them. 4 of them, a girl and her three brothers, are from Ethiopia, and I enjoyed talking with them and "tapping" (bouncing a soccer ball off your foot). It will take me a while to get to know all the kids, but now that I'm looking at being a regular helper with the youth group, I'm remembering that I always expected to work with youth.

I've been out of touch with spiritual matters for so long, so that at housegroup on Friday, I could find only one sentence to pray for a young man, and that came out haltingly, like a language I haven't spoken in 5 years.... like french.

I can tell that God is setting me up for many good things here, but I sense that the last years were necessary, that it has less to do with location and more to do with the condition of my heart. I have finally come to the end of myself. I knew, the last months in winnipeg, that if He didn't rescue me, I would die, or lose my mind, or first one and then the other. I felt everything in me shutting down from exhaustion, I saw my hair falling out. I feigned independence for so long, I pretended strength and fortitude and I determined to survive by the sweat and blood of my own two small hands. I suppose that God can do nothing with such an individual.

I broke down, and begged Him to save me. He came through smashingly, when my own strength failed. I understand it now. God's strength made perfect in my weakness. I understand how a person's life can't glorify God as long as they're perfectly capable of performing everything He's called them to do by their own strength. It makes sense to me now, it's not just a bible school mantra.

There are some things that need to be lived in order to be learned. I pray I don't ever forget this.

I must be making breakfast now.

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