I have been dealing with a lot of confusion lately. I've been facing a fresh rash of childhood issues, and dealing with them as best as I know how as they come up. Good friends are praying for me. My church is supporting me. I lack for nothing and I am believing truth about myself and my past.

In the beginning of this, I thought that my emotions and intuitions couldn't be trusted in this area because of the struggles I was having. Maybe that's true. In the beginning I had no emotion but fear. I had no intuition but the logical assumption (based on mathematical probability) that I could hope for no better. I assumed that my fear was rooted in my issues, and that as I dealt with my issues, my emotions would come into line.

I have been begging God to give me clarity and to line up my emotions. I have been refusing the lies in my mind and going instead to God. The funny thing is, that the more I do this, the less I want to spend time with this boy, the boy who began it all. My intuition is telling me that there is no future with him.

I used to think that I had no choice but to commit to the first guy to show an interest in me, because I couldn't hope for many to come along. That is so twisted. No wonder I felt the way I did. No wonder a date feels almost like a chore.

I still don't know. I'm not sure. I feel like I'm finding a glimmer of clarity, and my intuition is returning to me, and I'm beginning to trust it. My intuition, after all, has seldom steered me wrong. All of my worst choices, in retrospect, were made in spite of my intuition.

So we'll see.