Little Bear's Update

2007-06-10T11:04:00.001-05:00

my two favorite things: parkour and black dudes. enjoy.

2007-04-05T18:54:00.001-05:00

okay just one more..... it's been too cold to play so I have to satisfy myself by watching videos.

2007-03-31T19:22:00.000-05:00

a little more for you, because this is mainly what I think about these days, and I want to impress everyone not with what I CAN do, but what I HOPE to do.

2007-03-25T18:30:00.000-05:00

With the spring well on it's way, I've been able to get out and run, and workout at the playground. I've been enjoying the feeling of getting stronger and very much looking forward to parkour training. Very happy girl right here. Don't worry mom, I won't start roof jumping for a few weeks yet, but the diving front roll is coming along nicely.

2007-01-15T21:27:00.000-06:00

this is my new obsession. can't wait till spring.

2007-01-10T21:49:00.000-06:00

The Good Word (Redux)

2006-12-15T22:39:00.000-06:00

dogpark starring abu

2006-12-07T19:29:00.000-06:00

Ikwunga -

a little taste of africa for all you mzungus in the family

2006-12-05T21:05:00.000-06:00

This is bashir. Everybody say hi. He is the most recent addition to the family. He's quiet, unobtrusive, and very pretty. wish I could get a sharper pic but alas, the water messes with the camera.

I seem to be missing my africa video tapes. Everybody pray.

2006-11-26T21:16:00.000-06:00

Oh that's right.... I used to blog here.....

Sorry guys, I've been preoccupied. let's see..... here's a pic of my new arrival...

Her name is puja and she's a fantastic puppy, really rounded out our household. I am now firmly convinced that dogs should come in pairs. Abu wasn't sure at first, but she now is quite attached to her new sister.

Work has been crazy busy and I've even been occasionally socializing during the week, trying to do a little housework now and then and cooking a little just for good measure. That said, when I have time to blog, I have no functioning brain cells, and I've been opting for less interactive activities, such as staring at the wall, staring at a movie, or laying on a dogpile on the floor with my two favorite mongrels.

My most recent celebrity obsession is natalie portman. My hair is still black. I now wear a ballaclava to the park. I have eczema on my thumb, of all places. I've discovered that I really like Brahma beer. Looking forward to Joan of Arcadia Season 2 FINALLY coming out on DVD, and I've decided to build a UFO, whereupon I will need to move to the country so I can work the bugs out in privacy.

That's about it, not much changes out here in the land of relentless routine. Kim, by all means, call me, and Krista, any time you're in town, let's totally hang out. Email is better than comments.... I check that more often. ursasmaller@hotmail.com

later kids, bedtime.

2006-07-31T21:30:00.000-05:00

mom, click here for aussie pics, http://www.kaosdogsports.ca/members/personal/dh.htm

2006-07-30T23:04:00.000-05:00

Just so you know who's jumping through whose hoops ;)

2006-07-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

not much is new since my last little regina-hood episode. Abu is enjoying her two new collars, one for walking, and one 'dress' collar which has taken me this long to find, and no one expected me to buy. A pale pink collar with white flowers, it looks fantastic on her, and should put to silence the people who insist on calling her "him."

Most of you already know that I managed to stab myself in the hand while cutting an avocado. By comparing the length of the cut to the width of the knife tip I would estimate the depth of the cut to be about a half inch, which about half of the thickness of my hand in that place. Two stitches and one week later, I have regained most function but still find myself working around pain when performing certain functions. It's hard to imagine that I'll ever be able to fully extend my middle finger, and what a tragedy that would be.

today it is cold and rainy, and it makes me wish that I had my playstation, which is currently away for repair. Yesterday I managed to pick up a game from one of my favorite titles, the third of the prince of persia trilogy, for only 15 dollars. That is a steal. Imagine my surprise to open the playstation case and find that the game inside is for an xbox!! I'll be going back today to replace it, and maybe I can get my playstation back to. It's a perfect day for gaming.

I'll be heading out to manitoba on august 19 and leaving the following friday or saturday, depending on my mood. most likely I'll be camped out at st. malo for the duration of that time, with a few forays (as few as possible) into the urban sprawl where my friends live. Abu will be with me at every moment, so don't anyone suggest otherwise.

Before holidays, however, is the regina folk festival, a tiny venue with some big names, most notably, ANI DIFRANCO!! Two weeks people. There is a small chance (assuming that my connections pull through) that I will have the opportunity to meet this human, who is in the top picks of humans whose hands I intend to shake before I die. She is also on the list of people who should be my best friend, but if she finds that out, I'll come across as stan from the eminem video where the dude locks his pregnant girlfriend in the trunk and drives off a bridge, all because slim shady won't write him back. I am SOOOOO not that dude. Nevertheless, ani would love me if she met me. ;)

So that's all there is. I'm waiting on parts for my electric bike, and after that I'm planning to solve the world's energy crisis with a method I can't discuss here in case the CIA is reading. The oil companies are going down!!

2006-06-17T23:43:00.000-05:00

I was frustrated.

I had been chasing phantom garage sales all the way home from Walmart. Every sign proved either outdated or sadistically misleading. The garage sales I did find were pitiful at best. I had decided that the one I was currently after would be the last one. I would go home and admit defeat. I would watch a movie to distract myself from a failed saturday afternoon.

I have been on the prowl for a bicycle, and not just any bicycle, a piece of crap bare basics 26" minimum for under $20 that I can strip and modify and generally completely deface. I have been unlucky in this venture, thus my feverish hunt for garage sales.

I arrived at the final house, and the sign in front directed me to the back alley. I drove around, parked between the balloons, only to discover that there was no sale of any kind. I gritted my teeth and returned to my car.

This is when the middle aged native guy rode up on a bike. It seemed that he was also headed for the balloons, but he arrived beside me, and there we were. Two people with a thwarted desire to go to a garage sale.

So I said to him "wanna sell me your bike?"

And he said, "okay, how much?"

"Twenty bucks."

"Deal"

I handed the man a twenty, and he helped me load the bike into the trunk, the front wheel hanging out the back. He asked me for a ride, since he was now bike-less. I happily drove him to the liquor store.

I love my neighborhood.

Now I have a bike. Only the seat is too high, and it seems to be too bound up to go any lower. So there's that.

Oh my gosh, I'm watching Joe Versus the Volcano, and there's this shot of Meg Ryan passed out on top of a floating piece of furniture, and Tom Hanks in the water holding onto the side of it, and it's exactly like the end of the titanic, right before Leo tragically sinks to his death.

I can't wait to go to bed.

2006-05-23T22:41:00.000-05:00

It would appear that I have survived a weekend in manitoba. I drove home in the sweltering height of a very very hot day and arrived at my house completely dehydrated.

Life goes on as usual. Abu continues to do well in her agility class, though her attention span is precisely 15 minutes shorter than her class.

Work is a drag lately, summer is slow and hot. The next few months will be defined by the sticky dirty sore feet and extreme boredom of searching for something to do in a place where all but the most distasteful tasks have already been done.

So. The countdown to friday begins. again. Oh, the humanity.

2006-05-07T20:45:00.000-05:00

Seriously..... I got nothing.

Okay, today I laid face down in the grass and breathed deeply, an extremely gratifying activity which brings me so far back.....

On tuesday abu begins level 2 agility.

I might go to manitoba for may long weekend. I don't know.

Laundry sucks. I didn't do any housework. Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm out of cookies.

That's it.

2006-04-29T13:04:00.000-05:00

'We don't hear much about the humanness of Jesus in certain Christian circles. Jesus said unto them: "Who do you say that I am?" And they replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground for our being, the Kerygma in which we find the ultimate meaning of our interpersonal relationships."

Jesus said unto them, "What?"

Brennan Manning, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus

2006-04-14T20:50:00.000-05:00

Well Vancouver was beautiful, albeit rainy. My niece is beautiful, bar none.

Now I'm home and the effects of being in a beautiful neighborhood with beautiful landscaping and beautiful scenery with a beautiful forest are starting to wear off. I'm remembering my reasons for choosing to live in Regina. They are few, though convincing.

So I'm spending some time trying to bring a bit of Vancouver's aesthetic quality home. I spent a few hours today doing yard work. Tomorrow I intend to teach myself enough about small gas engines to get my lawnmower working. Yes, you can teach an old human new tricks. I also have some research to do regarding the market value and structural integrity of a house I'm thinking of buying, and it's about time I filed my taxes. So..... lots to think about.

I can't find my hand lotion.

2006-04-08T12:14:00.000-05:00

well, here I am in Vancouver. There were no cute boys on the plane. The trip was otherwise good. Westjet has sattelite tv embedded in the backs of their seats, so I got to watch star trek all the way here. Also, I found a copy of the gnostic gospels in the edmonton airport, which was an awesome catch.

I woke up early this morning and took a walk. Vancouver, as it turns out, is a city of many inclines. I was able to roll nearly the whole way to the coffee shop in my heelys, but in the end had to march right back uphill to my sister's place. Now she tells me that there's a much closer coffee shop, and I've worked up a sweat for nothing, but at least I've gotten some exercise. It makes up for all the sitting I did yesterday.

So for those of you who don't know, I'm here visiting my sister and her new baby. It's a short visit, I go home on monday morning, so I intend to make the most of it. Tonight the boys are taking me downtown to a japanese restaurant, and sometime today I plan to go to the forest ( 3 blocks away) and soak up some chi.

For now I must go.

2006-04-01T11:16:00.000-06:00

ANI DIFRANCO IS COMING TO REGINA!!!!

When I read that in the newspaper I nearly had an aneurism, immediately followed by a moment of possible heart failure, a split second of complete denial, and then levelled off in a state of shocked anticipation.

Of all places..... Regina. I am pleased.

2006-03-29T21:59:00.000-06:00

I have been ill, aside from being crippled. I've had a fairly grievous week, over all. The house is a disaster because I'm too tired too clean and too sick to care, and poor Abu is showing all the signs of neglect which are typically apparent in your average, not spoiled dog. Today has shown a crack in the clouds, and I'm feeling a little less like weeping and a little more like eating.

Of course, through all of this, I have been working. We are minimally staffed, after all. Finally today I threw budgeting to the wind and picked up a foot-spa. I'm rather surprised, in retrospect, that I didn't get one sooner. I don't think I've ever had a job that didn't require me to spend endless hours on my feet. The foot spa is nice, the ginseng is doing it's work, the tea is making me pee, and I expect to be back to my usual impenetrable self within a day or two.

Well..... there' s not much else to say. I'm looking forward to my trip to vancouver in..... 8 days (woohoo) I must say, the brief holiday is very timely.

2006-03-25T16:37:00.000-06:00

Most of you who read this already know, but I have recently been crippled by a rusty nail. Despite this unfortunate event, life is continuing as it always does, but with slightly more pain. Abu is doing good on her new food, though she eats considerably less than is recommended. I'm not concerned, as she never did eat much. Right now she's munching on a big meaty bone.

I spent the afternoon box-judging at a flyball tournament. It's funny, because although I had already decided not to train Abu in flyball, I'm still tempted to try her at it just to see how fast she could go. I bet she could go really fast, but could and would are two very different things. She can't really be bothered with fetching.

So here's hoping that I can walk by the time our tuesday agility class rolls around. Also, walking would come in handy for grocery shopping, which would come in handy for eating. I'm almost out of noodles, and then it's down to mushroom soup, canned exotic fruit, and frozen things from boxes. Oh yes, and powdered cappuccino.

I have been insanely busy this week. Even completely healthy, this level of activity would normally be a recipe for an anxiety attack, but strangely enough, I'm doing okay. Normally a beer before bed will buy me an extra hour of sleep, but last night I got well over 10 hours, which is almost unheard of for me. The chaos is not over yet. I might be going out tonight, and tomorrow morning I have to be practicing with the worship team at 8:30. Poor Abu is suffering from neglect, which is why we played hide and seek and then I gave her a big raw bone.

Obviously my life is very dull. I have nothing to talk about aside from the relative absence of food in my house, and my dog's affinity for raw meat.

I guess I'll do the dishes now.

2006-03-18T21:06:00.000-06:00

Well Abu did good at the kennel. I, on the other hand, did less good.

Today is the day Abu starts her new raw diet, that is to say we've done away with the kibble (the equivalent of mcdonald's for humans). Maybe I'm willing to compromise every aspect of my health in order to have a quick, convenient alternative to *shudder* cooking, but when it comes to my dog it's a different story. Quite frankly, after doing some reading about what's actually in dried dog food, I'm appalled and outraged that I, along with the general dog-owning public, has been duped into believing that kibble comes close to providing the nutritional requirements of animals who are primarily carnivorous. Did you know that they put stool thickener in dog food?? Because if your dog had constant diarrhea you might have second thoughts about the label on the bag "High protein balanced diet." Yeah, right, and they don't put antinauseants in Big Macs.

So. Abu is slowly adjusting to her new dog food.

In other news, I have a new niece, but I have no picture as of yet. She was born on Thursday, and her name is Eleana (have yet to confirm the spelling). I will be flying to Vancouver to see her in April. The trip will serve multiple purposes. Besides snuggling my niece and visiting with my sister, I will be soaking up the chi of a million trees, and I will stand on the beach and stare out to sea as though I was one of the Teleri, seduced by the song of Ulmo in the land of Aman. I will wear something light and flowy for the occasion and I will look for the star of Earendil which forebodes doom for the evil one.

I will take walks and I will not wear my watch. Also, I will read books.

In actuality I have only two days in Vancouver. It will not be enough, but it will be wonderful. It will be green. I can hardly wait.

For now, things are quiet. Next weekend is a flyball tournament (that's one of the dogsports at the club where I train Abu). We won't be competing, but I agreed to volunteer some time. So that's the next big thing.

I guess I should go see if I've left that melon in the fridge too long. I sure would like to eat the melon.... but I'm not exactly sure when I bought it.....

2006-03-11T16:25:00.000-06:00

In preparation for my trip to vancouver, Abu is having a sleepover at the kennel. I dropped her off this morning, and won't see her until tomorrow afternoon. It's amazing how much space a dog takes up, really..... emotionally. I live in a tiny house and I feel like I'm all alone in the Croft mansion. I'm about ready to chew my wrists off. I bought new wiper blades and installed them in the hopes of killing some time, but it was too easy..... I was done in no time, so I went to mcdonalds. Then I watched a movie. Then I fixed my online banking and paid some bills. All in the hopes of distracting myself from the distinct absence of that undefinable feeling of not being the only sentient being in a certain space.

I mean, lets be honest, if Abu wasn't at the kennel, she'd be sacked out in the front room, across the entranceway, and I wouldn't see her or hear her or smell her, I'd just play video games and be perfectly content. But I KNOW she's not there. So I'm restless. So restless that I even called people for lunch, but nobody could. So. I have new wiper blades, the bills are paid, I'm sick of watching movies. There's nothing left but to clean the house. *shudder*

Once I'm done with the basement, I'll drown my sorrows in junk food and then I'll exercise the exercise ball to assuage my binger's remorse.

Ooops I forgot about grocery shopping.... Too bad. That always puts me in a bad mood..... and I'm already there.

I miss my dog. I don't know how I expect to sleep tonight.

2006-03-10T23:24:00.000-06:00

I think laughter is something you give, like condolences, or respect, or applause. Maybe this is why I'm reluctant to laugh at people I don't like, no matter how funny they are.

2006-03-02T21:46:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus doesn't watch me working and think, "A rotary sander sure would have come in handy back in Joe's shop."

2006-02-26T19:36:00.000-06:00

I thought it was broken, but it's not. My radar, that is.

I used to have the ability to zoom in on certain people. It was as though all the world was black and white, and every once in a while someone would walk by in living color, and I knew instantly that they were kindred, that I would like them, that we would have a certain mental wavelength in common. Sometimes I had the opportunity to get to know them, and guage the accuracy of my radar, and it was accurate indeed. Sometimes I didn't get that opportunity, and quite frankly, the curiosity would eat me alive.

Such was the case 5 years ago when, flipping through channels one afternoon before work, I stopped on channel 9. General Hospital. A teenage girl who was acting too well for a soap, but something else about her held my attention. I remember thinking, "That is a person of substance. I would like her." This is a ridiculous thought, because she is an actress, right? Who can draw intuition from the facade? And why does it matter?

Well friends, those of you who know me well know that I have a touch of the obsessive and so, it did matter. I became an avid General Hospital fan. For one summer, preceding my move to bible school, I watched the soap while I ate my lunch before heading to my night shift, always perturbed by this thing inside me that drew me to the strangest assortment of people. It was okay at church, even at the mall. You can walk up to those people, you can find out why they've been pointed out to you. With the TV people you have no real options. You can watch or you can turn it off. But they're real..... somewhere in the world those people are grocery shopping, or picking out drapes, or driving mercedes. They're talking to friends and they're going to work, and sometimes they're alone, and sometimes they're sad, and you have no part in any of it but for some reason they're important to you. I don't know about you, but I question God about these people. I've always considered my radar to be a gift with a purpose, so I become confused and perturbed and yes, obsessive, when I don't understand why I've been given insight and no outlet.

Well, that summer came to an end and I went off to Regina for Bible School. Sometimes in the afternoon I'd be able to tune into General Hospital but alas, the individual in question never again appeared. I forcibly put her out of my mind. After all, what else could I do. Say a prayer on her behalf and move on.

Around this time my life began demanding a lot from me, and I believe I became self absorbed. I began dealing with a lot of inner issues. I stopped hearing from my radar. The colorful people disappeared. For five years humans all looked the same. There was that girl on the sidewalk in downtown winnipeg..... Strangely enough she was dressed all in black, yet she popped out at me, and I turned to watch her walk away from me. Before I knew it she was gone, and again there was no purpose, and no resolution, and I stopped looking for them. I stopped watching the humans.

When Joan of Arcadia hit the airwaves a few years ago I was delighted to see my friend from General Hospital in the lead role, but I was unable to watch the show because of my schedule, and I had no faith in my radar. Amber Tamblyn, aka Joan of Arcadia, might have been on the radar, but the radar was frustrating and pointless. I left it alone.

Since moving back to Regina, the radar has been creeping up on me, and I didn't even notice it, but as I sit here and think about it, I can identify people...... I sensed something in them, and I got to know them and found it accurate. My perception has started to approach its previous edge.

I watched "the sisterhood of the travelling pants." There she was again. In living color. There was nothing I could do, but go buy the Joan of Arcadia Season One box set, and run a quick search on this Amber who had popped back onto my radar. I had to know what it was that kept bringing me back. I found that she had written a book of poetry. I bought the book of poetry.

The poetry is remarkable. I see now that the radar doesn't lie. Amber Tamblyn gives no outward indication that she is exactly the sort of person I would love to dialogue with. In case you're interested, the book is called "Free Stallion"

So, I am encouraged. The radar is not broken. Also I am thinking very hard, because more than ever I want to know what the radar is for, in a case like this.

Now you know what an OCD case I am. It's not my fault. There's nothing I can do. God did it. I will ask Him what it's for.

By the way, Joan of Arcadia, Amber Tambly aside, is a fantastic show with brilliant writing and great acting. It approaches questions and ideas that are really integral to (at least) my relationship with God. Watching the show feels devotional. God is speaking to me through it. I recommend it very highly. Go buy Season One.

2006-02-14T21:04:00.000-06:00

Good news just arrived in my inbox!!

Due to some cancellations, the high recommendations of Abu's various teachers, and my charming emails, Abu and I will indeed make it into the Agility Level 1 class, a class which is normally very very full and has a very very long waiting list!!

Yippeee!!! Abu's not sure why I'm so happy but she'll find out soon enough. Last night she performed fantastically on the A-frame and the weaving poles and I know that she'd be a fantastic demo dog. Some of you can get away with taking your dogs for walks, but my dog seems to require a little more stimulation.

Class one is march 7. Party on wayne.

2006-02-14T19:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know an update is WAY overdue, so here it comes.

Today I am less satisfied that is typical with my job.... primarily my schedule. The 7 am thing is wearing me down, and I am pining for the writer's lifestyle, that is, tea and a toaster strudel in front of the computer at 10. Oh, how I long for that life. Home with Abu every day. Working in my PJ's (technically I don't have Pj's but it's the principal of the matter) Instead of interpreting the grunts and crude gestures of my cro-magnon coworkers I could be curled up in my favorite chair editing my latest short story.

Next..... I have a nephew due in half a month.... that is... 19 days. Shortly after, I shall be travelling to Vancouver to see said nephew, even though he will not be any fun to play with.... as of yet. I will also be visiting with my sister, the mother of aforementioned nephew, and brother in law, and maybe go see the ocean. I haven't see the ocean since my trip to Liberia. Of course that was a different ocean.....

I have purchased off the blessed internet a pair of the trendy heely shoes.... that is, shoes with a wheel embedded in the heel. I am very cool now that I have them. One of the little teeny bopper boys at church informed me that my new shoes "suck" so I just told him he needed to be less obsessed with being cool, lest he become a grumpy teenager who's too cool to have any fun. In theory I really like teenagers but sometimes they're a real pill.

Other than all these things, life goes on pretty much the same each day. Tonight I'm celebrating the profound patheticness of being a 25 year old spinster on valentines day with a barbecue chicken pizza and a beer. Good times.

2006-01-30T21:52:00.000-06:00

I feel the need to post even though I'm completely blank, and it's just about time for bed.

I've got Ani Difranco on the brain. I was just checking out the pictures on her website from her trip to Burma/Thailand. This resulted in two emotions. The first was an overwhelming longing for another trip to Liberia. I saw the pictures of burmese children holding her hand and I instantly thought of Jackson and Roosevelt and Sunny Boy, a whole month of little children hanging on my arms and dancing in front of my camera and singing in their beautiful voices.

The second was overwhelming respect for Ani, who I already respect. I had no idea that she went to burma. Before she was an incredibly talented, intelligent, socially conscious and freethinking musician and entrepreneur. Now she is all of those things, and a visitor of refugee camps and orphanages in remote jungles.

I'm also thinking about how much Abu enjoys her classes right now, and how I'm gonna have to commit to the next 10 years of agility training. This will be a lot of fun. Maybe we'll even get into competing. Abu has a natural knack for it, as I suspected she would. My dog is brilliant.

I'm reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. It's written with the typical generic style that characterizes all "new york best-sellers" but the subject matter is quite fascinating, which must account for dan brown's recent popularity.

My house group is deceased so my fridays are wide open now. it's a little unsettling. My only social night is no longer a given. I may have to actually make plans intentionally. Or I could just stay home and watch movies. After all, there's always sunday lunch.

okay now I'm just procrastinating. I should be going to bed. make me go. no snack, just straight to bed. go. go now.

2006-01-26T22:20:00.000-06:00

my computer died. The kind humans over at cleeco computers have resurrected it for me.

I've been very busy for the better part of the evening trying to get my new mp3 player loaded up with enough music to keep me going for the day tomorrow. Napster is giving me grief and ripping music from my cd collection is proving to be a time consuming endeavor.

Well. Whatever. I should be in bed already, but I'm not. Tomorrow is friday so I don't care. Since I popped about a million ginseng pills I'm feeling quite a bit better than I was before. I'll take some more before bed and some more when I get up. Ginseng really is quite a remarkably well kept secret. I knew it was good for me, but I had no idea it could make sickness disappear within hours of taking the stuff. It will be a staple item in my house. I currently have the siberian variety running through my bloodstream, which is supposed to help me out in the energy department. We'll see. I haven't had much energy since I was seven.

To recap: cleeco rocks, napster wants to screw me, and ginseng is magical.

2006-01-16T21:14:00.000-06:00

I've still got Jesus stuck in my craw. Donald Miller is helping me see Him in a new light. Seems to me that just one person really grabbing hold of what Jesus was all about could influence a lot. A bunch of them could change the world. Just like the disciples did.

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I can do to make the world a better place, and I think I have my answer. But what a tall order. Who can understand the mystery that surrounds Him? Who can truly follow without fear?

I think you can spend your whole life being a christian and never really get to know Jesus. I think a lot of people do. I don't want to be one of them.

Today we had our first class in Canine Fun 101, and Abu did very well. Not all of the dogs in this class have been through the obedience classes, so Abu had a bit of an advantage. I'm looking forward to this class. It'll be a lot more fun than the tedious obedience exercises.

That's it. I want to lie down and drink some tea.

2006-01-15T08:36:00.000-06:00

Something's bothering me. About Jesus, and christians. I don't know if I can explain it, so I'm just gonna try and see if I get to the end of this post.

What strikes me about Jesus' ministry was that it revolved around the desperate people who knew their sin. It was desperation that drove people to seek him out. It was sinful people who got down on their knees and acknowledged His Lordship. It was the sinful who needed Him.

Most of the christians I know seem to think they're doing pretty good in the sin department, and they probably are. They are influence by the culture they're in to follow the Law, mixing it in with relationship, and suddenly we have seemingly sinless, squeaky clean humans. They're quick to name the sin in others. Quick to say "that's wrong", or "that's a slut," or "that guy needs Jesus."

It reminds me of what I'm reading in Donald Miller's book, "Searching for God Knows What." He talks about a "lifeboat mentality" which essentially has each of us trying to establish our own worth to avoid being thrown out. It's important to establish that you're better, or more worthwhile, or more useful, than at least one person in that boat. It's like Survivor. We're each trying to associate ourselves with the winners and disociate from the losers in order to ensure our survival in a twisted social structure.

So, the christians say, "at least I'm not a slut" or "at least I'm not a gossip" or "at least I'm not like that guy....." so when we go to God it's to ask for provision of finances, or His presence in our church service, or for that meeting to go over well. We've already "asked Jesus into our hearts" so we don't go to God begging Him to save us from ourselves. We're already saved, and going to heaven, unlike those other people who are so very sinful.

I think sometimes we think that spirituality is rated on a bell curve. Someone has to go to hell so others can go to heaven. As long as we place above those others, we're okay, and we don't have to face the truth, that our sins are not the sins of commission, they're the sins of omission.

That is, not doing something good is just as much a sin as doing something bad, or so says James.

And really, who cares about labelling certain behaviour as sinful. That tendency comes from the need to validate ourselves. We forget that regardless of our ability to toe the line on a list of sins, we are born in a sinful condition. The cancer is rotting our souls even if don't actually sin. It's the human condition, it's a disease we're born with. So for me to think back and say "oh, I haven't committed any sins today" and use that as ammunition to whip out an attitude on someone else, it's ridiculous.

I mean, unless someone comes along and saves us, everyone on that lifeboat is doomed. Everyone. The lawyer will die of thirst alongside the prostitute, and the Christian beside the Muslim, and all that's gonna matter in the end is how much love did we show to our companions and did we know we needed saving when Jesus came along, and did we beg Him to save us, or did we beg Him to save our neighbors. Jesus doesn't live in a lifeboat mentality. He walks alongside waiting for someone who has the courage to step outside and walk with Him. If the gospels are any indication, I would expect the prostitute, or the leper, or the tax collector to be the first ones out of the boat. After all, they've got nothing to lose, and nothing to gain by staying. What about the "good" ones. They feel safe in the boat, because they're better than those others.

So. There it is, whatever it is, what I've been thinking about.

Something's missing. That is, missing from modern christianity, and missing from my worldview, or my theology. I'm trying to worry less about being right, or toeing the line, or fitting into some corrupt social system which thrives on separating the losers from the winners, the right from the wrong. The boundaries are imaginary. We're all in the same boat. Some of us are trying to follow Jesus, and stay in the boat at the same time. Actually, I think that's where modern christianity is right now. Sitting in the boat, bible in hand, curled up in the corner and looking over to where Jesus is walking on water.

Donald Miller asks a good question. If it was the sinners who most enjoyed Jesus' company, why don't the sinners love hanging out in the presence of Christians? Shouldn't christians be modelling themselves after Jesus?

That's it. I'm all out.

2006-01-06T23:41:00.000-06:00

I have no skin today. I'm raw and exposed, my nerves reach out like trees to the sun. My ears are gaping holes through which sounds rush loud and unfiltered to scratch at my brain and ricochet through my head.

I don't know why. I did the usual, shower, dress, comb hair, check bag for essentials. Still I left with the feeling that I had forgotten something. I felt naked.

So here I am, naked in a room full of people. No-one has commented on the fact that my ligaments are showing, arteries and fat deposits. No-one feels me cringe as I'm bombarded by their booming voices. I'm under assault and I don't know it, and no-one is attacking me.

I have no skin today, but when did I lose it? In the shower, in the car? Was it robbed from me as I walked the dark street? Did I take it off and hang it with my coat on the hook beside the door? Now it's lost and I don't know where to find it, or how to replace it, or how it came off in the first place.

But maybe I don't need my skin. Maybe this is my answer to prayer, my chance to sense what I was too thick-skinned to sense. Maybe I don't want my skin. Maybe the challenge is to keep the skin off.

Maybe this is the goal, or part of the process in this journey of learning to hear God's voice. After all, what is skin but a protective barrier between raw nerves and sensory overload? What are ears but earthly filters for vibrations in the air?

Maybe the idea is to grow new skin, like a snake, to replace the old calloused human shield with a fresh, vibrant porous boundary, old deadened sensors with sharp precise receptors of that which cannot be heard or felt.

Maybe this is about feeling atmosphere and struggle and joy and hearing heart-cries and hands reaching out and God smiling.

I have no skin today and God knows why. He gives and He takes away, or so they say. What will He do today?

2006-01-04T20:09:00.000-06:00

Apparently I'm coming down with something, so I spent most of the day at home today. I'm testing out a new drug, called Cold-FX, so I'll let you know how that goes. Right now I'm just dealing with a headache.

The good news is that I spoke with my landlord who is so pleased with me and my roommate that he said I'm free to paint the house in whatever manner I deem beautiful. Also, I am authorized to replace light switches and other things of the like, the cost of these things will be reimbursed to me. So, I'm very pleased. I will shortly be recaulking the bathroom and inviting my neighbor to come over an offer ideas on the living room.

My roommate is engaged and might be getting married as soon as this summer, so it was with great joy that I crunched the numbers and discovered that I can in fact afford to live alone. This doesn't mean that I won't get a roommate, but it does mean that I don't have to, and I don't have to rush into it.

My new year's aspirations as of yet are not set in stone. I plan to put together a plan of sorts. For now, I intend to eat less junkfood, make use of my exercise ball while watching tv, watch less tv, drink more water, and spend time each day writing, at least five minutes. I'm also trying to implement an immediate action policy. For example, hang up my jacket immediately after taking it off. Get a hammer the moment I notice a nail sticking out of the wood casing. If I'm annoyed by all the dishes on the coffee table, move the dishes to the kitchen.

This all seems very basic and is in fact the way I was raised, but I have fallen into some bad habits, and I'm trying to take baby steps out of them. So there. It would be a lot easier if I wasn't dealing with this constant headache. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.

Now I have to go and do the things I just said I was gonna do.

2005-12-23T18:00:00.000-06:00

Look who's an auntie!!! A new cub has been added to the fold. My niece Regan is clearly very pleased that I am holding her. She was born about 45 minutes after I rolled into town last night (this morning). I am very pleased to know that my intuition is still serving me well. I knew she would be a niece!!

2005-12-13T21:20:00.000-06:00

This cracked me up.

I should mention that I finished "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel and it was an intriguing book. It's about an Indian boy who finds himself on a lifeboat in the middle of the pacific with a Hyena, an orang-utang, a zebra with a broken leg, and a bengal tiger. Sounds strange? It's a good read. Written by a Canadian author (automatic plus) and won an award..... Booker something. Can't remember, I've already given the book back to it's rightful owner.

Now I'm working on "Complicated Kindness" by Miriam Toews which takes place in steinbach, which is where I'm from, and is written by a mennonite who knows. So far I'm really enjoying it..... There are entire pages of joke after joke. I wish I'd found steinbach so funny back when I was living there. It's full of the dark, irreverent humor that I love. You should read it. Once I'm finished it, I will be forcing my copy on all my friends.

I'm really enjoying reading lately, but I'm not sure where I'll go after this one. Any suggestions? I've got "finding faith" by Brian Mclaren and I plan to read the Apocrypha..... but beyond that....

anyways.... the night calls.

2005-12-10T09:58:00.000-06:00

"There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living on the street, and they think, 'business as usual.' But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.

These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of each heart. Meanwhile, the lot of widows and homeless children is very hard, and it is to their defence, not God's, that the self righteous should rush."

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

2005-12-04T21:03:00.000-06:00

Went to the spa today with Chimwemwe. If you're a longtime reader (I don't know if longtime is a proper word, but it is in Liberia, and it's pronounced "lahn-tie.") then you know who Chimwemwe is and why this time was special. Also my neck has been somewhat stiff and the spa was helpful in that regard as well.

Watched "Crash" this weekend and was not disappointed in the least. Excellent movie. Fantastic writing. Thought provoking content. Familiar faces. Definitely worth buying.

I feel good. The future feels hopeful, and impossible all at the same time. I realized as I was praying last night just how much disappointment I was carrying. So much disappointment in life and people and just how much duller reality is than I had hoped when I was young. I am still young, but old enough to have found so much sadness and disenchantment in the world. All this time I've been carrying it, a backpack full of rocks, and it has colored everything, and it has been a terrible burden.

So I cried. For all the disappointments in so many things, and there are many, as I'm sure there are for everyone. I'm no less disappointed now, but I refuse to carry it, refuse to let my cynicism stop me from imagining the good things that could come into being.

I am slowly bringing myself around, redirecting my focus. I'm learning to recognize God's voice. That is the most important thing. That is everything.

I have some real challenges ahead of me. I'm learning a thing or two. Now I'm going to bed. Today was a wonderful day. Tomorrow could be interesting. I'll find out when i wake up.

2005-12-01T22:28:00.000-06:00

"If you wanna go to it, you gotta go through it."
-The Roots

2005-11-27T21:54:00.000-06:00

Now that Abu is so good at staying in one spot, we've been having a blast with hide and seek. She stays in the front room (where she can't see the rest of the house) and I go hide somewhere or hide her favorite toy, then tell her to go get it (or come get me). Then I giggle as I watch her search high and low, and we throw a big party every time she finds what she's after. It's so much fun. She learns so quickly. Once I hide in one spot, she checks there the next time. Soon she'll have the whole house cased, and the game will have to move to the mall. Or somewhere.

2005-11-26T23:19:00.000-06:00

I've been having pretty intense dreams, some of them disturbing, and every night. Also some interesting things that different people have prayed for me are conspicuously parallel. All things taken into account I'm feeling a dire need to nurture the lines of communication between God and myself. I haven't really been feeling like writing here, either. More than ever, I want to hole up and shut the world off, but it seems like lately I've been busier than usual.

I'm so thankful for the support system I have in my church right now. Small things seem really pivotal. Everything seems like foreshadowing. Things are calm but something new is brewing.

Gotta play on the worship team tomorrow. better get to bed.

2005-11-21T19:45:00.000-06:00

"What's the point of tomorrow if you don't learn that all you have is today, and today, and today?"
- Whoopi Goldberg in "Sarafina"

2005-11-16T21:02:00.000-06:00

Confession:
I always find it surprising when intelligent people come to different conclusions than me.

2005-11-13T14:50:00.000-06:00

Today while driving by the casino I saw a pigeon walking across the street at a crosswalk.

It reminded me of something,namely myself. I've been struggling with the memory of being a very creative and expressive person. There was a time when I was constantly writing, drawing, creating, dancing, singing. Somewhere along the way, that creative chip in me short cicuited, suffocated. All of a sudden I feel as though I'm waddling along when in fact I was made to fly.

On Friday, for the first time in probably a year or more, I sat down and wrote something that wasn't a blog post. A page or so of prose, a reflection on the condition of my creative heart. That page brought clarity, if not solutions.

I realized that I've been robbed. And why not? If I was Satan, I'd rob me to.

So what does the bible say about thieves? Last I checked, according to God's standard, thieves were required to pay back what they took, anywhere from seven to ten times the amount. If my memory serves me correctly.

So today I'm encouraged. I expect recompense.

I think that on some level this has everything to do with the nagging sense of loneliness that I've dealt with as long as I can remember. I've experienced it in enough places, surrounded by enough people, that I understand it to be an internal, spiritual condition, and it revolves around my relationship to God. With all the noise in my life, and all the distractions, how can I hear God. He is the only one who can touch that spot. I've known for quite some time that I was created introverted, that I was given a personality that thrives in solitude, but what I tend to neglect is that the solitude is meant to be filled with God's quiet whispering. Instead I fill it with white noise, because I feel lonely, and I want company. So backward, so counterproductive. Even now I've got the tv on. I'm an idiot.

So I see a plan of action availing itself to me. Do you? Once again, I find that life, though difficult, is incredibly simple.

2005-11-07T19:34:00.000-06:00

Again, from Yvonne we have the Church Sign Generator which is good for a laugh. Check out the pics of existing church signs. I especially like the one that says "Go Bush Go. Pass the Ammo."

yikes.

anyways I'm just hanging out waiting for my dad to roll into town so I can go have some tar-like coffee with him in the truck stop. My friend Rachel is coming to town soon and I'm greatly looking forward to seeing her.

Today I managed to work something out in my head and it's a marvelous relief. I feel much better now.

Abu is crazy right now. She's discovered that I scream when she nips my sides..... she seems to think it's funny. She's actually been quite annoying this evening, so I had to beat her.

Have a good night.

2005-11-05T20:28:00.000-06:00

Here's a fun little exercise from yvonne's site. Type your name into Google, followed by the word 'needs' and see what comes up. Here's what I got.

1. Leila needs a role model.
2. Leila needs to play her wild card
3. Leila needs her risk-taking madness
4. Leila needs medication
5. Leila needs Pierre's help
6. Leila needs to learn to pay attention to the little details
7. Leila needs a scientist
8. Leila needs to be the princess
9. Leila needs more work

Through this exercise I learned that Leila is a popular name for dogs. There is one dog named Leila who is 15 years old, a black lab, and has been lost since December 15, 2004, in St. Charles Illinois. Leila is also an adorable Australian Shepherd in need of a new home.

LEILA is also a collaborative data driven system that spans multiple agencies and branches of government. Leila is an excellent example of how technology can help "break down the barriers between organizations by facilitating information exchange, while at the same time maintaining security and agency controls.

So. There you have it.

2005-11-02T20:35:00.000-06:00

Well, Abu is feeling better, and we went back to the park for the first time in a week. Abu promptly ran to the far end where the fence almost meets the creek, and escaped while I was distracted by a human. Next thing you know, she's outside at the gate, begging to be let back in. Silly dog.

Oh my gosh, I'm watching "trading spouses" and I know I shouldn't be, because it always makes me upset. They always match hyperspiritual "christians" with new age-ish types. As usual, the christians are all acting like completely ignorant judgemental closeminded dweebs, with the exception of the eldest daughter of the christian family. My gosh, with shows like this it's no wonder people have a warped idea of what Christianity is all about.

I mean, how hard would be to at least pretend to be a loving, open, genuine, forgiving, intelligent human, just for a week? Would it kill you to be nice? The pagans can be nice. The buddhists, and the mormons, and the democrats can all be nice. Hindus and muslims and animal rights activists, hippies and vegetarians can all be nice. Why is it always the christians with the patronizing smiles looking down their noses saying "so you're not a christian then?"

Those smug little smiles, I wanna just slap them right off. Do they think that by catering to their pride they're somehow doing the will of God?? They are doing damage. They are hurting people in the name of God. They are making it so much harder for those of us who actually care to communicate anything positive as christians.

Does anyone else feel this way?? Does anyone know what i'm talking about?

In other news, I recently remembered that Jesus was a carpenter, and being a woodworker myself, I felt a bit of camaraderie. I often find as I'm working that some aspect of the wood teaches me something about life and growth. I wonder if the very things that I'm thinking while I chisel and sand went through Jesus' head when He was 24, working with his dad. Maybe at that time His destiny seemed really far away, maybe He wasn't sure exactly what it was. Maybe He felt discouraged sometimes, year after year of planing and sanding and sawing when in fact he was born to save mankind. For 33 years.

The bible doesn't say much about His early years. I wish it would. Year in and year out my destiny is hidden from me, but I learn a thing or two about people and life from the wood in my hands and just try not to be discouraged.

I don't know.

Uncle Edmar, I tried to email you but it wouldn't go through. Did you change it?? email me.

2005-10-29T10:02:00.000-05:00

Abu has caught "kennel cough" which is like a common cold for dogs. Most housedogs don't get it because they're isolated from other dogs, but because we spend a lot of time at a well populated dog park, and because it's going around, Abu is home sick.

What, you may ask, do you do with a dog who has a cough? The same thing you do with a child. You go to the drugstore and get Benylin Children's Formula, only to discover that you can't get it down her throat. So you go back to the drugstore and pick up a medicine dropper to squirt the cough syrup down her throat. Then you feel terrible for your poor sick dependant, and you give her something sweet and yummy. In Abu's case, this is a spoonful of honey. Then you yoink your roommate's humidifier and keep it running as much as possible.

The worst part is that we can't go back to the park until she's no longer contagious, and we may have to miss our first day of grade two. As it turns out, my daily walk in the park with the other dogs' parents has become quite an addiction. I feel so cut off from the world.

Abu seems to be getting better. Her coughing fits are shorter and tend to only come in the morning. I'm glad, it's terrible to hear a dog cough.

In other news I won a beer fridge in a raffle that one of my coworkers was selling tickets for. It's a fantastic fridge, black and stainless steel, and it's perfect beside my couch. It has a freezer compartment, crisper, can dispenser, and I plan to get a fish and put it on top.

Now I will go and buy food for my new fridge.

2005-10-23T21:04:00.000-05:00

I just watched the movie "I Am David" and it made me cry.... twice. I remember reading the book in school, and I recall enjoying it, but I didn't realize that just two years ago they made a movie. The main character was brilliantly cast, a better actor at 11 or whatever age he is than most of the punks making movies these days.

For those of you who don't know, I am David is the story of a young boy who escapes from a stalinist labour camp and tries to make his way across Europe to safety. I think I shall look up the book and read it again, for good measure. You should too, or watch the movie. It's written by Anne Holmes.

I picked up my guitar yesterday for the first time in months and promptly wrote a song. At least I'm writing something, right? Abu doesn't appreciate my sudden obsession with that noisy red contraption, or the computer, for that matter. If I must be ignoring her, it ought to be on the couch, watching movies, dropping popcorn on the floor for her to vaccuum.

Now I've got to finish the laundry. Goodnight

2005-10-19T21:53:00.000-05:00

Did I mention that Abu passed grade 1? Well she did. Or, I should say, we did. Indeed, obedience school is all about training humans, and I would have taken it as a personal failure if we hadn't passed.

Just finished watching Garden State. I really like that movie, with the exception of a couple tasteless moments. I like the soundtrack and I like something else about it which I can't put my finger on. It approaches depth and intimacy and skims over some other ideas.

While I'm on the subject of movies, I enjoyed 'I "heart" Huckabees' the other day, again, aside from one brief scene. It's such a completely wacky movie, but somewhere in all the bizarre rhetoric it does a really good job of communicating..... something. It's got an almost childlike, vulnerable feel to it, and yet there are no children. Features Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, and Jude Law, all doing excellent work.

I have to say I've been missing Angelina Jolie...... Think I'm gonna pick up Mr. & Mrs. Smith this weekend. I deserve it.

I was talking with one of the humans at the park today, and he was saying how frustrating it is when people ask him what's new. Every day's the same, simple, and he likes it that way. It's the same with me. Nothing big is happening, life goes on day in and day out. That's okay. Too much drama's not good.

2005-10-15T00:12:00.000-05:00

I feel good. I spent the evening with some ladies from church and I feel encouraged and inspired.

I'm trying to spend more time reading the words of Jesus and less time watching tv. Also I am no longer "seeing" anyone and feel just fantastic about that.

Tomorrow's looking like a busy day. We have obedience school, then the park, then maybe more of the park with a family from church, then out to the farm for the evening, then a bath. Because we all know how dogs smell when they hang out on farms.

I'm thinking again about writing, which is funny, because everything that I write on this site lately is completely moronic drivel. Thanx to the internet I have all but abandoned all that I hold dear, that is, syntax and paragraph construction. I probably couldn't diagram this sentence if my life depended on it.

I take comfort from the fact that one only needs to have a rudimentary grasp of english in order to be extremely successful in the Christian publishing industry. I mean, have you read "The God Chasers?" Seriously.

I just feel that it's imperative that I start spending time writing something, anything, just for the hell of it, until some sense of direction avails itself.

That's all. At ease.

2005-10-10T11:30:00.000-05:00

By way of Nathan.

What is that the bible says about the man who achieves peace in the middle east?? I won't say it. ;)

2005-10-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

I have been dealing with a lot of confusion lately. I've been facing a fresh rash of childhood issues, and dealing with them as best as I know how as they come up. Good friends are praying for me. My church is supporting me. I lack for nothing and I am believing truth about myself and my past.

In the beginning of this, I thought that my emotions and intuitions couldn't be trusted in this area because of the struggles I was having. Maybe that's true. In the beginning I had no emotion but fear. I had no intuition but the logical assumption (based on mathematical probability) that I could hope for no better. I assumed that my fear was rooted in my issues, and that as I dealt with my issues, my emotions would come into line.

I have been begging God to give me clarity and to line up my emotions. I have been refusing the lies in my mind and going instead to God. The funny thing is, that the more I do this, the less I want to spend time with this boy, the boy who began it all. My intuition is telling me that there is no future with him.

I used to think that I had no choice but to commit to the first guy to show an interest in me, because I couldn't hope for many to come along. That is so twisted. No wonder I felt the way I did. No wonder a date feels almost like a chore.

I still don't know. I'm not sure. I feel like I'm finding a glimmer of clarity, and my intuition is returning to me, and I'm beginning to trust it. My intuition, after all, has seldom steered me wrong. All of my worst choices, in retrospect, were made in spite of my intuition.

So we'll see.

2005-10-05T23:47:00.000-05:00

I bought a new bible. I thought if I had one that weighed less than ten pounds I might be persuaded to bring it with me places, like church or house group or something. So I now have a spiffy "Message" pocket size bible in a lovely browny yellow. So far I like it, though I haven't actually read it.... yet.

Abu is progressing with her obedience lessons, though I think she's a little bored. The first couple days we practiced, she learned everything and performed all that was asked of her, but now she's antsy and jumpy. Like "yeah yeah I know this, what else?" Regardless, we have to practice practice practice. Hopefully we can zoom through the obedience stuff so we can move on to the fun..... flyball and agility. One of the owners at the dog park gave me a dvd he made of the Kaos Dogsports agility demos and they are fantastic..... Just the challenge Abu needs to keep her on her toes, and by the looks of things, I might get some exercise too.

Watched Snatch today. Pretty good, but turn the "pikey subtitles" on. Brad Pitt does an excellent job of being incomprehensible.

I'm tired. Bon, we will talk. Nighty night.

2005-09-26T22:06:00.000-05:00

Well I think I may have gotten myself into a relationship, and in so doing discovered some personal issues that need to be dealt with. I'm feeling very vulnerable and unsure of myself. I took a on online test to gaze deep into my aura, and while I disagreed with some points, I thought the results captured the way I feel. Here goes:

littlebear took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs release from stress. Longs for peace, tranqu..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

2005-09-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

I've been isolating certain mindsets, lies, and self preservation tactics that have been complicating my interaction with planet earth. It's funny how a small, select group of childhood incidents can manifest in so many different handicaps. I thought I had dealt, but old irritations become a whole new monster in fresh situations.

I think that most of us don't realize the weight that the words of our fathers carry. A positive word from my father can bring me so high, but the negative things that he speaks do so much damage. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me the way he does, he doesn't understand the power of his words. Maybe he thinks that because he was never around, he doesn't carry the weight of "father" to me. But he does. It's difficult to align your thinking when the words of your father contradict the truth of God.

For example, I go to a housegroup dominated by married individuals. In fact, I am the only person there who has never been married, thus, I am constantly barraged by jokes about "when am I getting married." I was wondering why I so easily came back with sarcastic comments about the grief of marriage. In fact, it was getting worse and worse, until one day I remembered something my dad said shortly after my stepmother attempted suicide.

"Don't get married, it's nothing but bullshit."

Of course I recognized that he was speaking out of deep hurt. Of course I understood that my dad is not an expert on the subject of relationships. Still it affected me. It shouldn't have. But what goes up, must come down, and a father's words speak volumes, even when they're wrong.

So I'm learning where some of my mindsets and hangups come from and questioning God about how to correct the matter. Honestly, I knew the time was coming, and I think it has now come..... I must confront the next rash of mental and spiritual reconditioning. I had a nice respite. Things have been fantastic, and will continue to be. But if I'm a bit bitchy in the future, now you know why. I might not have much to say here, but if something comes up that I think is applicable in a general sense, I may pass it on.

Now I must sleep. You should too.

2005-09-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

Some students from south Carolina drove a little four door into new orleans and evacuated a bunch of people. Read the story here.

Thousands of people sitting in squalor because for some reason the government can't accomplish what these guys in their two wheel drive could. Makes you realize just how close we all are to 3rd world-ness.

link via The Heresy

2005-09-14T22:36:00.000-05:00

It would appear that we have successfully weaned Abu off the kennel, and she now stays home alone all day with full access to the whole house, yet destroys nothing. Fantastic. She did great at obedience school too.

I have a headache. I've got some things on my mind.

Sometimes it seems like the things which come so easily to so many people are foreign and uncomfortable to me. This hardly seems fair, and I object quite strongly.

The song in my head is Swan Dive by Ani Difranco, one of my very favourite songs and one that lends me courage as I navigate the treacherous relational waters of planet earth.

goodnight

2005-09-11T00:13:00.000-05:00

Bad Guy: I see your stick is too short to win.
Jet Li: If yours were harder it wouldn't bend like that.

Hahahahahahahahah. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha.

I went out today. With a boy.

2005-09-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to say..... life goes on much as it always has. Abu starts obedience school on saturday. I will put off tai chi lessons until I know how this year is going to go. Rumor has it that I'm starting a house group, helping with the youth, playing in worship, taking my dog to the park and to obedience school AND working 50 hours a week while maintaining a household. Can I do it? Is there room for tai chi? Is there room to NOT do tai chi? Like that little saying, "Too busy to not pray."

Amidst all of this I've got to finish playing through Final Fantasy VII before the CG movie sequel comes out.

So I guess I'm pretty busy, or rather I will be. Where will I draw my boundaries?? I guess we'll find out.

Anyways,that's what's up. maybe more. we'll see. I'll let you know.

Oh yes, and I bought a deep freeze.

goodnight

2005-08-30T11:11:00.000-05:00

I have been on holidays. It's good to take a holiday. I was camping in my parents trailer in a lovely little campground at St. Malo. This location boasts poo colored water with loads of seaweed but also secluded campsites surrounded by something I have been missing in saskatchewan....... TREES!! So many trees. I spent most of my time soaking up their chi and reading the memoirs of Nelson Mandela.

I also bought a book called "The Art of Happiness at Work" which essentially the record of a number of conversations held with the Dalai Lama on the subject of.... well.... work. Last but not least, "The Silmarillion" by Tolkien. The Silmarillion is a book I've read before, and to be quite honest it captured my imagination more so than LOTR. It's essentially a mythology of Middle Earth, starting with the creation of Middle Earth by the Iluvatar and ending somewhere in the middle of LOTR. It's far more brief but covers a fantastic period of time and many many stories concerning the relations between the first elves and the governing powers of the earth...... I love it.

I started each of these books but spent the bulk of the time reading Mandela's book, "Long Walk to Freedom." Mandela has long been one of my heros, and I enjoyed cross referencing his account of the fall of apartheid with one of my favorite movies, Sarafina, which is a musical drama about the student uprising in Soweto which contributed to international pressure on the South African government.

Aside from compulsive reading, Abu and I took many walks, and she had a good time swimming in the poo water. She'll be going to the groomer promptly. My parents and sister joined me, and it was good to see them. I probably won't be going back before Christmas, when my stepsister will probably have a brand new baby.

As nice as a holiday is, it's wonderful to be home again. Abu's joy is obvious. She slept beside me in bed all night long, almost unheard of, and she is curled up on my bed as I right this. I'm waiting for panago to open so I can order some breakfast, and I think I'll do a little online shopping to celebrate a succesful holiday.

Auntie Wanda, if you're out there, I wanted to see you but it just got too busy. Let's try to cross paths at christmas?

Now I must get back to my post holiday recuperation.

2005-08-18T21:20:00.000-05:00

Well, there's this "thing" going around and supposedly I got "tagged" so I'm gonna be a good sport and participate. I'm supposed to be dying my roots but alas, I love to procrastinate. So here we go.

10 years ago today: I was bounding through meadows and forests with my trusty german shepherd at my side. Belle accompanied me on all my trespassing adventures, though by that time she was arthritic and deaf.

1 year ago today: I was suffering through the last stretch of my janitorial days, agonizing about whether or not to give my notice and move to Regina.

yesterday: work, Dogpark, mow lawn, do dishes, take shower, go to bed.

tomorrow: take dog to vet, fill up with gas, pack for holidays, go to bed early.

5 snacks I enjoy: Betty Crocker rainbow bit icing, nachos and salsa, lays salt'n vinegar chips, herring fillets in hot sauce, strawberries with milk.

5 adult beverages I enoy: Corona, pineapple breezers, Corona, mike's hard anything, Corona.

5 bands I know the lyrics to: Ani Difranco, Our Lady Peace, Avril Lavigne (ack) Janet Jackson, Blink 182.

5 things I would do with $100 000 000: pay off debt, buy a house, buy some stuff for people I like, reclaim the sahara desert to feed africa, or start a bunch of children's homes.

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Hmmmm...... Liberia, Tibet, Cambodia, Morocco, The Amazon.

5 bad habits I have: Procrastination, nose picking, ass scratching, eating take out, swearing.

5 things I love doing: Taking Abu to the dogpark, playing video games, laying in grass, climbing trees, yard work.

5 things I would never wear: Pink, halter tops, banana clips, tight pants, loafers.

5 TV shows I like: Friends, Star Trek, MXC, Joan of Arcadia, Simpsons.

5 movies I like: The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys, The United States of Leland, Donnie Darko, Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle, Kill Bill....... oh my gosh there are so many I could go on all day.

5 famous people I'd like to meet: The Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Ani Difranco, Angelina Jolie, Lauryn Hill.

5 favorite toys: My dog (oh she's not a toy?), cell phone, computer, ps2, DVD collection, car (zoom zoom).

5 people to tag: this took too long. I won't do it to anyone else ;)

2005-08-11T20:01:00.000-05:00

I wrote some stuff yesterday but blogger went down for service right before I hit post. I have no intention of repeating anything I said then, since it's no longer current. For those of you who are curious about what I'm up to, not much. The kinda big thing was the possibility of buying a house but in the name of practicality I'm not gonna push it. Probably in about a year I'll be ready. This is disappointing in that the house I had my eye on won't be available when I'm ready for it, but it's also nice. Just another reminder that God is in control. I'll have a house when He wants me to, and it will be the right house for me. When a door closes like this, it's almost encouraging, because it reminds me that maybe I was settling, and there's a better plan down the road. Sometimes I get tired of waiting for the better, when I'd just as soon settle for the acceptable. I have to remind myself to be patient, and not to fall asleep while I wait.

I feel more focused than I have in a long time. Even though life seems tedious, the routine of work and sleep isn't really getting me down. It should feel pointless and dreary but it doesn't. I don't feel anticipation but I am looking forward to something.

My holidays maybe. One just over a week I'll be heading back to manitoba to do a little visiting and camping. I look forward to things like..... trees...... and hills.... and all the people I've been missing, a change of scenery, a long drive. A solid block of down time.

I constantly wonder what's next for me, but I know that if I'm patient and wait for God's cue, it'll be far better than anything I could come up with.

So. That's it. Till we meet again.

2005-07-23T23:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I just watched Hotel Rwanda. Those of us who where lucky enough to be born in priviledged circumstances will probably never know the terror that is experienced every day by millions of people around the world..... sometimes I wonder why it is that the violent people seem to outnumber the rest, but today it suddenly came clear to me.... the good, honest, gentle people have no defense against guns, machetes, mines, grenades. They are in short supply because they are the ones caught in the crossfire. Those who are most deserving of life are the ones who are most easily destroyed. Sometimes when I think about the terrible things that happen that it all seems so hopeless, trying to make things better.

One scene that particularly affected me was when all the foreigners were evacuated from rwanda. White missionaries clung to rwandan children who screamed and cried as their caregivers where pulled away and put on a bus. It reminded me of the day I left the Dixville orphanage, and passed a crying five year old to an adult as we were ushered onto a bus thronged with children and driven away. I felt so helpless. I felt like I was abandoning these kids and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. How much worse would it have been with gunshots in the distance, men waving semi-automatic rifles in your face and the almost certain likelihood that every one of those children would be viciously killed by machetes upon your departure.

I can't imagine. It's easy to feel helpless when you're in Canada, with your running water and the cop shop down the street. All you do is turn on the tv and watch some cheezy romantic comedy and fantasize about your white picket fence happily ever after ending. But what if you had to look those people in the eye in the hour of their greatest suffering, or their deepest terror..... all of a sudden your personal comfort becomes less of a priority.

I was in africa, but now I'm not. I've been watching movies all day, with the exception of a trip to the supermarket (where I bought all the food I wanted) and a jaunt in the dog park (where canadian dogs are more priviledged than most of the world's children). I feel helpless today but it doesn't matter because I've got digital cable tv with all the movie central channels.

A good friend of mine has just left Liberia and is now living in a refugee camp in ghana. He is surrounded by disease and violence and filth, and there's nothing I can do but pray for his safety and his paperwork to go swiftly so he can come to Canada. Then I will pray that he never becomes as complacent as I am.

Today I also watched the Bourne Supremacy, The Prince and Me, Hero and Big Fish. Of these, I liked Big Fish the best.

2005-07-12T20:19:00.000-05:00

Well, abu is feeling better. a vet visit, 74 dollars and a whole bunch of rice and boiled beef, my puppy is starting to return to her former self, in tiny spurts, between frequent bouts of exhaustion. she hasn't eaten a proper meal since thursday night, and finally today I was able to coax about a tablespoon of digestive rescue formula into her empty little tummy. She's lost 5 pounds..... alot, when you only weigh 40.

The vet didn't really know what was wrong with her. She kept throwing up and refused to eat, getting weaker and weaker by the day, but God only knows why. A hydrating IV with an anti-vomit kick settled her for the night, during which she was permitted only to lick ice cubes. This morning I stayed home from work for 3 hours to perform the delicate balance of administering and observing. Drink some water.... one hour without vomit earns a little rice and a little more water.

breakfast thus served, I went to work, where I was very tense and anxious. I raced home to find abu in high spirits, even jumping up (under normal circumstances, very annoying, today, fantastic) She eagerly had somer more rice..... stopping at about a tablespoon.

my poor baby. soon as she's feeling up to speed, we're going to the off leash park.

2005-07-11T22:40:00.000-05:00

abu is very sick.

Since my domain name is about to expire, I'm gonna publish this site to bearintransition.blogspot.com just in case I feel like posting. but I make no promises.

2005-06-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

I'm going to meadow lake to spend the weekend with chimwemwe's family. sweet.

I think it's time to shoot this old horse. I have nothing to say. I'll keep you posted.

2005-06-18T23:29:00.000-05:00

boy#1: it's because your clothes create drag
boy#2: but I thought you always reach terminal velocity
boy#1: you do, but your terminal velocity is higher
boy#2: when you're naked
boy#1: Yeah

just imagine the inspired conversation of four twenty something guys talking about skydiving naken. where can this conversation go? how many different ways can they incorporate references to the family jewels?

come to work with me and you'll find out.

boys are dumb.

2005-06-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

Well.....

Had another dog on the doorstep tonight..... brought over by the self same individual of questionable intelligence and/or integrity from whom I bought the lawnmower that didn't work.

Oh, I didn't tell you that story? I bought a lawnmower from jabba the hut and his brain activity challenged "wife" so they could "celebrate his birthday." After a few tweeks I finally got the business to work and as it turns out, I think it's a mulcher, which means that my good deal is even better.

Wouldn't you know it, the same woman turns up with their dog (the spitting image of abu, but far too skinny) and wants to sell it to me for $35. She says they have "sniffers" for neighbors and want to move out of town.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but will it not cost a little more than $35 to move out of town and find a new place? Or does a bottle of Captain Morgan go for about that much?

I told her that I will provide the service of finding a home for the dog, but I will not pay her for my trouble. We're wondering if we'll have another dog by the end of the night. Maybe she'll find someone who wants to pay her for that smelly sack of exuberance, but in a way I hope not. True, having another dog here is more than I really want to deal with, but at least while he's here he'll get plenty of food, and when he leaves it will be with some super nice people carefully screened by yours truly.

I hate to see a dog suffer. Dogs are so loyal and devoted, they don't deserve to be starved and neglected by the people they love. Kinda like kids.

2005-06-05T21:31:00.000-05:00

Hey guys I know I suck at posting lately, but I've posted a bunch of pics over at my photo blog...... finally. Mostly the dogs. Suki went home with her new family yesterday. They saw our ad in the paper and called us at 8 in the morning. By 10 we could have given that puppy away 10 times. Seems like everyone you talk to needs a dog like they need a hole in the head, but you put an ad in the paper, and all of a sudden everyone needs a dog, even if it is a border collie scrub. A very nice family came over, with their two young kids.

Puppies have a way of embedding themselves into your family, so that even after just two weeks, even after inconveniencing you at every turn, you don't want to just hand them over to any human who comes along. You want to make sure she has good puppy chow, and someone to play with, and a big yard, and that no one will raise their voice at her or make her scared, and you want her to keep her name, and that first night you want to be there to make sure she's not afraid or lonely in her new home.

So I had been praying since her first night here that we could find the right home for her, and sooner rather than later, before we got too attached. I feel confident that God has provided just that, and what's more, she gets to keep her name. So, we took a family portrait, and sent suki to her new home, then settled down to listen to the silence that took over the house.

We've kept the animals busy to keep their minds off it. Everything is back to normal. I bought "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and "American History X." Both excellent films, but Eternal Shine is a real trip. It definitely got me thinking, but I think I'd have more appreciation for it if I had ever been part of any romantic relationship. Let's face it, most love stories rely on fantasy, but Eternal Sunshine is a little different. Watch it and you'll see what I mean, and why I couldn't quite relate. Beautifully filmed and completely original, not to mention well acted. American History X is an extremely gritty of an ex neo nazi who gets out of jail only to find that his brother is following the very same path. Not always easy to watch, or listen to, but amazing nonetheless. Addresses a lot of very pertinent social issues.

Now I gotta go. have a good night.

2005-05-30T23:11:00.000-05:00

"You have one responsibility: to be a dickhead. How hard is that?? All you have to do is make sure your head is a dick, and it's attached to your neck."
Patch Adams

2005-05-26T19:36:00.000-05:00

I have got a crick in my neck the size of a baseball and it's totally subluxating my chi.

In the meantime, our brand new little shitmachine has been digging in the backyard, so I've been burying the products of her overactive bowels in her cleverly dug holes. The upside? The existing holes won't get any deeper. The downside? New holes.

Here's a pic of suki.

So far, she's dug some impressive holes, chewed my last bra in half, peed in nearly every room in the house, escaped from her kennel area in the garage twice (proceeding to knock over a jerry can of gasoline) and fallen off the coffee table upon realizing that I would kill her if she ever did it again.

But she looks so innocent, you say? Yes, they all do. It's the genius of puppies.

I know you want to take her home. You do. You know someone who does. I'll even throw in housetraining and a fantastic red collar. Come. come get her.

I realized today that it's only two weeks until chimwemwe comes back. wow. I expect her to be busy..... She's got a wedding to plan. I don't expect to see much of her, but even so.... it's the next big thing to look forward to. You know how it is when you have nothing to look forward to? Life looses all its color and the menial tasks that comprise your days become so difficult to perform..... So I try to make sure I always have something to look forward to. Sometimes you have to invent something.

The rat pack wants to come back inside. I should go make sure they get everything they want lest they terrorize my family and burn my house down.

2005-05-22T22:33:00.000-05:00

Well, I took Abu for a walk.

A neighborhood kid who I have gotten to know brought a puppy out to see Abu. She said she had found it in the back alley, and was going to ask her dad if she could keep it, and she wanted to know if I would give her dog food.

I told her, that if she wanted to have a dog, then she needed to be able to get it dog food. I had a feeling that her parents wouldn't allow her to keep the dog. I looked at the puppy.... she was maybe three months old. She was all black, aside from a bit of white on her chin, and a bit of white on her chest. Really, she looked a lot like Abu did as a puppy, though her head was a little small and her tail more whiplike. I knew that she would wind up right back in that alley. I knew it.

So I said it. I said "if your dad says no, you bring her to my house, and I'll make sure she finds a good home." That's what I said. I said it twice for good measure. Then I went to my roomie's parents for dinner.

I came home to find the girl on her bike, and the puppy following her, in front of my house, waiting for me to come home. "dad said no," she said, so together we brought the puppy into my house. I knew how that little girl felt. I had seen earlier that day that the puppy had already bonded to her. "I'm gonna miss her" she said. I assured her that she would find a home with lots of food and lots of love, and that I'd let her know what happened.

So that's that. For a little while at least, we have a new member in this household. I've named her Suki, meaning "beloved." I plan to find her a home where she will be exactly that.

2005-05-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

There's something I want to say but I'm having trouble reaching it.

A couple things are going through my head. A friend emailed me, mentioning the speed at which life can change completely. It's true, something could happen tomorrow that would render my life unrecognizable. Not a single one of us can say with certainty that we'll live out the week, though we hope that we will, and we make a lot of plans based on our desires and priorities, and we imagine where we'll be five, ten years down the road.

I've never been one to plan ahead. I think ahead, sure, but I don't tend to plan. This is maybe the reason that I'm a grimy production worker while other people are pursuing their lifelong dreams of being neurosurgeons or astronomers or superstore cashiers. I think I've always been afraid that making plans would somehow eliminate all sorts of other things that I hadn't planned for, and I was always one who wanted to experience everything. I have always been the laughingstock of my family, because my aspirations were so varied that of course they could never all come into being. How can you be a veterinarian, and inventor, an explorer, a missionary, and computer scientist all in one lifetime, while travelling to africa and the far east, rafting the mississippi, writing science fiction novels and still find time for your twelve dogs? There are those who might find time for all this by the time their 98 years have expired but let's not forget that I have no intention of living that long, and I despise school with a hatred that exceeds even my distaste for republicans and french poodles.

So. Go to school, they say. Take "computers" or "journalism." I ask you, if I am taking computers or journalism, how can I be an astronaut? And when will I work on my diabolical scheme to reclaim the sahara and feed the multitudes?

I am not an unrealistic person. In fact, I am infuriatingly pragmatic, and so of course, I have no lofty expectations. I do, however, entertain a miniscule possibility that I could be missing out on something very exciting while I proceed on the set plan for my life. If there is no set plan, then anything could happen.

But will anything happen?

My friend says that life can change quickly, and I believe her, because I've seen it with my own three eyes. So during these slow times, these ordinary, tedious, uneventful days of drudgery, I cling to the philosophy that I somehow adopted sometime in my life, I can't remember when.

Whatever will be, will be

And there is room there for the threefold mantra:
Jesus is Lord, He cares, and He has a plan.

Jesus plans ahead so I don't have to. But He doesn't tell me what He's planning. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I cling to it nonetheless. Particularly on nights like tonight, when I'm bored spitless.

2005-05-18T07:34:00.000-05:00

Well, this is the second day in a row that I managed to get up at a decent time.... so I have time to blog before work, if you can believe it, but I have little to say. I think a kid cut through my yard this morning. I wish they'd just stay out, and what's he doing up so early anyways?

Did I mention that Chimwemwe's getting married?? Well she is, and due to land in Regina in about 3 weeks. I'm getting a different visitor this weekend, one I haven't actually met, but who sounds very interesting. In one month I'll have paid off my Future Shop card and will be starting in on Mastercard. I planted a lawn and plan to go out and buy plants this weekend.

All of these things are very exciting, but not as exciting as going to work, which is my perpetual joy, one of those wonderful wonderful things you can always count on to march right in, interrupt the weekend and RUIN YOUR LIFE WITH THE SANDING AND THE CUTTING AND THE STANDING AND THE NOISE!!!!

so away I go. have a nice day.

2005-05-15T19:37:00.000-05:00

"I can't believe you got expelled!!! Now we have to find a different school for you, and if you get expelled from that one, you're going straight to the army, and they'll send you to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea, Iran perhaps?? Anything's possible with Commander Coocoo Banana in charge!!!"
~ Homer Simpson

2005-05-12T21:06:00.000-05:00

Apparently, there is a man surplus going on right about now.

I'll believe it when I see it. At my doorstep. With a case of Corona.

And a wedge of lime.

2005-05-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

You wanna know what I don't get?? "Everybody Loves Raymond"

Everybody does not love Raymond. I don't know a single person who loves raymond. In fact, everybody I know HATES raymond.

So why is "raymond" on my tv ALL THE TIME???? It was bad enough when it was on channels 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 12 between the hours of 5 and midnight, but now it will be displacing Friends and Seinfeld on TBS EVERY FRICKING WEEKDAY NIGHT!!!

Everybody does not love Raymond. I, for one, despise Raymond. Get off my tv, you despicable little man, you and your nosy mother and your stupid brother.

Out, damn spot!!! Out I say!!

2005-05-08T21:48:00.000-05:00

I was watching tv when I noticed Abu standing at the window growling. I didn't expect to see what she was growling at, but I got up to take a look just to set her at ease. I was very nearly scared spitless by a face peering into the window.

It was my three year old neighbour from any one of three houses down at the end of the block.

You could ask the question, what is a lone three year old doing this far from home? I don't really wonder any more. I'm used to seeing little kids running around in the street, and whatever the reason, it is what it is.

I tied Abu on a long lead in the front yard and got to work on a massive pile of dirt left from last year's sewer break repair. I'd been planning for a while to break up the pile and spread the dirt over the entire front yard, and spread new grass seed. As I worked, more kids came to play with Abu and "help" with the yard. In this manner I got to know five kids.

It's a start. It's been a good weekend. With the neighbour's help I got the eavestrough unplugged and from another neighbour I got some sound advice regarding the flower bed. It's good to have the bulk of the work done. There's still alot to do, but in smaller pieces. Next weekend I plan to start planting.

In the search for direction, sometimes the small things are the most important. Sure, I don't know what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life, but this afternoon I knew that I should get to know my neighbours. God will lead me step by step.

Alas, the day has come to an end, and despite the weekend's hard work, I must get back to working hard tomorrow. Yes, I am a machine.

Away I go. Still have to duct tape the vaccuum cleaner back together.

2005-05-05T22:35:00.000-05:00

After giving the last weekend some thought, my brain has gone in a very different direction than one might expect. I think I'm gonna look into the big sister program or some other one on one mentoring program with the kids in the neighborhood, and take advantage of the summer by getting to know the kids around here.

There are no bad kids. That doesn't mean I'll take the padlocks off the gates.

Sometimes my neighborhood reminds me of being in africa. I get that feeling of not understanding the people and culture in which I find myself immersed. The people here are primarily native american, and sadly, many stereotypes appear to apply. These are not bad people, but they are people I don't understand and feel intimidated by. I visibly stand out so I feel vulnerable. All the while I see these kids running around like wild animals and my heart goes out to them.

I keep thinking about this cycle of poverty I keep hearing about, what it does to people, how it makes them act, how it keeps them stuck. I keep asking myself why a kid steals a dog. Every kid needs a dog because every kid needs a friend.

I feel bad that that kid doesn't have a dog of his own.

What was that Jesus said?? If a man takes your coat, don't ask for it back. Does that apply to dogs? Is there a reason for everything? I can't get these kids out of my head.

2005-05-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

Some neighborhood punks tried to dognap Abu today. I was very upset.....very very very very upset.

My roommate had been home for about 10 minutes when I realized that Abu hadn't come inside with her, so I asked her, Abu didn't want to come in when you got home? To which she replied that Abu wasn't in the yard, wasn't she in the house? No, I say, she's not in the house, which is when investigate the gates to find out that both the front and back gates have been opened, and my dog is gone.

I leave the yard and start calling her. She doesn't come. A couple kids come along and say they caught a dog, and lead me to a yard where they say the put a stray dog. The dog is not Abu. We leave the yard and the boys continue to yammer about where the dog might be. I take the leader of the pack to my gate and show him the latch and the wire and explain to him that I know someone has opened the gate on purpose, because the dog cannot have opened the gate by herself. I tell him that if he can find my dog and bring her back, I will give him two dollars. Then I proceed into the back alley, and continue calling my dog.

In about a minute the boys come after me, saying my dog has been found, and they all want two dollars. I give the ringleader four dollars and tell him to distribute it, then gather them all and explain that I KNOW someone has opened both of my gates and if I find any of them letting my dog out, I will be extremely angry.

At this point an older boy lurking around on a bike confesses to opening the gate.

My roommate arrives. She had put the dog in the house before I got there, but she's missing her collar. The boys know where the collar is, and run off to get it. The collar comes back...... without her tags.

After the boys leave, my roommate tells me that the boys did not indeed find my dog. Rather, she had heard Abu barking at another dog in the back alley and went to get her and bring her home. We went next door to discuss it with our neighbour, who thought she saw Abu being led on a rope, but thought she must be mistaken.

I figure the kids decided to remove the tags in order to keep the dog, and in order to do so removed the collar. Little did they know that Abu, sans collar, is a formidable foe. I give her 10 seconds at the most to make good her escape and another 5 to leave her pursuers in the dust. Having lost the dog, it made the most sense to scam the owner for four bucks.

It's been a long time since I've been so upset, frightened, frustrated, enraged. All I could think was what if I've lost my puppy? What if she gets hit by a car or held captive and I never see her again? What if she winds up tied up and emaciated in someone's back yard and becomes mean and vicious? What is life without Abu? What would I do?

Oh my gosh I can't even go there...... tomorrow I'm picking up chains and locks. Those gates are staying closed.

2005-04-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

I figured out what happened to the dinosaurs, and wouldn't you like to know. My theory answers a lot of questions regarding neanderthals, evolution, and the classic question of why apes are still hanging around if they are our supposed ancestors. Now that you're curious I'm gonna stop talking about it.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. The truth of the matter is I've had a hard week and generally feeling shat on in a lot of different ways. I didn't feel like I knew what was bothering me but now at least some things are coming clear to me. If I don't have solutions, at least I can see the things that are bugging me. Answers will come. My breathing has cleared up, and tomorrow I'll be spending some time at the spa in moose jaw unwinding my clenched muscles.

Talking to Jack tonight really helped. I didn't realize how bothered I was until I started crying on the phone. It's good to release that pressure. We had some good laughs too. I'm glad she called.

That book about hearing from God, I'll continue reading it, and let you know if I find anything lifechanging.

2005-04-27T18:24:00.000-05:00

Okay, that book is boring me. My mind wanders mid sentence. Every time I reach to pick it up, my hand comes back with a fantasy novel about dragons and gryphons and elves and dark knights. That novel will keep me enraptured all flipping night.

I am currently recovering from an almost anxiety-attack in an otherwise anxiety free week. Don't ask me how that works, but when I feel it coming on I just lay down on my back and don't move until the tonne of bricks removes itself from my chest. My chiropractor said that next time the doctor tries to tell me there's nothing wrong with me without actually checking it out, I should also mention pain in my face and arms. I guess that would mean I was having a heart attack at the age of 24.

Also, on the weekend I began work on my "zen garden" or at least that's what I'm calling it. All that remains is to hit the greenhouse for some ivy and bamboo.

Hmmmmm..... what else?? my good friend Chris in Liberia has found himself without home and very sick. Many of the kids are sick, and one of them has run away. Randall has written me a letter saying he's well, but I haven't heard from Frank. I hope that's not a bad sign. Seems like a lot of bad news is coming out of liberia these days.

I've been grouchy. Something's been bugging me. Not the weather. well.... partly the weather.

There's firetrucks and ambulances on the street. I hope my house isn't burning down. If it is, I'll stay right here until the beautiful firefighter comes to rescue me.

I'm hungry.

2005-04-13T20:23:00.000-05:00

THE BEGINNERS GUIDE TO HEARING GOD, CHAPTER TWO

Well, let's start with the verses.

"But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go awa; for if I do not go away, the Helper shall not come to you; but if I go, I will send Him to you." John 16:7

"However, when He, the Spirit of Truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come." John 16:13

"When the Helper comes, who I will send to you from the Father, that is the Spirit of Truth, who proceeds from the Father, He will bear witness of Me." John 15:26

Okay, guess what this chapter is about? The lesser publicized, somewhat more notorious member of the Trinity, Mr. Holy Spirit Himself. The gift that keeps on giving.

Getting to know the Holy Spirit is every bit as important as getting to know God and Jesus. The Holy Spirit was sent here in Jesus' absence to instruct us in all manner of...... instruction. He is to be our Helper, Comforter, and Guide, and let's be frank, He can't be any of these things without the personal relationship and communication alluded to in chapter one.

The book compares the Holy Spirit to a private tutor, always personally available for personal assistance with everything from break ups to computer problems. He is entrusted with our spiritual maturity.

Honestly, that's pretty much it. The Holy Spirit is our teacher, and the more accustomed we get to accepting His instruction, the better we become at discerning His voice. This point is driven home through repetition and a couple stories.

I think the Holy Spirit is prompting me to make some dinner.

2005-04-10T14:16:00.000-05:00

THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO HEARING GOD, CHAPTER ONE

As in all "teaching" books, chapter one is a wordy presentation of the basic thesis. In this book, chapter one goes to great lengths to express three main thoughts. We NEED to hear God's voice, we CAN hear God's voice, and God WANTS us to hear His voice. The scriptures presented are:

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. John 10:27

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with Me. Revelation 3:20

The book suggests that everyone has a deep inner longing to hear God's voice, which is a blanket statement without proof, but I agree nevertheless. I think the evidence can be found in the popularity of psychic consultation and other supernatural fascinations. It seems like everyone is fascinated and eager to hear from "the other side" and you see this in the church too, with people constantly looking to the prophetic voices to find out what God is saying. The trouble is, and what this book is saying, is that it's God's desire to speak to each of us individually.

Being children of God, it is our birthright to have an actual relationship with God, and as we all know, every relationship requires some sort of communication.

Communication at it's purest was between Adam and Eve and God, before sin came into the picture. Jesus came to restore us to communion with God, the way it was before sin.

As we all know, communication is a two way street. Most of us are very adept at talking to God. We mostly do so when we're upset or need help, but how many of us spend as much time listening to God as we do talking at him? If it's only going one way, it's not truly communication.

"True love requires being together. The greatest key to hearing God's voice is cultivating a love based relationship."

One other thought presented is that hearing God's voice is not the only thing that we need to learn, but how to separate or discern God's voice from all the other "voices." This is an area of particular concern for me, since my mind is so constantly turning that I know I have heard God's voice but ignored it, mistaking if for more of the same nonsense that's constantly going through my head, only to find out later that God was indeed speaking.

It's possible to learn from those who have gone before us, who regularly heard God's voice. Adam and Eve, for example, heard God's voice UNTIL they disobeyed it. Thus we can conclude that disobedience is a barrier to hearing God. Who are others who we know had relatively clear communication? The book mentions Abraham, Daniel, Elijah, Moses and Mary, all of whom made certain sacrifices or had certain experiences that taught them how to hear God's voice in different ways. As I was reading this section I was brought back to the topic of the Lordship of Jesus, and laying down one's rights. This isn't just about hearing God, it's about submitting oneself to a life that honors those things that He says, and obeys His requests.

At the end, the book asks you to rate your desperation to Hear God on a scale of 1 -10, and then asks about your own experiences with hearing God. What did it sound like, and did you recognize it as God?

2005-04-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

I purchased a book called "The Beginner's Guide to Hearing God" written by Jim Goll, who is one of the dudes I heard speak at the prophetic conference. I don't know if it's any good, but I do know that I want to hear God, also that I want to keep my faith simple. So, I thought that this book would be perfect. Written simply enough for a "beginner" on a topic that I would like to focus on.

I decided, while at church this morning, that I would use this space to flesh out what I read in the book. Thus, the topic of this site from now until I'm finished the book, is Hearing God. For those of you who have no trouble conducting a continuous conversation with the Almighty, don't worry. It's a short book. For the rest of you, I will attempt to reiterate as clearly as possible what I'm reading. I learned a long time ago that the best way to learn something is to teach it to someone else.

If you are offended by the prospect of an anonymous young female teaching on her site, then go visit EmergentNo, where they believe that the only people capable of understanding or teaching God's Word are male clergy. If not, stay tuned. I'm reading chapter one this afternoon.

2005-04-09T16:05:00.000-05:00

today abu and I found broken beer bottles in the school yard. beautiful.

Since the schoolyard is mostly fenced in and seldom has children in it, I took abu there to give her a run and refresh her on the whole "come here" scenario. Apparently the run did her good, because instead of running back and forth across the house or mauling me every 30 seconds, she's passed out on the kitchen floor panting like she's gonna die.

Boy, can that dog ever run.

Personally, I think that throwing beer bottles into an elementary school playground is pretty low. That's just me though.

We took them home. Guess I'll go throw them in the dumpster now.

2005-04-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

By way of Leighton, who is proficient at summarizing complicated matters for non-detail minded people such as myself, I visited EmergentNo a christian site dedicated to the criticism of the emergent church.

Now, let me just say, that I haven't bothered myself with details about the "Emerging Church" mainly because I'm a word person, so I tend to think that the name tells me everything I need to know. The Emerging Church is a church which is emerging, thus, it is new, small, and has to do with fresh ways of looking at old things. That sounds good to me, because I am young, disenchanted with old, ineffective dogma, and hate large crowds. Am I part of the emerging church? I don't know, probably. Is my church an "emergent church?" Maybe, I couldn't say for sure. Am I familiar with doctrine or literature that influences the emerging church? No, not really.

I guess the reason I mention all this is because I find all the details bothersome. Christians will always throw stones at one another, simply because they don't agree on details, and they refuse to consider that maybe they could learn something from the people they understand the least. As far as the people writing at EmergentNo, I feel almost as though I know them, they are the people I was raised by, went to church with, was rejected and put down by, and eventually put behind me. They wanted me to sweat the details, and for a while I played along, debated their theology, and in doing so realized that correct or not, it somehow carried no power. Something was wrong, it had to be, because the the original church was an explosion, it grew by thousands a day. People were radically saved and changed and baptized...... but in the here and now, being "right" wasn't accomplishing much of anything, aside from more and more denominations, and more and more churches.

The town I grew up in was the "church capital" of canada, with more churches per capita than any other town, and most of those churches conservative mennonite churches.

The way I see it, every church movement that I have studied (my studies are brief, like my attention span, so my knowledge is far from complete) has been emergent. The original church emerged from the martyrdom of a heretical teacher, Jesus. The Catholic church emerged out of something, but I don't know what, because I don't see much of what they're doing in scripture. The Lutherans emerged out of another dude's "heretical" letter nailed to the door of the catholic church. The Mennonites emerged out of religious persecution, and at the time was an effective, dynamic, growing movement. Each movement slowed down, became stagnant, and then persecuted the following movement, which thrived and flourished and grew until it too became stagnant.

We have to consider the possibility that "church" as we know it has become stagnant, and that somewhere, somehow, the Church can become fresh again, and grow, and become powerful and relevant. Rest assured, however, that should you follow God into a fresh movement, the others will be there to criticize and persecute.

As for me, I don't like details, and I don't like living in a box. I believe that Jesus was telling the truth when he said that "true religion" is taking care of widows and orphans, and that the whole law and all the prophets hang on two simple directives, "Love God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself." I believe that my faith can be as simple as that. I believe that all the details will line themselves up when you put the horse before the cart. My faith as a teenager and growing up was a lot more complicated, but then, I was a lot more miserable, my relationship with God stunted and frustrating, and my life a cesspool of guilt and striving. The older I get, the less I know (scary, because I'm not very old, and it seems I know very little already) but it's better that way. I guess that Jesus was handing over a great piece of wisdom when He said "You can know a tree by the fruit it bears."

I went to the regional prophetic conference last night, and listened to Wesley Campbell talk about desperate condition of 75% of the world, the incredible population of the world, and the prophesied church growth that will come before the end, and I realized that the church is not in any way equipped to handle such a thing. Most of those people live in third world countries, and are starving to death, while the church makes precious little effort to help them. 30,000 children die of starvation every day. I learned last night that of the money that goes to humanitarian causes from the united states, three quarters comes from secular sources.

And yet, Jesus said that true religion is taking care of widows and orphans. Does the church think that the world will be attracted to their self involvement?

I welcome an emerging movement. I will wait to see the fruit of this thing before I attempt to chop it down, because I don't see the current movement bearing much fruit at all, good or bad. In the meantime, I won't sweat the details. I want to pursue true religion, and I want to seek the kingdom of God in simplicity and sincerity. I believe that if everyone did this, if everyone loved God with all their heart and took care of their neighbor, a good portion of the world's problems would dissolve.

I don't know. Everyone's got a piece I guess. Nobody wants to share.

2005-04-02T09:40:00.000-06:00

I made a brief comment about terri schiavo a little while ago, and I have to recant it. It was made in ignorance of the issues and facts involved. It's true that I'm sick of hearing about it, but I've learned things since that have changed my perspective considerably.

Please feel free to challenge my ignorant or calloused statements, but be aware, if you're wrong, I will rip you to shreds.

I'm kidding. geez. Just be nice.

In thinking about writing and what it will take to inspire me, I'm wondering if what I need is a good dose of anonymity, and so I'm considering starting a second blog, a fresh project. This blog, of course, will continue. I'm going on 3 years, after all, I can't stop now. I think at times I'm brought up short by the knowledge that certain people are reading, there are things I can't say, heresies I can't utter. When this started, it was a barf bag for all the difficult emotional things I was dealing with, and I had no readers, so I had no fear of having to deal with things I wrote when I was talking with the people in my life.

The things I write now are relatively shallow and inconsequential. Is that because those are the only things I have to write, or is it because those are the only safe things to write? I don't know, but I'm willing to find out.

What do you think? Does anyone have any similar experience? Has anyone tried such a thing, and found success or failure?

2005-03-30T20:08:00.000-06:00

The girl at A&B Sound calls me "honey" and "sweetheart." I'm probably older than her, but she's pregnant, so I guess she can call me whatever she wants. I tried to buy "The United States of Leland" but it's $34 and you have to special order it, so I settled for "Cheaters" at a comparatively meager $10, possibly the only movie with jena malone that can be found for a reasonable price. It's great that they've lowered the prices on cd's but the cost of a good movie is outrageous. Do they wonder why media piracy abounds? Anyone who wonders why needs a good kick in the head.

I bought some tweezers and they don't tweeze. Tweezers, given their simple design and diminutive size, and grossly overpriced. The profit margin on tweezers probably leaves DVD's in the dust. The cheapest I could find were $4. The most expensive were pushing $30, and for all intents and purposes looked much the same. I just want to pluck my eyebrows without emptying my wallet. Instead, I count myself fortunate to have a metal file in my toolbox. A little filing and sanding got the tweezers working at a slightly better efficiency, but still nowhere near my money's worth.

I think it's terribly sad, don't you? Living in a consumer society, where most people don't think twice about being ripped off for a pair of tweezers, paying $30 for a DVD that cost ten cents to produce. The people ripping me off don't care that they're ripping me off, and lets face it, I demand entertainment and two eyebrows, as opposed to just one. Who's to blame? The criminals peddling the overpriced fodder or my own greed?

Don't get me wrong. "The United States of Leland" is worth every penny of $34 and I will probably wind up paying it due to the fact that the movie completely and utterly blew me away. But let's not forget that not long ago they were trying to charge 27.99 for Catwoman, and we all know how well that one measured up.

Recently an article appeared in the New York Post calling Canada a "great white waste of time" full of "zamboni driving molson sucking hockey goons." I read the article, and was incensed. Not because another american has made fun of canada. We all are very used to the general disrespect felt from our neighbors to the south, and quite frankly, Canadians are quite skilled at making a mockery of very nearly everything, including themselves (I just know that when Ani Difranco read that article, she stood up for us. Ani likes us).

What upset me was that Canada will never stand up for herself. Why can't we be independent of the States? Like the kid who walks away from a bully, saying "if that's how you'll be, then I just won't play with you." You've closed the border to beef? Fine, we're closing the border to hydro. See how your eastern seaboard does without our great canadian waste of electricity.

This is not to convey hostility, though it may sound like it. It's only to ask, why would you allow someone to take advantage of you, push you around, make fun of you, and then continue doing their homework for them? Why can't we just walk away from disrespect, put codependence aside and be our own country. Why does our prime minister keep pandering to George Bush, though we're getting ripped off on NAFTA, pressured into a missile program, and pushed around in the export market?

If you don't want to do business, then I don't want to business. Canada depends on America the way I depend on the corner drugstore and it's irritating.

That's all. I'm just irritated. Not by americans, not even by bush..... today. Today I'm irritated by the relationship my country has found itself in, and I have a feeling that Canada will never stand independent, will never demand equal treatment, and will always take blistering insults from the the New York Post, yet continue selling the U.S. everything it wants at a reasonable price.

It's like a shoppers optimum card. I get a point every time I buy $4 tweezers that don't tweeze, and 3 points on $30 face wash, but when I've accumulated 3 trillion points, I'll get $5 off my next purchase.

Gee, thanx.

I think I've come to the place where Canada is suiting my personality less, and I'm wondering who's changed. I love my country, I'm proud of what Canada is, but I would like to see her respect herself.

She could probably make her own tweezers, and tell shoppers optimum to piss off.

2005-03-29T18:43:00.000-06:00

Listen, Blogger.

I am a busy woman. I do not have time for these shenanigans. When I click on "sign in" I expect you to sign me in. When I click on "create post" I expect you to open the fricking create post page. I cannot click back, and refresh, and back, and refresh, and close the program, and start it up again, and click back, and refresh, and back again..... a hundred times over just so I can update my weblog with the meaningless drivel that my 3 readers have come to expect from me. What do you think? That I have all day to fight with you? Do you think that I like sitting on this posture compromising chair waiting for you to capitulate?? Are you under the impression that I have nothing to do but contract eye cancer staring at a radioactive monitor for days on end, drinking pepsi and eating noodles?

I WISH that were the case. But it's not. I work 10 hours a day, and when I get home my back hurts and my head is itchy and I'm covered with grime and sawdust and I'm tired and crabby and I don't appreciate this shabby treatment. If you're not careful, I'll take my business to live journal or some other equally useless service with a not-nearly-as-cool name.

So stick that in your pipe and puff it.

As for the rest of you, I got nuthin'. I'm a little disturbed about this whole seal hunt thing, wondering when terri schiavo's parents are gonna respect her wishes and let her die in machine-free peace, and trying to figure out how it's possible that at the time when I most want to write, I can't come up with anything.

My parents and Chifunda will arrive on saturday afternoon to check out my pad and visit my church, so no, I don't have time to write much of anything, I don't even have time to write this post (but I did anyways, because I'm a pathetic blog junkie) because I need to clean the floor and do the laundry and straighten out the desk and table and other desk and coffee table and move my wardrobe from the floor into some sort of storage apparatus...... a project for which I have yet to develop a game plan.

So I guess this is goodbye. Until the next time Blogger lets me in, that is.

2005-03-25T22:30:00.000-06:00

"The United States of Leland" is a movie that you must watch. It's an incredible, thought provoking look at making mistakes, being sorry, and feeling sadness. Not your typical blockbusting lemming fare, but rather an intuitive and moving story of a guy whose heart is breaking. Ryan Gosling, Kevin Spacey, and of course, Jena Malone round out an excellent cast.

2005-03-19T15:43:00.000-06:00

I've been learning what it means to make God the Lord of my life. This is not just because that's the subject of the devotional my roomie and I have started. This is a topic that God has been bringing into my awareness in exponential degrees. How else, after all, could I find myself living in Regina?

At some point, each one of us has to come to the understanding that the world does not revolve around us. At some point, I have to stop complaining that things aren't going my way and start questioning my belief that God has some sort of obligation to make my life a resounding success. Somewhere along the line, God's deeply personal interest in my life has to become less about me getting my own way, and more about God getting His own way.

This needs to start with the assurance that God is completely good. If God is completely good, then I can be sure that Him getting His own way will directly benefit me, even if I don't get everything I want. I have to consider the possibility that I will find the things I thought I wanted to be dry, bitter, or cumbersome, and the things God wanted to be refreshing, exciting, and liberating. I have to come to the heartbreaking conclusion that all the things I wanted can burn, and the things God wants can prevail.

So. It all boils down to trust, doesn't it? How much do you trust your God? How well do you know Him? I think that the answers to these questions reveal themselves in the way we live our lives.

I say that I'm at a crossroads in my life because I'm facing the moment I give up on my dreams in favor of something I can't see, but trust that it's better. I've always known what God made me for, but I thought maybe there was something different. Maybe something that required less discipline, less solitude, less responsibility. Maybe I could choose what I wanted, and succeed at that, and be happy doing that thing that I chose for my life.

Or maybe I'll be happiest doing the thing that I was made to do.

Easier said than done. My future is as unclear as ever, but I'm learning that small things are the key. To excel in the small things is to build a bridge to the big things. I have less direction than ever, but somehow I feel far less lost.

And my family's coming to visit, and the X-Men are cool.

So now you're all happy. Thanx for the votes.

2005-03-17T18:59:00.000-06:00

Well, it's St. Patrick's day but it looks like Chistmas, and I refuse to wear anything red or green. Outside it's blizzarding, or at least snowing and blowing at the same time, which in the middle of March counts as a blizzard just because it's so damn infuriating.

I have finally wrapped up a month's worth of very expensive complications regarding the safety certification for my car, and as a result I am overdrawn on my account for the first time since moving here. There's more good news in that sentence than bad, but I'm still kinda disgruntled due to the aforementioned complications, so I won't celebrate until I am safely insured, my manitoba insurance cancelled, and all caught up on payments that had to play second fiddle to the tyranny of bureaucracy. That's not really a paradox, by the way, it makes perfect sense.

In the meantime, I am at something of a crossroads in my life, thus, my silence over the last week. I believe the term I'm looking for is verbal constipation, and I'm not sure I'm over it quite yet.

So..... here's a list of things that I wanted to cover and may or may not cover in the near future.

Fight Club..... good movie
family coming to visit
why my pastor ROCKS
doing devotions with roommate
God says what He always said and I finally pay attention
Giving up
X-Men

If any one of these topics interests you, feel free to let me know and I may make a post just for you. In the meantime, this is gonna be the first time all week that I get to bed before 11, rendering me a conscious and capable functional living human being, as opposed to the undead zombie that's been lurching to work the past week.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I plan to wrestle myself back into a writing state of mind. Hopefully, this will not be disastrous.

2005-03-10T22:31:00.000-06:00

"Chasing Liberty" is also a cute movie, and it begs the question, are girls with overprotective fathers prone to spontaneous nudity?? I know I am.

2005-03-08T21:40:00.000-06:00

"Like Mike" is a cute movie.

2005-03-06T17:00:00.000-06:00

I have been brushing Abu all day. As it turns out, I really let the ball drop on grooming, on account of how I'm not used to having a dog with such long lustrous locks. Well, she's looking good today. Sleek and black and beautiful. I just need to deal with a few mats, bring her out to get a shampoo, and then stay on top of things. This will result in less hair on the couch, which will compensate for the general incompetence of the brush/vaccuum extension.

After a weekend of sluggish gluttony and liberating vietnam with the help of my trusty ps2, I would have to say that my birthday was a rousing success. Not only that, but I managed to get two rooms looking good, my dog shiny, two loads of laundry done, gave the coffee table a makeover, and went on some pretty long jaunts with my trusty companion.

Now that Abu's sacked out, and my roomie's home from her weekend in Prince Albert, I'm gonna have some cake, and some pepsi, and buckle down for another week of work. I have nothing exceptional to say, aside from this. I love squad based war games, even though I'm a pacifist. It's okay to kill pixels. There's no law against that.

2005-03-04T18:22:00.000-06:00

If at 24 you're still single, lower your standards. And drink more beer.

Happy Birthday to me.

2005-03-02T22:05:00.000-06:00

A post from Coqui not only speaks to me and the place I'm in, but also gets me thinking about things like Grace, Predestination, and Relationship. (permalink)

After that last site, that is, the fascist pharisee site, Coqui is a breath of fresh air.